Life stopped 3 weeks ago

[Bonnie88]

I’m sitting here still trying to accept it’s actually me this has happened to, that it’s not some dream or another persons reality.

Three weeks ago I went round to my partners house, it was about lunch time and he’d spent the last few weeks building this amazing fence around his property so I was going to see if he wanted any lunch. He wasn’t outside as normal so I went in the house and found him lying on his bed on his front in his sleeping position. Then I realised he wasn’t breathing, panicking I rolled him over and it was just so terrible, he was cold, rigid, black and blue with such a distorted face. I’m a nurse so it should have been clear he had passed a long time ago but my shocked brain couldn’t accept it, I rang the paramedics and began cpr, even dragging him onto the floor to do it better, 10 horrible minutes later the paramedics arrived and told me there was no sign of life.... oh I just howled, it really was a nightmare I so desperately wanted to wake up from. I then had to tell his parents, friends.

I spent the next 2 weeks in shock, even as he was buried I didn’t fully believe he was gone, the only good time was spending time with him before the funeral when he was in his coffin, looking so smart and beautiful, especially compared to the last time I’d see him, it ripped my heart apart to leave him.

We had been together 3 years, he was doing up his house so I could move in, we were going to start trying for a family. He was literally the most capable, hardworking, genuine guy I have ever met, I know everyone says it but he was so special. He’d worked so hard since he was 16 paying off his house so he could enjoy his later life in comfort. He was 29 and I am 31, and I just feel so devastated for him, for me and for us.

 I’ve never been effected by death, not really, not until now, and I just can’t seem to believe he’s really gone, that for the rest of my life I’ll never seem him again, it literally destroys me.

Also the trauma of the CPR is going to make it hard to go back to work, my work is  very fast paced and busy and I seem to have lost my memory and my ability to think. I am seeing a councillor who is helping in certain ways but it’s the days and days of heartache and despair that are in front that I’m struggling with.

Thank you for reading my story, honestly I am open to any advice, kind words or stories of a similar kind. I actually search out stories as I am desperate for someone or something to relate to.

Also I should add his cause of death is still inconclusive but he did have epilepsy so I believe he had a seizure and suffocated on his pillow. The guilt kills everyday that I wasn’t there, it was our first night apart in about a month... 

[Missy1]

So sorry for your loss, we have all lost the love of our lives here. Each experience is unique and very personal. No one understands why it happened to us, this is not something anyone was prepared to deal with.
Your story made me cry, I feel your pain. There are so many of here, very kind and always sharing and trying to comfort those on this journey. Words cannot express the pain and sadness that we feel when they are pulled away from our lives.  Please stay and read some threads, there is lots of wisdom and strength by so many members. 

[Dey]

@Bonnie88 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story is so heartbreaking.

It's the worst nightmare finding your love one's gone. I lost my husband too a month ago, so suddenly. I gave him CPR too while my son called the hospital. I did anything I could think of to make him comeback to me, but it was useless. I was so shocked and could only cry while hugging his body. Losing your love one is truly painful and devastating. 

Write, vent, complain or express your feeling and yourself here, I might not help much, but I will read yours, listen to your story. Though your grieving is yours alone, but we're in this path together. God bless you..

 

[Michelene]

Bonnie88, I am so sorry for your loss. this is a place of comfort, i hope you can find some here. 

 

[jwahlquist]

I am sorry for your loss.  I spent weeks just surviving by believing that my husband would walk in the door like it had all been some kind of awful joke.    I think sometimes it is just too much for our minds and hearts to take.  My doctor said that it is all normal when I asked her if I was going crazy.  I have honestly felt crazy sometimes.   My husband passed away February 3rd and it still doesn’t feel real at times.  Just know you are not alone and we all understand in ways that people who haven’t lost their spouse can’t.  

[KayC]

@Bonnie88  I am so sorry!  To lose your partner just as you're starting out your life together, so young, someone so hard working and had done everything right, it's just not fair!  None of death/loss is fair!  Try not to look at the rest of your life right now, it's too overwhelming!  Right now pat yourself on the back for getting out of bed, getting dressed, that's a lot.  This is a trauma much like brain injury, it shakes us to the core.  You're going through brain fog, widow's brain, whatever you want to call it.  
http://mikeunkelhaeuser.weebly.com/blog/widows-brain
http://www.refugeingrief.com/grief-crazy/

I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful over the years and I hope you find something helpful that speaks to you now, something else perhaps later on.

