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Lost spouse 2 suddenly


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I am so lost right now like irs a bad dream. I kost my first husband 11 years ago met a new guy refused to marry again a year after 2 weeks ago he died from what they say was cardiac arrest..mu poor 17 year old was home called me at store said mom bestie does not feel goid will not let me call 912 I do I ke to hom the 3 minute drive home he promised he would go to drs .all the sudden he say oh f I am having a heart attack feel over shouting my name. 

I cant grasp why this could happen to me twice. I sm taking on work to stop feeling sick . His kids are trying to rip me off this os all so hard I just can't do this again. O pray I ask God why? I just muddle. I need to get better fast I left my good job to help care for this housd and well no will means I have to pay for it all just how cN I do it? 

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I am so sorry, but I am glad you found this place.  I hope you will look around in this section and read some of the current posts, post when you want to.  We will be here to go through this with you if you want.

I'm sorry your son witnessed all that too.  I hope you are both a comfort to each other.  My husband also died a sudden unexpected death, heart attack.  

Try not to stress too bad about all of the finances, etc...I know, easier said than done.  Get your resume out there even for temporary jobs.  When my husband died, I lost my job, it was the beginning of the recession.  I lost it again and applied to 350 places over the year and no one would hire me, the first time I'd faced age discrimination.  This after a whole career in Office Management and Bookkeeping with never calling in sick!  I got called back to work part time, after a year I lost my job completely.  I retired early.  The first week I retired I discovered I needed a new roof.  It took all of George's IRA which had already taken a nosedive in the recession.  You know what?  I didn't know how I was going to make it, but I did.  One day at a time.  

I wrote this article at about ten years out, of the things that I'd found helpful, I'm hoping you'll find something helpful to you now and something else on down the road.  I'm sorry you went through this before and now find yourself going through it again.


There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.


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