Loss of boyfriend to suicide

[Sarah777]

My boyfriend jumped off a bridge 6 weeks ago. My 15 year old daughter had told a teacher at school that he had touched her bottom a few months back and that recently he had made comments that made her feel uncomfortable. She was taken to the police station annd  made a statement. It was decided not to take it any further by the police. I asked her about it and she was adamant about what happened. I called my boyfriend demanding to know the truth. He denied it all. He then stopped contacting  me until I received a text a few hours later saying he was going to kill himself. I knew he suffered with a anxiety but had not got any diagnosis of depression. I contacted his friend and mum andd told them what he had said. I didn't call 999. I didn't think he was serious. But he was. 

I am now being blamed by his parents. I have constant panic attacks about that night. Why didnt I just leave it? The police weren't going to do anything. Why did I hassle him for  answers? If I hadn't he would be alive still. My daughter is also feeling guilty because she feels it is all her fault, which I constantly reassure her it isnt. I feel so guilty for the whole situation 

[KayC]

Sarah, I am so sorry for what you and your daughter are going through.  ANY GOOD MOM WOULD WANT TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT AND PROTECT THEIR CHILD.  THAT IS YOUR #1 RESPONSIBILITY!  You did nothing wrong.  He did.  You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for his committing suicide.  That was him not wanting to face the music.  

You are bound to have all kinds of feelings at the same time...missing him, wishing to hit an undo button, anger at what he did (and kids rarely make these things up!).  You know your daughter better than anyone, I hope you take what she says seriously and to heart.  She would not have told a teacher had she not felt that.  A child has the right to feel safe.  Continue to love and support her daughter.  Please don't give his parents the time of day to attack you.  That is them note wanting to accept who their son was and what he struggled with.  Who knows what was in his background that brought this on but men often do to others what was done to them, in an effort to try to level the power, which doesn't work of course. Women on the other hand respond differently, often self harming or choosing down rather than up.  My daughter was raped when she was four by a babysitter's BF's friend (she wasn't supposed to have anyone over while babysitting).  I've watched how it's affected her in her life although when I learned about it she was nearly 23 and I got her into counseling.  I strongly encourage you to get your daughter into counseling for this!  I also encourage you to see a grief counselor who can help with your complicated grief.  Just remember that all of the feelings you feel, even while at odds with each other, are normal under the circumstances.  You have much to work through and it is imperative to get help with it because to not would be like trying to navigate walking through minefields while blindfolded.

Also I hope you will see your doctor about the anxiety and depression for the same reason, nothing wrong with needing help and getting it!  Many of us do.  

Please work on forgiving yourself and remember that just because you FEEL guilty doesn't MAKE you guilty.  

We are all here for you, Team Sarah, I hope you'll continue to come here and post as it really does help to express yourself, let it out, esp. with someone who gets it.

[Sarah777]

Thank you so much for this. I think it has been made harder as I have had the police asking me why didn't you call 999 when he said this and why did you tell him about it when you knew the police were not taking it further. It is  making me question everything I said and did on that night. All I wanted was to understand what had happened. For my daughter. It feels better knowing that you think I did the  right thing at the time; you could  eat yourself up with the what ifs. And i understand  his  family want someone to blame as they have lost their son, but we were close (to his family)and  it feels like they are punishing me when previously they seemed to care about me. 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Sarah, I am so sorry for what you and your daughter are going through.  ANY GOOD MOM WOULD WANT TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT AND PROTECT THEIR CHILD.  THAT IS YOUR #1 RESPONSIBILITY!  You did nothing wrong.  He did.  You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for his committing suicide.  That was him not wanting to face the music.  

Yes!  Thanks for putting it so clearly, Kay.

Sarah, Please, please try not to blame yourself.  We are adults who are responsible for our own actions and that includes your boyfriend.  We are not responsible for the choices of others, not even the people closest to us.  His parents can try to blame you all they want because they are lashing out in pain, but that doesn't make it true or right.

You and your daughter did nothing wrong.  Actually, your daughter was strong to speak up before "touched her bottom" and inappropriate comments went further.  Even 15 year olds knows the difference between an accidental touch (say, passing close by and brushing a bottom or not paying attention and bumping into) or an innocent moment of affection and, well, the wrong kind of touching and creepy comments.  And you were absolutely right to demand the truth.  Your daughter is your number one priority and you clearly had no reason to doubt her word.  All too often, children and teens are not believed because the adults in their lives either can't or don't want to face the truth.  The reason you didn't leave it, even though the police didn't feel they had enough to charge him--yet--is because you're a good mum with the right priorities.

