Missing my husband so-o-o-o-o much.

[Half There]

My husband of 56 years died March 24, 2020.  He was 77 years old and his health had been failing for the last 2-3 years.  He fell and broke his hip, went in for surgery, came through surgery just fine, talked, ate, and visited the day after hip replacement surgery.  The next day he was non-responsive from morning until 3:00 p.m.  When I went to see him at the hospital, they had hospice there to talk with me.  It seems he was a strong candidate for their care.  I had promised him that he would not go to a nursing home or rehab care, so the ambulance brought his back home.  While I was at the hospital for the last two hours when he was non-responsive, I got a swab, put it in ice water, and swabbed his dry mouth.  Suddenly he began to suck on the swab, opened his eyes, sat up, and began talking.  We had a lovely conversation for almost two hours.  In the last few minutes he said he loved me and seemed to be saying goodbye.  The nurse brought him a pill, told me that the ambulance was on the way to take him home, and that I needed to leave.  I talked with Bob about 10 minutes more.  We were very close.  Then his eyes slowly closed and he appeared to doze off.  He never opened his eyes again.  The ambulance brought him home, the hospice nurses came 24 hours per day to sit with him, and he got to be in his own bed with people he loved sitting with him.  The hospice nurses would take over when no one else was sitting with him.  The kept him comfortable with two kinds of pain medicine (morphine and methadone).  In addition, they gave him a mild tranquilizer for anxiety.  He never seemed to suffer.  They kept him on his side so any mucus would drain out and they had a special medication to keep his throat moist, but keep the mucus flowing out instead of building up.  I was with him when he took his last breaths.  There was no dramatic ending to his life.  He just went to sleep in Jesus.  I wish I could have gone at the same time.  I feel like half of me is missing.  I try to wake up each morning and engage in some activities - cleaning, sorting, getting all the paper work done.  That helps some, but from 6-8 pm, I'm tired and sad.  I've always been a bit of a loner, because Bob and I were a team and we, along with our two sons when we were younger, felt complete.  We fished, traveled, gardened, went to church and the activities it provided plus involved ourselves with our family at large.  The problem is, we never developed our own separate independent friends and activities.  This Corona virus keeps me from going to church, or doing any visiting.  Bad timing.  Would appreciate ideas for integrating into society other than family.  I love my family, but I need a different type of conversation right now, something I can focus on that isn't related to Bob as the family does with every other breath.

[Missy1]

I am sorry for your loss, I don’t know the words to express this kind of pain. It’s like the world closed down that day. We survive each day but life will never hold the same joy it’s once did. I know there are never enough years in our short lives together, 56 yrs is beautiful!  

[Half There]

Hi Missy1,

Thank you for your post.  It's good to hear from someone so soon.

[Missy1]

You have found a good place, there are so many kind, genuine people here. You will soon have many sincere replies. I lost my husband we have been married 26 years together for 30 years very suddenly. Sadly there are people here, all have a different story the one common thread is that we lost the love of our lives and we’re all struggling to try to understand. We try to just get through each day so welcome but I’m sorry that you’re here. I hope you stay, read some threads, post as you feel. We understand, no one judges here, we just share and walk together.

[KayC]

@Half There  I am so sorry for your loss...I know that sounds trite, it's very inadequate for conveying what is felt.  Missy described it well.  My George's death was sudden/unexpected.  He'd just turned 51 and thought we had years left together!  We didn't meet until our mid-40s so I feel ripped.  He was my soulmate and best friend and I love him more than life!  That was 15 years ago Father's Day.  

I am glad your husband got to be at home, mine was in the hospital and they threw me out when they were working on him.  I never saw him again except to view his dead body.  He wasn't there.  

I am glad I have hope for the future as I know where he is and I will be with him again.  That keeps me going.  It's hard doing all this time without him though.  Life is not like it was.

You have lost your husband in the hardest of times, that of social distancing.  I miss church tremendously, they are my extended family and right now I can't even see my kids and grandkids!  It's got to be incredibly hard right now, my hope is this country will begin opening up soon, they haven't started here yet and I'm not sure it will be safe to, I just know this isn't a life of worth right now...hoping they develop a vaccine soon.

