On entering the second year, steps toward acceptance and letting go of guilt

[MODArtemis2019]

Yesterday was the first anniversary of my husband's death. The worst day of my life, as I'm sure everyone can understand. I have tortured myself in the past year with guilt and regrets over my role as wife/caretaker. 

Lately I have been working on accepting what happened instead of mentally fighting it. And I realized I don't want to carry this guilt into the second year; I want to leave it behind. 

So I decided I would commemorate this day with positive thoughts, by remembering my husband and our life together and doing the springtime gardening that he loved to do. He loved working in the garden and he REALLY loved it when we worked together in the garden. He would look over at me and just beam. Because he was so happy that the woman he loved also loved this very important part of his life. 

When some of the old negative baggage crept in my mind, I was alert for it and didn't let it take over my thoughts. 

And by focussing on our life together (and not my guilt-baggage), I was able to truly feel the pain of that loss and honor it with my grief. 

So I cried a lot during the day. But that's ok, because I lost the best part of my life. 

[Missy1]

A year, you have survived, that in itself is tremendous. Sorry that it’s still so painful. I appreciate the share, I hope that you can find joy in the beautiful life you shared. Our old lives are gone, it’s been three months for me, everyday is hard, I think about him and our old life constantly. I to have so much guilt it feel like a bag of heavy stones on my chest, each breathe is labor. I feel like I could have done so much more. Hindsight is always perfect. I am working on forgiving myself as well. I wish for you only peace.

[KayC]

@MODArtemis2019  Thank you for sharing that, I love how you're putting a positive outlook on it.  It's so common for us to feel guilt with all of the coulda/wouldas we blast ourselves with...it helps when with time we process this to the point where we can let go of that and realize it happened, nothing we can do to change it and stop beating ourselves up.  I'm glad that realization has come to you and you're making concerted effort to move forward as best as you can in a positive way.

I love that you're continuing the gardening...I pray you feel his closeness as you do.

[Dey]

Thank you for sharing. I don't know how I'd be a year from now, at the moment I'm just focusing on my next breathe, but I'm happy you continue doing something you both love before.