Loss of Partner by Suicide

[Bryn]

I lost my husband of 26 years 6 months ago.  He suffered from periodic depression and anxiety and we had been getting treatment for 6 years after he first indicated he had suicidal thoughts.  In fact we had just "graduated" from therapy 5 months before his loss.  I knew he was having what I called a "down cycle" but I didn't expect he would take his life, we had always worked our way out of it before.  Our marriage was good, normal.  We had a lovely summer vacation, celebrated our anniversary and had just had Thanksgiving. I knew he was unhappy at work and we were talking about options. Then one morning, I was working from home and I heard him get up and feed the cats, let the dogs out and move around downstairs. Just before 7 am I realized I hadn't heard him shower so I went looking for him worried that he'd fallen asleep on the couch watching the morning news. I searched the house for him and I found him hanging in the basement.  I had to get my son to help me cut him down. I still suffer with that trauma.

The last thing he did on this earth before taking his life was make my morning tea.  He always told me he liked doing it because it was his way of saying "I love you".  I know he loved me and our kids.  I know he knew we loved him.  It was him loving him that he struggled with.  

I forgave him before his body even left the house.  It has been me that I have had trouble forgiving.  Worried I didn't do or say the right thing. Logically, I know only he could have stopped himself but emotionally I carry guilt that I missed things.  Hindsight is a cruel mirror and provides context to things you didn't understand at the time they were happening. 

I am slowly coming to terms with things. I still cry a lot, some days a little and some days are gooey messy sobbing. I try to hide most of the worst of it from my kids (teenagers). My heart is still broken.  I miss him every day. 

[Missy1]

So sorry for your loss and pain, I lost my husband a little over three months ago he was only 58 strong healthy beautiful man he became severely depressed when he lost his job that he had for 20 years he started to drink a lot. Doctors decided to put him on anxiety meds and a whole slew of other meds the meds made him more depressed and suicidal which I didn’t know at that time. He continued to drink which amplified the meds long story short, I came home after work, we had a fight over his drinking, He quietly turned around went to the bedroom grabbed his 9 mm went out the back door while I was still cooking up dinner and put a bullet through his head. He lived in the hospital partially conscious he could hear and understand, his brain was swelling he cried, I saw him he understood what I said.
He felt like a burden (he wasn’t).

i didn’t know his brain was scrambled, I was arguing after a stressful day and we would have made up. I said horrible things to him, we were arguing. I NEVER thought he do that. He had never been suicidal.

Today I claimed the gun he used. I picked it up from the sheriff’s office today. It tore me to pieces. I wanted it because it was his. It seems so unreal. He was very kind, good man. I broke him, I know the truth. I hate myself every day I will never forgive myself, ever!

[jwahlquist]

While I don’t know what it is like to lose my spouse to suicide, I do understand your grief.  I lost my husband of 22 years unexpectedly due to complications from Influenza and strep.  He walked into the ER and never came home again.  One day he was fine and the next he was in ICU.  
 

I suffer with the knowledge that I didn’t realize he was as sick as he was. I would have or should have drug him into the ER the night before.  Maybe if I had done so he would still be here.  I was just feeling so crappy myself and run down from having strep throat that I missed it.  I will have to live with that forever.  I hate myself for it.  

Hindsight is the worst  because it brings forth millions of would’ve, should’ve, could’ve scenarios all of which make us feel awful.  

 

[SSC]

I am glad you found this site, @Bryn.  Coming here to read and be amongst others who understand is a lifesaver.  To know the feelings you have are normal.  To have a group of people who have been where you are and give advice is so helpful.  I found this site a little over 2 months after my own husband took his life.  This place saved me from losing my mind.

I understand when you say you forgave your husband but you can’t forgive yourself.  I too have huge amounts of guilt.  Why didn’t I see the signs?  Why didn’t I leave work earlier? Why didn’t I tell him every single day he was the most amazing person?  All these little things that I feel if I would have done, it would have made a difference.  I went to therapy because I just couldn’t live with what had happened.  I was a mess.  She helped me to understand that he wasn’t in his right mind when he pulled the trigger.  He just couldn’t see passed that moment of pain.  Depression does such damage to a person and often they hide it very well.  It’s so hard not to blame ourselves because it’s better to have guilt than to not have control over our loss.

My husband’s gun was a very expensive tactical rifle. He built it himself.  He wasn’t a huge gun enthusiast but used the gun for target practice and the hobby of gun making.  I never liked the gun.  It always looked so black and menacing.  He promised me he would always be careful with it.  He promised me he would never use it against himself.  When I found him and I knew he used that damn gun, I never wanted to see it ever again.  I requested the police to destroy it because the thought of the possibility of that thing causing more harm was too much of a burden.