I wrote this article of the things that I've found helpful over the years, hoping something in it helps you today and something else perhaps on down the road, our journey is ever evolving.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, Half There said:

Hi Missy1,

Thank you for your post.  It's good to hear from someone so soon.

We are here for you.  You can talk about your beloved Bob or not, it's entirely what you need and want to say.  You can rant, question, ask for help, or just talk (well...write).

The members here almost literally saved my life 15 months ago when I had been floundering around feeling helpless and hopeless.  We are all on unique grief journeys; we are of all ages and in different times of life.  But we are all walking the same painful road, together.

I was with my husband when he took his last breaths as well.  He was on comfort care and had been scheduled to come home on hospice earlier that day, but his body started shutting down overnight.  To me he was so young, only 71 and I was only 60.  We met when I was 23, married when I was 25, and he was essentially my entire adult life.  He was an imperfect, wonderful man who was perfect for me.  It is so unfair when good people suffer.  We also were closer to each other than anyone in the world, even our wonderful daughter and granddaughter.  It was "you and me against the world" for 35 years, through good times, great times, hard times, and the impossibly painful last 15 months as he fought his bladder cancer.  We have a small, extremely loyal and loving circle of family and friends, but we ever only needed each other.  In this, I understand how it feels as if your life has been ripped away, because it has.

It's normal to want some relief from the constant reminders.  Do you have interests that you might want to pursue?  Anything from singing in a choir to knitting to bicycling to cooking to, well, you get the idea.  If so, you might want to see if there are any groups locally that you can check out to see if you feel welcomed and comfortable.  You would automatically have an interest in common with everyone in the group.  And you can tell them as much or as little as you want about your life.  Obviously, COVID-19 is preventing groups from meeting in person, but I have a couple of friends who are in groups that now meet on Zoom.  In fact, my yoga teacher started doing some of our classes by Zoom about a month ago.  It felt really good to be back to learning (I'm a novice, dragged there by friends and happy they did) and to be able to see everyone, talk a little before class, and just know that while we're separated, we're still a group.  So even if you couldn't join an in-person activity, you would at least have a distraction and have an idea if you want to continue once we are able to be together in person again.

I am so sorry you find yourself here with us.  You have found a good place to be to start your own journey.

[jwahlquist]

@Half There

I am truly sorry for your loss.  Life is hard and complicated when you lose your spouse but add in the quarantine and life altering isolation and it feels even worse.  I know that for me it has magnifies all of the loneliness and pain.  
 

I have tried connecting with other through Facebook Messenger and Zoom.  I have also returned to work.  I have been keeping busy with work meetings and delivering learning packets to my students.  Getting to see my students even from a distance helps a little. 

I lost my husband of 22 years, this year would have been 23, in February.  He was only 48.  He got sick with what they said was influenza and strep and ended up dying from complications.  I have had such a hard time.  I struggled with thoughts of suicide along with extreme depression.  My doctors prescribed antidepressant and anti anxiety medications.  The medication has helped some but it never gets rid of the feeling that I can’t breathe nor the ache in my chest.  I doubt anything but many years will make that better.

Sending you some virtual hugs.  

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

 I struggled with thoughts of suicide along with extreme depression.  My doctors prescribed antidepressant and anti anxiety medications.  The medication has helped some but it never gets rid of the feeling that I can’t breathe nor the ache in my chest.  I doubt anything but many years will make that better.

Those first impossible months, I had many thoughts of dying so I could be with my husband.  I never actively planned anything; it was just this vague, "I don't want to be here now."  I'd even say to him, "I can make it until all the legal stuff and home projects are handled, but then you need to come get me." or "I will stay to make sure the girls are okay, but then I want to be with you again."  At going on 2 years now, I still often think or say to him, "I can live long enough to see our beautiful granddaughter start college (7 years from now).  I will keep telling her your stories and keep you alive for her."  Some days, like yesterday when I was driving home from one of my now-rare forays into town, I still tell him "You need to come home now.  Why can't you come home?  I don't think I can make it alone."  I realize that when I'm telling him how long I think I can survive, what I'm really doing is telling myself so that the truly dark thoughts are kept at bay.  It's just the way it is, I think, when you've lost your soulmate.  I feel as if I am less than half of what I was when my love was with me.  He was the one person who loved me completely, imperfections and flaws and mistakes and all. 