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

 

[Bonnie88]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

@Bonnie88  I am so sorry!  To lose your partner just as you're starting out your life together, so young, someone so hard working and had done everything right, it's just not fair!  None of death/loss is fair!  Try not to look at the rest of your life right now, it's too overwhelming!  Right now pat yourself on the back for getting out of bed, getting dressed, that's a lot.  This is a trauma much like brain injury, it shakes us to the core.  You're going through brain fog, widow's brain, whatever you want to call it.  
http://mikeunkelhaeuser.weebly.com/blog/widows-brain
http://www.refugeingrief.com/grief-crazy/

I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful over the years and I hope you find something helpful that speaks to you now, something else perhaps later on.

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

 

Thank you for your article, lots of good advice and I have no idea where I’d be without my dog. I think one day at a time is really hit home too as I get so anxious when I start thinking of what Christmas is going to be like when that’s not something I need to worry about today. And certainly the unfairness of it all hits so hard, which I imagine everyone here feels. Why us, why them.... 

[Bonnie88]

18 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I am sorry for your loss.  I spent weeks just surviving by believing that my husband would walk in the door like it had all been some kind of awful joke.    I think sometimes it is just too much for our minds and hearts to take.  My doctor said that it is all normal when I asked her if I was going crazy.  I have honestly felt crazy sometimes.   My husband passed away February 3rd and it still doesn’t feel real at times.  Just know you are not alone and we all understand in ways that people who haven’t lost their spouse can’t.  

I’m so relieved this is normal, I can sometimes sit in the evenings at home feeling okay but I know it’s because my minds pretending he’s just busy building his fence.... other times I just pretend/hope he’s going to jump out at me and it’ll all be a big joke... I am so sorry for your loss too,  and before I’d read these tragic stories and it would just be unimaginable to know how that person could feel... now we are those people.... hope this makes sense

[Bonnie88]

23 hours ago, Dey said:

@Bonnie88 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story is so heartbreaking.

It's the worst nightmare finding your love one's gone. I lost my husband too a month ago, so suddenly. I gave him CPR too while my son called the hospital. I did anything I could think of to make him comeback to me, but it was useless. I was so shocked and could only cry while hugging his body. Losing your love one is truly painful and devastating. 

Write, vent, complain or express your feeling and yourself here, I might not help much, but I will read yours, listen to your story. Though your grieving is yours alone, but we're in this path together. God bless you..

 

Oh I’m so sorry you and your son had to experience that, it’s beyond traumatic and I hope you’ve got support.

Thank you, I’ve found this site very relatable so far and I hope I can be of help to other people as we manage this horrible time

[Missy1]

It’s okay to not feel okay! Allow yourself the space to grieve, cry, scream...this is a life altering event. We need to let the pain out only then can we begin to realize what happened and try to live for what we have left. Our lives and love are forever broken.

[Bonnie88]

I just came back from a friends house, had a good enough time, spent 8 hours chatting sometimes crying, then I just left at 10pm got home and have been hysterical ever since, I just want to be with him so badly it makes me feel sick, how do we live knowing we’ll never feel their touch again? I don’t want to make others sad it’s just the state I’m in. I’ve had some Valium to help settle me but I feel I can’t bear this longing anymore

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Bonnie88 said:

I have no idea where I’d be without my dog.

When my George died I was so wrapped up in my grief it took my daughter to point out to me that Lucky, our dog, was grieving too.  I made an effort then to give her attention.  
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html

20 hours ago, Bonnie88 said:

I get so anxious when I start thinking of what Christmas is going to be like when that’s not something I need to worry about today

Yes, this is the single biggest helpful thing I was told, the second one for me was looking for joy in every day.  Some people say they can't, but I say they can, I started practicing this day eleven, if I can, anyone can, although our timetables will vary as to when.  I remember looking over the day and seeing what good there was in it.  I know, really stretching it to count someone letting me merge in traffic, but my rule was, nothing too small or insignificant to count.  I needed all the good I could find now that my big joy, George, was gone.

