Loss of my soulmate and alone

[Maralina]

I lost my husband of 35 years a little over a week ago of a brain aneurysm.  He fell ill in our home and was taken to the hospital and because of covid 19, I had to stay home and not go with him.  All the communications with the doctors and nurses were over the phone.  The only time they let me see him was to say goodbye before he passed.  My kids didn't travel to say goodbye as the  hospital would not let them come see him.  I am now alone in our home with because of the stay at home orders.  I miss him so much as we did everything together and every day I don't know how  to handle  the sadness, the tears and the heartache. Thanks for listening  Maralina

[Gail 8588]

Maralina,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it seems unbearable.  If there is someone who offers their help, your children, a sibling, an in-law or a good friend, I recommend you accept their offer.  You will need someone to help for awhile, as the world will make no sense. Time is warped, gravity itself is unreliable. Breathing becomes a chore you sometimes have to concentrate on to accomplish.

I am so sorry you have fallen into this vast abyss during this time of social distancing. If you have someone who offers to come stay with you, please accept the offer. You will need support and care.

Come back here and reach out to this group, who have all struggled on this path.  Our journeys are all unique, but we can share our experiences.  It does often help to know others have felt things you are experiencing.

Take one hour at a time, one minute, one breathe. Don't have expectations beyond right now.  Grieve in whatever manner you feels right to you.  There is no wrong way to do it, but do try to eat occasionally, take care of your physical body. It helps to have someone in your home to support you.

Sending you strength and hugs.

Gail

 

[Missy1]

I am so sorry for your loss.. I to lost my husband he was only 58, he died 12 weeks ago! We are all people in extreme distress here, we try to help each other by sharing and caring. It’s a very special place you have found, we are going thru this together. Everyone has their own story and we never judge or compare. We try to so support and listen and share. This help us all heal, because we know  we are not alone!  Please stay, read some threads and vent as we can relate, like no one else can who has not lost their partner/soulmate.

[Dey]

Hi @Maralina I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband too 3 weeks ago due sudden heart attack, he was only 46 years old. I know how hard it is, especially at this moment to lose someone you love. I had to arrange funeral and everything alone, our family couldn't attend. And by the time the funeral's over, me and my 11 years old son have to self isolate for 2 weeks just to be sure we weren't got the covid on us. But we can't go out even if we want to since now our government extends the lockdown for another 2 weeks. I cry everyday too, I feel lonely and miss my husband, I never feel lonely before eventhought I'm alone. Some kindhearted members told me to try to breathe, a moment at a time.. it's so hard to think about surviving next year, months, weeks or tomorrow, so just one moment at a time...

[Maralina]

Thank you all for  your kind words and thoughts.  Your comments gave me more comfort than I have had through this journey.  Thanks for being there.

[KayC]

On 4/28/2020 at 2:52 PM, Maralina said:

I don't know how  to handle  the sadness, the tears and the heartache.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, and all the more so that you're having to do it in these particular times.  Losing my George was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and the recent loss of my dog companion, Arlie, felt much like that had, very painful and hard to live with, followed by losing my 25 year old Kitty.  I wonder sometimes, "Can't I keep anything?!"  The best piece of advice anyone ever gave me was to take one day at a time, for my anxiety was crushing as I thought of "the rest of my life" without George.  I can't handle the "rest of my life," today I can do.  Tomorrow I get up and do it all over again.  Esp. in these times when we're all alone and can't even go out. 

I wrote this article after ten years, of the things I've found helpful in grief, some of it for the early days, some of it for later on as our journey evolves, I hope something in it is of help to you.  You've found a good place to be, I hope you will continue to post and read here.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Bryn]

I lost my husband suddenly 6 months ago.  I didn't know you could cry that much.  I honestly felt like I had sprained my tear ducts.  This was lie on the floor sobbing and snotting till I couldn't breathe.  Well when I wasn't battling my dog who thinks I shouldn't be lower than her.  It never really gets better, we learn to get used to it and to slowly move forward.  Being stuck at home is awful, you can never escape the grief, get even a moment of reprieve.  

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Bryn said:

It never really gets better, we learn to get used to it and to slowly move forward.

Better is a relative term, means someone different for everyone.  It doesn't mean we get over it, that's for sure, yes we learn to adjust little by little, it took me way longer than six months, it took years to process it, find a purpose again, and build a life I could live.  Then the Coronavirus came along and set me back to square one.

[loubol]

Hi All, Ive just signed up and read your experiences in losing a loved one, my heart genuinely goes out to each and everyone of you. I have recently lost my partner of 7 years due to a heart attack last month, he was only 50 yrs old. With this awful lockdown his symptoms were that of Covid, even though we had been self isolating and doing the right thing. He started to feel poorly on the Sunday. Temperature, tight chest. Told him to go to bed and sleep it off. Monday he felt worse, said lets go to hospital. No he said we will be surrounded by the virus. 5 hours later I was doing CPR, he died in my arms. I have no words to how I feel. I just feel numb. I moved out of the house and Im with my daughter and granddaughter which has really helped me take my mind of things. We have had the funeral which was very basic again due to this vile virus. I still think that he is going to just turn up at the door or give me a call. Its the worst thing ever. 

[Missy1]

@loubol so sorry for your loss. Glad you found this special place. I hope you start your own thread so we can respond to you more directly.  He died in your arms, it’s traumatic, we feel so helpless. It’s shocking when they go so suddenly, many unanswered questions. I hope you will find some comfort here amongst us. 

[KayC]

@loubol  I am so sorry!  This virus is the most horrible thing!  Your timeline is much like my own in that my husband had just had his 51st birthday and died suddenly/unexpectedly but of heart attack, that was 15 years ago next month.  I'm glad you are with your daughter and granddaughter so not alone.  My daughter came home to be with me when it happened but stayed a few months is all, had to go where work was.  I hope you'll read this and find something in it to help you, the biggest help for me was learning to take one day at a time.  I have GAD anyway but this loss can give you serious anxiety!  Learned to focus on right now and not take on the whole rest of my life.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.