Stillbirth of my first daughter

[brebram]

On April 13, 2011 at 9:15pm I delivered my daughter Olivia stillborn by c-section. Her cord was in a knot around her ankle. I was 37 weeks pregnant. She is my first child.

I suppose I have been getting along fairly well under the circumstance. I'm back to work, I try to keep busy. I have bad days. And everything reminds me of her. Some days I feel like being torn inside out. And now I feel as though I was never pregnant at all. Like it was all just a bad dream. And that feeling scares me more than anything. I talk about her whenever I have the opportunity and/or feeling up to it. To me, it helps keep her alive. I wanted her so badly. And I'm so, so angry that she was taken. My fiance and I would have been wonderful parents. We were so excited for her, and all of a sudden the rug is out from under us.

I'm really good about putting on a strong front and many of my friends consistently tell me how strong I am and how I'm taking this with such grace. And I appreciate it, because the kind words do help. But another part of me wants to ask, are you kidding? I am not strong about this. I feel like my insides have been ripped out. And actually, they literally have. I fear this will not get better. And I fear that some day she will fade away in my thoughts and memories and I try so hard to keep her alive.

[westleysmom]

Briana-I'm so sorry for your loss. My son Westley died last year right before what would have been his 21st birthday. I have another daughter who has a 3 year old and is expecting another baby in August. People who haven't lost a child think that if it happened to them, they would go stark raving mad and that it would be obvious to anybody they met. What I've found out since last January 13, my least favorite day I've ever had, is that grief marks us all differently. Permanently and painfully, but differently from what it would do to someone else. It makes your friends feel better to think that you are strong, and no way will they ever (hopefully) understand the chaos and out of control feelings that you have inside your broken heart and soul. It does help to have someone to talk to about your child that is gone that doesn't try to change the subject. I post mostly on the Loss of Adult Child thread, and there are a few people on there who lost little babies and young children. If you want to post there, you would be welcome with open arms. Even those of us who didn't lose a little baby or small child had the blessing of being the mom or dad of one at one time and know the pain of losing a child. He was my baby, even though he was taller than me and didn't do anything I said anymore, he was my baby and I'll miss him forever, just like you'll miss your sweet Olivia. You won't forget her. Hugs to you and your fiance as you try to deal with this.

[brebram]

Thank you so much. I am very sorry for the loss of your son.

Briana-I'm so sorry for your loss. My son Westley died last year right before what would have been his 21st birthday. I have another daughter who has a 3 year old and is expecting another baby in August. People who haven't lost a child think that if it happened to them, they would go stark raving mad and that it would be obvious to anybody they met. What I've found out since last January 13, my least favorite day I've ever had, is that grief marks us all differently. Permanently and painfully, but differently from what it would do to someone else. It makes your friends feel better to think that you are strong, and no way will they ever (hopefully) understand the chaos and out of control feelings that you have inside your broken heart and soul. It does help to have someone to talk to about your child that is gone that doesn't try to change the subject. I post mostly on the Loss of Adult Child thread, and there are a few people on there who lost little babies and young children. If you want to post there, you would be welcome with open arms. Even those of us who didn't lose a little baby or small child had the blessing of being the mom or dad of one at one time and know the pain of losing a child. He was my baby, even though he was taller than me and didn't do anything I said anymore, he was my baby and I'll miss him forever, just like you'll miss your sweet Olivia. You won't forget her. Hugs to you and your fiance as you try to deal with this.

[tdm]

I am sorry for your loss and I can relate....... my fiance and I lost our first born baby boy, Ethan James, on April 22 of this year. It was due to a placenta abruption. I was 37 weeks along and had to have an emergency C-section and they couldn't save him. I know how you feel and my heart just aches for him!!! I just keep asking God why? why?....maybe one day I will get an answer. Again, I am sorry for your loss and know exactly how you feel!!

[brebram]

I am so sorry for your loss as well. It is a terrible thing to not get to experience the wonderfulness of our children. I think of her every single day. And wow, you and I were pretty much pregnant together almost to the day. The doctor said our daughter had passed nearly a day before we found out. Sometimes I find that throughout the day I just stop breathing. I am still very saddened. I try to stay optimistic... but its very hard.

[raren30]

Hi Olivias mom,

I just wanted to say I know what your going through and Im sorry for your loss. I gave birth July 12 2011 at 21 weeks to a beautiful little girl as well, she lived for half an hour after birth. Its been a hard road for me. This site is amazing I like that I can come here and talk anytime and not be judged.

Hugs to you

Emilias mom Carrie

[brebram]

Emilia's mom, I am incredibly heartbroken for you. I am so sorry for your loss. Today is even more difficult actually because today is my birthday. and all i feel is sadness. it is a very hard road. your loss is very fresh... but with time it gets a little easier to talk about it. for me, it definitely helps me to talk about my daughter. to me, its my way of keeping her alive. i love talking about what a beautiful little girl we created. please feel free to email me anytime if you need to vent or talk about anything. sometimes, you just need to vent (as in, not looking for a response or logical advice) to someone who understands what you're going thru.

Briana

[raren30]

Hi Briana Olivias mom,

Happy Birthday. I hope you had a great day.

I love talking about Emilia to. We had pictures done from a profesional photographer after she passed. I look at her pictures often. The hospital gave us a memory box and put little treasures in it for us. They put pictures of what they took of Emilia in it as well as two little knitted dolls one is a sleeping angel (Emilia) and the other is a pink doll (my daughter Abigail) with her eyes open. They also put in the measuring tape they measured her with and a birthstone angel.

I would love to email you, and if you'd like you could email me as well.

My birthday is coming up as well. I'm hoping it will be a great day. I'm going to Vancouver Island this Thursday till Sunday and my birthday is on Friday. I'll be surrounded by my family there so I shouldn't get to sad (hoping). And I won't be able to write to any of the Indigos since I will be tenting it. But I will post as soon as I get home.

I still find myself crying at weird times, I'll be driving and all of a sudden I start to cry, does this stop? I am going back to work on august 9th. I'm hoping it's not to early but need the money, I've been off work since June 15 and my EI hasn't kicked in yet.

I hate that we have to have this in common. But I'm very glad that I have people here who have gone through it and can relate. Since joining I don't feel so alone.

But I should get going I have to help my brother and his gf move. So you take care of yourself and hope to hear from you soon.

Hugs to you!! <3

Carrie Emilias Mom