20 hours ago, Bonnie88 said:

Why us, why them....

I asked this for about a year and then realized there was no resounding answer.  I finally quit asking.  Not sure there are any answers anyway.

We will be here for you as these special days arise, we're all in this together.

[Dey]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

the second one for me was looking for joy in every day.

Good suggestion, maybe I could try this, looking and finding joy in everyday. Feel grateful for simple thing in life. Thank you KayC

[jwahlquist]

@Bonnie88

I am sorry you had a rough day.  Sometimes it is hard to be around others when you are grieving.  I know I still struggle especially when the people or friends that I talk to or visit have their happy little world intact.   It is hard to even watch rom com movies anymore and I used to love them.  Just know you aren’t alone.  We all have our better days and our worse days.  
 

Right now my daughter is having extreme emotional swings and is showing some obvious signs of depression.  I talked to her therapist today.   We talked about me talking to her doctor and seeing if there is a medication that might help my daughter.  Her therapist said that she can tell that my daughter has become increasingly distant and almost shows no emotion most of the time.   She said that her dad dying combined with no school and a stay home order has created a situation that is just too much for her to deal with.  So now I need to fill out paperwork that will allow her therapist to talk to her doctor.   
 

Sending you virtual hugs & wishing you a better day tomorrow. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

She said that her dad dying combined with no school and a stay home order has created a situation that is just too much for her to deal with.

I do hope she gets some much needed help.  Another casualty of death.  I'm so sorry, let us know how it goes.  (((hugs)))

[Bonnie88]

23 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

@Bonnie88

I am sorry you had a rough day.  Sometimes it is hard to be around others when you are grieving.  I know I still struggle especially when the people or friends that I talk to or visit have their happy little world intact.   It is hard to even watch rom com movies anymore and I used to love them.  Just know you aren’t alone.  We all have our better days and our worse days.  
 

Right now my daughter is having extreme emotional swings and is showing some obvious signs of depression.  I talked to her therapist today.   We talked about me talking to her doctor and seeing if there is a medication that might help my daughter.  Her therapist said that she can tell that my daughter has become increasingly distant and almost shows no emotion most of the time.   She said that her dad dying combined with no school and a stay home order has created a situation that is just too much for her to deal with.  So now I need to fill out paperwork that will allow her therapist to talk to her doctor.   
 

Sending you virtual hugs & wishing you a better day tomorrow. 

Thank you, I’m definitely learning through trial and error who is good to talk to and what times it hits me the most. And your completely right about people’s own happy world or bubble, most of my friends are couples who are starting the major events like buying a house, a dog, having kids and it hurts so much that I just lost all that. Even the best meaning friends who are very sensitive can hurt me with their talk of future plans or just watching them have a nice moment with their partners. I hate this miserable jealous feeling and I do hope I can get past it.

i can’t imagine having to cope with another persons grief on top of my own so you are doing an amazing job! Communication between your daughters medical people is so important and I’m sure they’ll put together the best plan for her. 

[KayC]

It was that way in the early times with me too, for the most part I've moved past it but not entirely.  I still resent that I lost my husband through no fault of my own while they still have theirs all these years later.  And I resent that some people include other couples but not widows, like we're lesser than.  It aggravates me that people never stop to consider how it is for us, always alone.  When it snows and I can't travel on Christmas, I spend it alone.  If I have surgery I have to get a ride home and no one here to take care of me, to built a fire, to bring me some food and water, to help me up.  No one to run to the pharmacy.  People take those things for granted, not us.  We have to worry about things like who will take care of my dog if I go to the hospital?  Others don't, they have a spouse.

[Bonnie88]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

It was that way in the early times with me too, for the most part I've moved past it but not entirely.  I still resent that I lost my husband through no fault of my own while they still have theirs all these years later.  And I resent that some people include other couples but not widows, like we're lesser than.  It aggravates me that people never stop to consider how it is for us, always alone.  When it snows and I can't travel on Christmas, I spend it alone.  If I have surgery I have to get a ride home and no one here to take care of me, to built a fire, to bring me some food and water, to help me up.  No one to run to the pharmacy.  People take those things for granted, not us.  We have to worry about things like who will take care of my dog if I go to the hospital?  Others don't, they have a spouse.

