My dad is gone: How could I feel so much at once?

[jewllgem]

I'm new on here but I'm feeling pretty alone. Lost my dad in January,  he was a long time bachelor and loner,  I was his only child and he was incredibly dedicated to me but struggled with social anxiety and alcohol abuse. I've been living abroad, am 27, was going to get married last month but canceled due to Covid19.  I had no idea the problem was as bad as it was. We loved each other but it was so hard to talk about big issues with him. I regret deeply not confronting him directly about his drinking. He was found with bottles all around on his living room floor. I flew home to take care of my dad and I feel like its broke something inside me. I spend way too much time watching Netflix- which he did too. I feel afraid I'll end up alone and waste my life away like he did toward the end. I feel just totally gutted that he doesn't get to be free and we don't get to figure out our relationship. I feel responsible because I was the only person he might have listened to about quitting.  Also, my friends don't have any idea what to say to me (not that I can see them now anyway). Has anybody experienced something like this? Just a huge flood of every complicated feeling ever? 

[reader]

Dear jewllgem,

I'm very sorry for your loss. It is normal for grief to knock us down and you are so right it is a very complicated feeling. We all have guilt about our parents and wished so much things were different. I tried to tell my dad not to smoke but he would never listen to me. But I still berate myself about what I could have done and said to possibly save him. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You did the best you could under the circumstances. I found this article helpful. 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/01/guilt-in-wake-of-parents-death.html

I hope it will help give you a little comfort.

Thinking of you.

 

[@Appy]

On 5/6/2020 at 2:17 AM, jewllgem said:

I'm new on here but I'm feeling pretty alone. Lost my dad in January,  he was a long time bachelor and loner,  I was his only child and he was incredibly dedicated to me but struggled with social anxiety and alcohol abuse. I've been living abroad, am 27, was going to get married last month but canceled due to Covid19.  I had no idea the problem was as bad as it was. We loved each other but it was so hard to talk about big issues with him. I regret deeply not confronting him directly about his drinking. He was found with bottles all around on his living room floor. I flew home to take care of my dad and I feel like its broke something inside me. I spend way too much time watching Netflix- which he did too. I feel afraid I'll end up alone and waste my life away like he did toward the end. I feel just totally gutted that he doesn't get to be free and we don't get to figure out our relationship. I feel responsible because I was the only person he might have listened to about quitting.  Also, my friends don't have any idea what to say to me (not that I can see them now anyway). Has anybody experienced something like this? Just a huge flood of every complicated feeling ever? 

Hello there. I am Appy. 31 yrs of age and from India. Very new to this forum. I lost my dad on 5th may 2020. Being very orecise my dad was the world to me everyyyyythingggggg to me. Since that day i hv cried every night and every day .. felt hopeless have given up hope to get back to normal and stand on my feet have given up on myself aswell. Never felt pain and loss so intensely ever before. The fact that I will never hear from him again or touch him again is killing me from inside. So whtever u r feeling i hope u can relate.

Regards

Appy