I lost my boyfriend due to accident, I can't help but to blame myself for everything

[FaithCrystl]

Its been a week already. It happened on April 24, 2020. Everything was still fresh, everything. He was on his way to meet me because I couldn't handle my problems anymore. He is my everything, my world. We're both teens, 19 years old to be specific. That day, we hangout with my other friends, chill, until we decided to drink the stocked liquor. Everything is fine until I noticed my boyfriend. He was very sweet at that day, all he did was hugged and kissed me. He kept on requesting a lot of hugs and kissess from me. I already noticed that he was somehow drunk, I stopped him and told him that he need to go home, the drink is enough since he rode a motor just to visit me. He didn't want to stop drinking. It was almost noon, we decided to go home. I kept on asking him to stay a little longer so that he might go home safe, I asked him to stay for a while to lessen the effect of the liquor but he didn't want to. I really begged and stopped him, he yelled at me and said "Don't worry I can go home safe". I tried to sneek into his belt to grab his motor keys but he wouldn't let me grab it. He told me to go home since it is almost noon. I followed his order and kissed him goodbye. I told my friends to watch over him until then, I went home and someone told me that he got into an accident. My world fall apart, I still remember the day he was lying in the ground soaking on blood. I kept on blaming myself about what happened. It kept on haunting me to the point that myself was traumatized. Please help, the pain is unbreable. I miss him everyday. Some people kept on blaming me about the incident. I'm fucked up, even my family is mad at me because of the incident. They kept on insisting me that I killed my boyfriend. Everyday is a struggle for me. I always have the thought of killing myself because of the pain and suffering. Please help, I'm loosing everything. I can't take this anymore. I miss him every single day. I always hit his messenger everytimr I woke up and tell things about my mind. I kept on talking altough he's not here anymore, I feel that he's there but I can't see him. I love him so much, every single days passes by my feeling are getting stronger and stronger for him. It felt like even though he's not here anymore, I always feel like our hearts are still connected that he's still alive that maybe he's doing something or he was just around the other country. It hurts a lot. I kept on crying everyday, he is my everything.

[jwahlquist]

Hi,

I am sorry for your loss.  19 is really young to have to deal with losing someone you love.   First of all it is not your fault.  People have free will and make their own choices.  You didn’t  force him to drink and then drive.  He made his own choices and unfortunately the choices he made had devastating consequences.  Please don’t let everyone make you feel like it is your fault.   If you are considering suicide please seek some help.  Go to your doctor or a therapist and get help.  Call the suicide hotline.  
 

There is a lot of life for you left to live.   While it might not be going the way you envisioned it is still worth living.  I lost my husband of 22 years almost 3 months ago.   He has been the center of my world and I have been trying to piece myself together.  It isn’t easy and I still cry every single day.  But I make it one day at a time. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss and for your feeling immense guilt over the accident.  Please understand that FEELING guilty does NOT MAKE you guilty!  I am sorry people are blaming you, that is horrible, especially when you need their support and understanding right now.  

He chose to drink, that is not on you.  You weren't with him when it occurred, I don't see how anyone could blame you.  You showed concern for his impairment, asked friends to look after him.  

These articles my shed some light on what you are feeling and why, what you can do about it:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful and hope something in it will be of help to you.  When we go through sudden loss we are in shock, do not know how to proceed, can't fathom life without that person, etc.  These are normal feelings in grief.  I didn't know how I'd live one week without my husband but here it is almost 15 years later.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Missy1]

Very sorry for your loss it is extremely painful and devastating to lose the one we love. Do not blame your self he made a bad decision you did everything in your power to caution him and stop him. 
I’m sure he felt confident that he could still drive it’s very sad at any age but 19 seems so young, barely got to live...

The loss of one we loved so dearly stays with us forever, they say we have to learn how to carry this and go forward. This is so new you’ll need time to process and grieve, I hope you find some peace eventually.

[krislibby1432]

Hello,

I was in a similar situation about a year ago. I was 24 years old when I lost my fiance, he was killed in a hit and run. We both were drinking and he crossed the street without looking. 

I blamed myself so much for so long. I always wonder what if, if there was something I could've done to change it, would he still be here today. I thought why him? We had our whole life planned ahead of us, he was too young to pass away, and I was too young to feel the pain of losing my one true love. I thought it was all one bad nightmare and he would walk right through the door and give me his famous smirk.

I can honestly say I can feel the pain you are experiencing, and it is the worst pain anyone can experience. You would rather it all be taken away, instead of dealing with it, but I can promise you, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I would've never thought the pain will ever ease, if the pain was going to last forever but it will get better.

Please, do not think it was your fault, because it is not. We as humans have an amazing thing that god gave us, free will. James my fiance had a strong mind and he was going to do what he wanted to do, no matter what I said, guess it was the marine in him.

What help me through the pain was focusing on things he wanted to do in life, or living for him because i still had my life. He was body builder, and wanted to compete in the daytona classic for the first time (where he actually passed away at too) I put my mind to it and wanted to step up to plate and compete for him in his name, I did and I actually won. It was a shocking moment, but I knew he would've been so happy. It helps a lot when you do stuff for that loved one, but please know ending your life is not the answer. I understand how you feel, but would he be happy if you did that? You are so young and have so much to life. 

I hope this helps you.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, krislibby1432 said:

What help me through the pain was focusing on things he wanted to do in life

Good advice.

[Missy1]

@krislibby1432That was a tale of hope and perseverance. Thank you for sharing, so often we are all trying to crawl out of this mire of pain it’s such a breath of fresh air to hear that you honored him in such an amazing way! You are a strong person and found your way. Each person has their own path and different circumstances but we share our struggles and victories.