I think I have all these things you have experienced yet to come but I certainly understand where your coming from. My partner Wade was always the one to get the fire going and keep me warm and we’re just coming into winter and it all feels so hard. I know you’d like your friends to offer help but if you asked would they help?

 I’ve certainly felt the segregation of not being invited to certain things as it is all couples, whether it’s to make it easier on them or myself I’m not sure. However even when I do get invited I can’t handle the thought of watching all the couples together just doing the normal things couples do.

Sometimes I can see this grief experience as something that can be beautiful in a painful twisted way, but mostly I just fear that the bitterness and misery will just swallow me up and I won’t want to bother at all.

[KayC]

It's been 15 years for me, this is a long journey, one that doesn't end.  But the good news is it doesn't stay the same either, we couldn't take it if it did..  Always I will love and miss him but I've had to accept thee fact that I'm alone, on my own...trust me, I looked, no one is here.

15 hours ago, Bonnie88 said:

I know you’d like your friends to offer help but if you asked would they help?

In the beginning I got a lot of "If you ever want to talk..."  or "If you need anything..." but you'd call, they'd either make excuses, get gone, not call you back or not answer the phone.  I was amazed at how alone everyone left me.  I know much of it is not understanding what I'm going through or how to be here for me, or feeling like it's something contagious, not wanting to confront their and their partner's own mortality so avoiding me.  Somehow I managed but I remember how frantic I felt and how desperately I needed to talk to someone, needed someone to care!

[Missy1]

It’s difficult to be around couples, I feel that they look at me in a pathetic way. I am not single either so I definitely don’t fit in those folks either. Being married as long as we were, in this stage we were in the mode to seek retirement. No way I would even consider a new relationship., we were all in and down that road of life.
I feel like the odd person when in a group, awkwardly the one no longer fits anywhere socially. I am beginning to appreciate my solitude where I can process my thoughts alone and act or do whatever I want without judgement. 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, Missy1 said:

It’s difficult to be around couples, I feel that they look at me in a pathetic way. I am not single either so I definitely don’t fit in those folks either.

It is hard to be around happy couples.  It's painful to see couples, complete strangers to me, who are clearly older than my husband and I, who still have each other.  To see them helping each other, smiling at each other, sharing those small moments makes me want to scream sometimes.

But I suppose I am lucky that no one in my life, not that I have a huge circle anyway, ever looks at me at though I am pathetic.  Pity?  Well, yes, there's some of that in their eyes at times.  Nearly all of them knew my husband, some for decades, and are grieving his loss too.  A couple of new friends only knew him casually or not at all, but they are eager to hear his and our stories as I'm able to tell them.  One said to me that she realizes now that not reaching out sooner meant that she and her husband lost out on having a truly wonderful friend.  We knew them very casually and had just been getting to know them a tiny bit better when my love was diagnosed.  I pointed out that my husband and I could have reached out sooner too.

This friend and I often (well, used to until covid) have Sunday morning bagel and coffee with a bunch of other women from our yoga class.  I'm the only one who has lost her love.  A number of months ago, my friend privately broached the subject of being around couples or talking with friends and having them discuss plans with their spouses.  I asked her if she was worried about how much it would upset me and she said yes.  I thought about it and realized that I wouldn't have been able to do that the first year, which is likely part of why I was a virtual hermit for the first several months.  I couldn't stand being around most people, not even some friends.  I couldn't bear to see anything that reminded me of what I've lost.  It's still difficult, but when my friend expressed her concern, I realized that my mindset had shifted a bit.  It's still painful to see much older couples who are strangers, but less so when I am around couples who are close to us or me.  It was kind an "Ah ha" moment because being around couples I know and especially those who knew me and my love, watching them do and say all those little "couples" things that only two people share, reminds me that I was lucky in so many ways.  Yes, it hurts my heart, but it no longer rips me apart all the time.

And I spend absolutely no time with anyone who does not understand that while I may be forced to check the "Widowed" box on forms, I am still and will always be married to my soulmate.  I have no patience or energy for anyone who will not accept the choices I make in who I am and who I will be.  It's a slow process and certainly an imperfect one.  There are still days I cannot believe this is my life now and my heart and mind shout, "This is beyond unfair!  How could this happen to my sweetheart and to me?"