But that doesn't mean that you won't feel the pain of loss, betrayal, and confusion.  It doesn't mean you won't grieve for what you had or thought you had.  You are only human and, I suspect, a mass of conflicting feelings right now.  Just keep taking it one day at a time and know that you did what was right.  In the end, that's all we or anyone can expect of us.

 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Sarah777 said:

why didn't you call 999 when he said this and why did you tell him about it when you knew the police were not taking it further

You didn't call 999 when he said that because you didn't believe he was serious, but you did call his family and friends.  They knew him best and they didn't call 999 either!

And you told him about it because you wanted and needed answers and the truth.  Just because the police weren't taking it further now doesn't mean that it wouldn't have escalated later.  It probably would have, though I'm no expert, because it seems that most predators start slowly and keep going until they are stopped.  Obviously I don't know for sure that it would have, but your daughter's instincts told her something was seriously wrong.  Neither you nor she did anything wrong and the police are wrong to make you feel that way.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

it seems that most predators start slowly and keep going until they are stopped. 

Yes, it's called grooming.  You absolutely handled it right!

That the police didn't do anything about it does not mean they don't believe it happen...there a wide chasm between what is likely and what can be proved beyond a shadow of doubt in a courtroom.  That is their everyday dilemma.    

[Sarah777]

Thank you everyone for your support. It is such a help. 

[KayC]

Just wake up every day and say something affirming to yourself.  I'd avoid his family since they're toxic to you right now.  Be there for your daughter, get her help.  Remember, none of this is your fault or hers either.

[Sarah777]

I am trying to. The funeral still hasn't happened yet either as his body was only found recently due to tides. I just feel such a conflicted mess....believing  my child but also believing what we had together. I have three girls, 15, 13, 11 and he had spent so much time with them. I am just focusing on my work, my children, coping with lockdown here . But it is hard because I still miss him as well. I will survive. I havve  the girls so I have  to! Talkin to people here is helping a lot though x

[KayC]

Oh Hon, please banish these thoughts!  You loved him just right, this was something within HIM, it didn't have to do with you...it just affects you a helluva lot.  (((hugs)))  And God doesn't work that way.  

[foreverhis]

13 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Maybe I’m just not worthy of a good man like him. Perhaps I am being punished by God...does anyone else feel this way?

Sure I do, from time to time.  Probably not exactly in the way you mean though.  Because our faith became more universal, rather than specific to how we were raised, for me it's more asking, "Why?  Was I that bad in a previous life?  Was I so horrible a person this time around?"  Of course, this is wrong because no God I'd want to believe in would hurt my beloved and take him from us in order to punish me.

Feeling unworthy of my husband's love and commitment is something I struggle with as part of the guilt I have over not being able to save him.  Rationally, I know that's wrong too.  I tried to do the best I could at the time.  I know there are things I could have done better; I knew it even then.  I have all the "Why did/didn't...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..." and so on.  I said to a friend, "You know I can go all the way back to the day he first asked me out.  From that day on there was never anyone else for either of us.  What if he hadn't met and married me?  Maybe he'd still be alive today."  I can think back to every fateful event in our 35 years together that brought us to where I am now.  I can summon every mistake I made along the way.  My friend was kind of appalled that I'd believe that and told me flat out that I was wrong, but she understood that I'm the one left here now and have to blame "someone."  If there were do-overs, I'd do my best to do things better, but that's not how thing work.  I have a tendency to put my love on a pedestal, as if he didn't have his own faults or make his own mistakes.  He was a wonderful, imperfect man who was perfect for me.  I try to remember that and not take the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I'm still working on shifting my guilt into the regret it should be.

We loved and love; we tried our best; we were not perfect.  These are universal to the members here, I think.  In this, as in so much else, you are not alone.

 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

What if he hadn't met and married me?  Maybe he'd still be alive today.

Or maybe he wouldn't have lived as long, or been as happy as he was with you.  But the maybes and whatifs weren't what happened.  And I rather think you were just right fore him.

[Missy1]

On 4/27/2020 at 8:27 AM, Sarah777 said:

his  family want someone to blame as they have lost their son, but we were close (to his family)and  it feels like they are punishing me when previously they seemed to care

I can relate to this, his family was cordial but they all kept their distance at the funeral reception. His Mom even got up and walked away when I sat down to talk to her. My SIL never considered me one of their family. She told me I should talk to my own family and get some help! 
It doesn’t bother me, I loved him not his hateful family.