Holidays Mean Nothing Anymore

[Iloveromance1996]

I admit that I've never really been a fan of Christmas and I don't really know why. I try to blame it on working so many years in retail but I haven't done that since 1997 and even then it wasn't so bad. Somewhere along the way Christmas has just become... unimportant and I could never get into the Christmas spirit like I could just a few years before. In December of 2018 my husband and I got into an argument via text messages (I was at work) and the only thing I remember about it was that he "reminded me" that I "don't even like Christmas".

Now that's kind of true of all holidays.

We had started going out of town for Christmas when my schedule would allow it and it was nice to get away even if it was somewhere relatively close. Christmas of 2018 was awkward b/c I was only able to get Christmas Day off so we drove for two hours to Bellingham, Washington and spend the night at a nice where they had a buffet  brunch on Christmas Day. We packed our bag and I drove us up there Christmas Eve and then we left Christmas Day to come home. At the time my husband wasn't feeling well and honestly he'd been that way since the summer when he'd contracted shingles right before a road trip to Canada and I ended up driving all the way there and back. We had a nice Christmas but when we got home he was too tired to open presents so we didn't end up opening them until January 5th. He passed away on the 14th.

I was glad we spent New Year's Eve together at a hotel and even then he was sleeping a lot and I had to wake him up to tell him it was midnight. We came home on New Year's Day and he ended up sleeping most of the day. But at least we were together.

The first holiday I spent without him was Valentine's Day and that year Seattle had what we call a major snowstorm. I was told not to go into work due to the weather so it made it worse staying at home by myself, but  I found a gift card that he had bought me the year before at Barnes and Noble and I ordered a CD online. I listen to it constantly and every song reminds me of him, even though I don't think he was that familiar with the group. When I listen to it, I feel like the CD was from him, so it's comforting in a way.

Easter was really hard b/c we usually went to the casino where they had this huge Easter brunch. We weren't big on cooking so these were a fun way to get out for a little while. I seriously considered going by myself but I couldn't afford it. One of my coworkers asked me to work for her so I did and it did keep my mind off of things for a while, But then came Mother's Day. We didn't have kids but the casino had another brunch and it upset me to think that I couldn't go to the buffet.

Even though I don't really like Christmas, Christmas Eve was really hard, being alone at home. I volunteered to work on both Christmas and Thanksgiving to get my mind off of things but Christmas Eve was pretty bad as far as the loneliness factor is concerned.

My birthday is September 15th and my husband's was on the 23rd. Our birthdays were so close that we usually went on trips to celebrate, but this year on my birthday I just felt numb. I got to meet a friend that I had met online years before. He took me out to dinner but I was in a fog the whole time and couldn't really enjoy myself, to be honest. I wanted to do something special to celebrate my husband's birthday but my plans with a friend fell through so we never really got to do anything, which was upsetting as well.

I know the holidays are supposed to get easier but honestly they don't mean anything to me anymore. Anyone else feel that way?

 

[widower2]

Absolutely. I mostly hate them now, all of them, although frankly I mostly didn't like Christmas for other reasons for many years...the only silver lining was shopping for and watching her open presents (and yes getting them too, but mostly because they were from her). Then even that was gone. Christmas and birthdays (hers and mine) are the hardest. I tell people not even to send me cards any more because I lost her right around my birthday so to hell with it...that said, people I've met or known since then I wish would acknowledge it in SOME way. A birthday alone and mostly forgotten is a horrible thing. I can't tell you the last time I had a birthday present to open, a birthday cake to blow candles out on, or even had someone so much as sing happy birthday (I'm guessing in the 15 yr range by now), even when they knew it was my birthday. My first Christmas without her I couldn't even visit family because I had to stay with her dog who was now mine (long story) so it was just he and I. I'm not sure what's worse between a birthday alone and a holiday alone.  And Valentines is just miserable, even after all these years. Basically I hate holidays. 

The first real one I had without her was Thanksgiving and by that time our "friends" had mostly disappeared...only by luck did one of her friends, who I didn't even really know all that well, find out I had no plans and invited me over. In fact the last time I got together with any of her friends outside of that was a few weeks prior with 2 of her closest friends...and they sat there and chatted about THEIR plans for Thanksgiving. Never even asked me let alone invited me. Funny how you find out what real friends you do or don't have at a time like this...

I'm rambling, sorry. A long-winded way of saying I can relate. I'm sorry for your loss and the holiday struggles.