18 months have gone by and I am so surprised I am still alive.  Some days the suffering and pain is so intense I think it will kill me.  I still secretly hope for this.  I didn’t know it at the time but the minute my husband died I split in two.  Half of me died with him and is still fighting to be with him.  The other half tries to live on, grudgingly, knowing others in my life need me and would be devastated if another loved one died.  Some days are a struggle other days I go with the flow.  But everyone’s grief journey is different.  Don’t measure it with anyone else.  This is a very slow process and now part of our DNA.  We can’t change that.

I have met some wonderful people on this site, some have become true friends.  I would never wish this pain on anyone but here we all are, together trying to cope the best we can.  If it wasn’t for these people, their understanding and their friendship I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now.  I thank them, they have kept me sane.

[Bryn]

14 hours ago, Missy1 said:

So sorry for your loss and pain, I lost my husband a little over three months ago he was only 58 strong healthy beautiful man he became severely depressed when he lost his job that he had for 20 years he started to drink a lot. Doctors decided to put him on anxiety meds and a whole slew of other meds the meds made him more depressed and suicidal which I didn’t know at that time. He continued to drink which amplified the meds long story short, I came home after work, we had a fight over his drinking, He quietly turned around went to the bedroom grabbed his 9 mm went out the back door while I was still cooking up dinner and put a bullet through his head. He lived in the hospital partially conscious he could hear and understand, his brain was swelling he cried, I saw him he understood what I said.
He felt like a burden (he wasn’t).

i didn’t know his brain was scrambled, I was arguing after a stressful day and we would have made up. I said horrible things to him, we were arguing. I NEVER thought he do that. He had never been suicidal.

Today I claimed the gun he used. I picked it up from the sheriff’s office today. It tore me to pieces. I wanted it because it was his. It seems so unreal. He was very kind, good man. I broke him, I know the truth. I hate myself every day I will never forgive myself, ever!

Missy1, our husbands died of their disease.  Life is full of ups and downs and we are allowed to have our own emotions. Healthy people don't do what our husbands did.  Healthy people talk, argue and make up.  The disease tells people they are a burden and that their loved ones would be better off without them.  It's a lie but it's part of the disease and they cannot see through it anymore.  

The survivors feel guilt and play the could have, should have game with ourselves.  But in the words of one man who I met afterwards who was battling suicidal thoughts told me, "the only person who can stop me is me.  No one else causes this, it's not one else's fault".  Talking to him helped me understand better where my husband's mind really was.  It doesn't take away the pain but it does help mitigate the guilt. 

You didn't cause this, and you didn't break him, and I hope you talk to someone to help you comes to terms with the loss.  Loss by suicide is a double whammy (as says the bereavement group that I have joined).  

 

 

[Bryn]

@SSC

Thank you for those words.  I am still battling every day but I have three kids who need their mom.  I love him so much, and miss him every day and I understand better why he did what he did.  I am also grieving not only for his loss but for my own losses.  The loss of the future I thought I had, the loss of my partner, co parent and friend.  I am grieving for my children who lost their father.  He will not be at their graduations or weddings.  Some days I can barely breathe and others I am almost normal but it is always part of my day.  Some days I relieve the trauma of finding him and everything that happened right after.  Those are the worst, when that moment of understanding what has happened punches you in the gut and knocks you to your knees.  

I am a relatively strong and intelligent woman but the day he died, I couldn't figure out how to call 911.  I was looking at my screen and I couldn't figure out if it was the unlock screen or the phone screen.  I kept apologizing to the responders because I was so "stupid" repeating myself or not remembering what I just said.  The team who came were kind and compassionate and I am grateful for how they handled things with me and my kids.  

I understand the split in two.  Part of me died that day too and I have to learn how to take the part that is left and nourish it.  I am still here, and I still have a life to live.  I have no idea how to do it yet but it's a big step forward to allow myself to acknowledge that I am allowed to keep living.  It just won't be the way I had hoped or planned for and that makes it super scary.  

[foreverhis]

@Missy1  I'm so glad you responded right away.  I was hoping you would. 

I cannot know what it is to lose your soulmate to suicide, but I know that it is a loss to illness that is, at its core, no different from me losing my love to cancer.  Your husbands fought hard and would never have left you on purpose.  I really believe this, though again, I know my loss is different.  It's just that people so often separate "mental" illness from other ones.  This is wrong.  An illness in our brains is an illness.  Period.

I wish I had words to help, but all I can offer is my sincere sorrow that you, SSC, and Bryn (and others here) have lost the loves of your lives to illnesses that we often don't understand or that are misunderstood.

