Devastated...but stopped crying?

[Maggie73]

I need help.

I lost my beautiful 28 year old daughter in a very violent single-car accident on April 24th. I didn’t find out until the morning of April 25th. Every day from when I found out, up to the funeral, I was inconsolable. I had to know everything. I went and saw the horrific car at the tow yard. She didn’t go to a hospital and the medical examiner wouldn’t let me see her, so I forced the funeral home to let me see her before they touched her (even though they warned me that it was bad and made me sign a waiver). I’ve been to the scene multiple times, spending hours out there on the ground in the spot where she passed. I’ve imagined the accident in my mind 100 times. I have pics of the car (both in the tow yard and at the scene) that I look at everyday.

We had the funeral on May 2nd.

Since the day after the funeral, I have cried very little and it’s almost feels like she’s just away on a trip, even though I know she’s gone. I cry a little if I listen to a song that was played at the service or if I talk about the accident, but it doesn’t last long. If I turn on the TV, I get immersed in the show and don’t feel upset at all. I can have a regular conversation and even talk about her in the past and be fine.

I’m confused.

I loved my babygirl more than life itself and I’m borderline suicidal because I want to be with her.

 What is going on with me? Has some broken in my mind? Did I just get thru my grief super fast or what? I’m I going to lose it again in a day or two? I know it can’t be that I don’t care, because I’m shattered. Did I just subject myself to to much trauma immediately after the accident that I’m now numb?

The guilt over the way I’m feeling now Is consuming me.

Any advice?

Thanks, 

Maggie

 

[ldressle]

Hi Maggie,

First of all, let me just say how sorry I am that you lost your best friend and beautiful daughter in such a tragic way.  It is the most shocking thing, losing someone suddenly with no warning or time to say goodbye. 

My son and father died in a tragic small plane accident off the Oregon coast six years ago.  Benjamin was 15 and we were visiting my father for a birthday party. I remember feeling like I shouldn't leave when I was packing the car - something was nagging at me - stay home.  But of course, I didn't pay it any mind.  Now, I believe it was a sign from the angels trying to push me back to stay home.  I was so tired from cooking and preparing food for the party.  A long six hour drive from Washington where we lived. 

I was in complete shock for the first year after they passed.  I remember feeling like I was completely detached from my body.  I couldn't comprehend what had just happened.  I was so sad, I sobbed for 24 hours straight. I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.  I wanted to die and had no desire to continue my life without my one and only son.  I felt god's hand immediately, I am not a religious person, but I do believe in after life and I definitely believe in God now. 

I think grief is the most personal experience that human beings can go through and it is very unique for each individual.  I believe that each person has similiar feelings = Denial, Anger, Numbness, Depression, acceptance (new normal is what I like to call acceptance) ... I am not a therapist but I have read a lot about trauma and loss. Accidental death is considered traumatic loss and I suffered from PTSD for a couple of years. I still can experience the feelings of anxiety and fear from the accident if I go back to that day and review all the events leading up to and after the plane crash.  I could not look at the metal washed up on the shore or review the insurance investigation - the cause of the accident was never determined as they could not recover the engine or my son's body.  He was buried at sea under the weight of the plane which was 400 yards off the shore of the North Jetty in Florence Oregon.  My husband was not with us. 

His experience with our son's loss is much different than mine. I have done a lot of work on my grief and loss through counseling and support from my co-workers and family.  It can cause a lot of strain in relationships and is not an easy journey.  I try to stay in the present, I can't look at videos, pictures or listen to his voice without crying - even today almost six years later. 

I don't think anyone can judge how long someone should cry - tears flow and will flow again for you I am sure - but maybe not.  Grief is bumpy and not smooth ...Please keep reaching out on this blog as others support in these chat rooms really helped me when I needed it the most. 

Lisa D

[My girl is in heaven]

Maggie.  I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl.  I am almost 9 years of losing my 17 year old daughter very suddenly of a heart arrthymia.  I went thru almost the same thing you are experiencing right now.  I could not cry much, I too went about things like nothing had happened.  I went shopping the next week.  I was watching tv.  I went in between acting like it hadn’t happened and then being devastated.  I too was suicidal and just wanted to be with my daughter. And yes totally consumed with guilt that I wasn’t reacting the way I thought a grieving mom should.  But it will hit you , sometimes like a rogue wave that just comes out of no where and knocks you off your feet.  You absolutely loved you girl so much.  There is no handbook on what to do when you lose a child...no instructions.  There is no what is right or wrong....there is only what you are feeling at the moment and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  Right now you are still looking for her to come thru the door. And you will for a bit.  But don’t ever question your love for your daughter.  I did not expect to last 9 hours after my daughter died let alone 9 years.  In time you will learn to weave your sadness into your new life and as much as you don’t think so now there will be light in your life again dear friend.  I have been in those shoes you are in right now.  I will be here to help you if you want.  You do have to go thru grief, but never alone.  
 

Lu......Kira’s mama