My doctor, who is not a pill pusher, also put me on a low dose of anti-depressants (basically just doubling one of my auto-immune meds to clinical dosing for depression) and anti-anxiety meds.  The anti-anxiety med is also my sleep aid.  I had been trying sleeping pills, but I always woke up even more disoriented and with what felt like the few hangovers I had in my 20s.  I didn't like how drinking too much made me feel, so waking up feeling that way made my day even worse.  With the other med, I can sleep 6 or 7 hours, rather than the 3 or 4 restless hours I had been getting.  It's still nowhere near as much as I need because of my medical conditions, but it's better.

The medications definitely help, but no, they don't take away the ache in my heart and the feeling as if my life has been shattered.  Time is starting to help me learn to cope better.  I don't cry as much; I am not in the dark pit as often.  I am slowly figuring out how to make my grief part of my life, rather than all of it.  The thing that almost no one realizes until it happens to them is that there is no such thing as "moving on" or "getting over it" when you've lost the true love of your life.  Years will not fill the hole in my heart or life.  I accept that I will never be happy in the way I was before, but I hope someday, no doubt years from now, to be able to say I am happier than I am now.  The first year, I would not have thought so, not even for a moment.  Time helps, but it's a slow, painful process.  I will bear the pain because it's a reminder of the love we share.

[KayC]

Today I learned of my long time friend (43 years) and boss of 9 years, passed away.  I am heartbroken, so many memories with him and his family.  He's just a couple years older than me.  It's so hard that they can't have a funeral or friends surrounding them. 

 

[jwahlquist]

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I never actively planned anything; it was just this vague, "I don't want to be here now." 

I did both at different times.  That was one of the reasons that my doctor prescribed medication and had the social worker checking on me along with telling me to see a therapist.  This has messed up my head and life.  The medication and some sleep are helping.  I had to stop taking regular sleeping pill though as the pills gave me the worst night sweats.  My doctor put me on Trazadone.   It works ok once I finally get to sleep but sometimes it takes me a while to get there.  

[KayC]

I'm on 50 mg Trazodone too and take it about 1/2 hour before going to bed, usually sleep about four hours, wake to use the bathroom, sometimes drop off to sleep, sometimes not.  When I'm going through those periods where I can't get back to sleep, I take a Benedryl and that usually does it for me.  I try to sleep 8 hours/night for my health and immunity but it doesn't always work.  I was having a terrible time of it before getting help.

[Missy1]

On 5/14/2020 at 2:25 PM, KayC said:

Today I learned of my long time friend (43 years) and boss of 9 years, passed away. 

I am sooo sorry, yet more grief. Especially now, how does one say goodbye without that closure of honor and ceremonies with those who loved him as well. I hope your okay, sending hugs and prayers.

[KayC]

t's hard knowing we can't see them anymore in this life.  It's been 18 years since I worked for Bob, hard to believe, but we still saw each other sometimes, he will be missed by so many.

And I lost another friend, same day, she died on her husband's birthday, she'd fought Leukemia for years. 

[Dey]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

t's hard knowing we can't see them anymore in this life.  It's been 18 years since I worked for Bob, hard to believe, but we still saw each other sometimes, he will be missed by so many.

And I lost another friend, same day, she died on her husband's birthday, she'd fought Leukemia for years. 

Oh KayC.. another loss. I hope you're okay, sending you virtual hugs and prayers from far away...

[KayC]

I've been messaging Bob's wife, we worked together for nine years, even though it was long ago, we were like family.  My heart goes out to her.

[Missy1]

Being there for others is seems to be a big part of this journey. I can certainly understand people’s pain from life events. 
I am grateful for everyone here, is my refuge. No one understands or wants to hear that you are falling apart. 
Everything I do I think of him, we were so connected. It not be possible to go forward without him being by my side. I will always include him in my life, if people don’t like it or think it’s weird they can pound sand. This is who I am, he is part of me forever.