@Bryn  I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us, but you have found a good place to be.  We never judge or tell you what you "should" or "shouldn't" do.  We will comfort when we can and give advice if asked.  You should know that here, you are never alone.  I cannot possibly know how horrifying it was for you to find your husband.  Of course you're still traumatized.

Hindsight is indeed a cruel...rhymes with witch.  We look back and wonder what we could have done or what we should not have done.  We find fault with ourselves and feel guilt and remorse.  This is true for almost all of us, regardless of how our loves died.  But we are the ones left here, so we are the ones who take it all on our shoulders.  Part of that is a way of our hearts and minds trying to look for a different outcome.  In forgiving your husband immediately, you showed a strength that not everyone finds.  That is a true act of love.  Allowing yourself to know that it's okay to keep living and to be there for your kids is a good step forward.  It is scary to face a future so different from the life you were living and what you had planned.  So keep taking it slowly and stay focused on the here and now for the time being.  That's all you should ask of yourself.

It's so interesting to me that you mention how your husband made your tea every morning as a way he showed his love.  My husband readied my cup of coffee (individual scoop, but not those pod thingies) every morning.  He'd fill the little scoop with fresh ground coffee, measure out the filtered water, put a bowl of my favorite Hawai'ian sugar next to the machine, and all I had to do was stagger downstairs and push the button.  Then I'd go tell him good morning because he was almost always awake before me.  These small gestures mean more to me than all the diamonds or roses in the world.  And I would do the same for him.  I'd set up the machine for his cup of coffee at night before I headed up to bed to join him.  Then all he had to do was stagger downstairs and push the button.

That the very last gesture your husband made was an expression of his love speaks volumes about your connection to each other.  His illness took him from you, not any weakness or fault on either of your parts.  Please try to keep that in mind as you take small steps along this painful journey.

[Bryn]

@foreverhis Thank you for those words.  It means a lot.  It took me months before I could wash the cup that my last tea was in.  I still have his pillow, unwashed, that rests on my bed.  I don't sleep with it because I don't want to have to wash it, but sometimes I need to lay my head down where he last laid his head. God I miss him so much.

 

[KayC]

@Bryn  I am so sorry to hear of this, loss is hard no matter how it happens but suicide esp. I am glad you recognize it was the disease who took him and not he himself.

I send you thoughts of comfort and peace...I don't know if you've already seen this or not, but I want to give you my article just in case you haven't, hoping something in it is helpful to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Missy1]

@foreverhis That was a very heart felt response, thank you bringing us all such insightful and thoughtful posts. You do have a gift, you write beautifully! Thank you for sharing it with us, your words bring much needed  comfort to all.

[Missy1]

9 hours ago, Bryn said:

I am a relatively strong and intelligent woman but the day he died, I couldn't figure out how to call 911.  I was looking at my screen and I couldn't figure out if it was the unlock screen or the phone screen.

I was in shock to, I ran to him held him. I told him he would be okay, “I got you, it will be okay, I love you” I said, he was still breathing, I was soaked in his blood I saw myself outside my body, screaming for help and crying, I looked like a crazy woman. I called 911 but the neighbors had already called. The neighbors stood outside the gate looking at me in horror.

[SSC]

Honestly @Missy1 I cannot even imagine going through what you did.  My heart breaks for you.  It’s these memories when we first find them that will haunt us forever.  My husband covered himself with a blanket that I made for him.  I believe I heard the gunshot while trying to open the garage door he locked,  His gun had a silencer on it so I’m not sure if what I heard was the gun going off.  When I found him it took me a few seconds to understand what happened.  After screaming I called 911 but kept getting the response in Spanish.  I couldn’t figure out how to use my phone..
 

My husband suffered from chronic depression.  I am so very aware of not being neglectful of our mental heath now.  All the things I did for him, trying to make life less stressful didn’t help in the end.  I thought I/we were doing everything right but we never know deep down how others are coping unless they are willing to be honest and truthful about what they’re dealing with.  Our society is getting better about not shaming those with this disease but we can do better.  

[Bryn]

@Missy1 and @SSC Thank you both for confirming that I was not alone in being unable to be coherent when it happened.  I had to crawl up the basement steps, I couldn't stand properly.  The last touch I have of my husband was his still warm body in my arms as we cut him down.  He couldn't have been gone for more than an hour max.  

[KayC]

You're never alone here.  Plenty of us understand.  My husband's wasn't suicide, but it was sudden and unexpected.  II'm so glad those of you who went through that realize it wasn't them that took their life but their sickness.