Life means nothing without my wife!

[Jase]

Before I met my wife, I was in a very dark place. I hated my life! I was bullied through out my school life, both physically and emotionally. Always told I was never good enough, I was useless etc.

This carried on into my work life. Then in my mid twenties I met gorgeous, truly great woman, who was 3 years older than me, she later became my wife. Our relationship grew very quickly, my wife moved in with me a few weeks after we got together due to family issues at her mum house where she lived at the time. A couple of months after my wife moved in she fell pregnant with our first child. This was in 1999. 18 months later she fell pregnant with our second child. We got married in 2004, and after a few years, my wife's health deteriorated badly, major complicated heart and breathing problems. For the last for years I have been my wife's full time carer. We had 21 years of a great happy marriage. It was us against the world. |Our two sons are both now grown up young men  (20 and 18) starting their own lives. On the 21st of March my wife was rushed into hospital after suffering a major stroke, she was stabilised then transferred to a different hospital to begin rehabilitation for her stroke. Whilst at this new hospital my wife contracted Covid-19. The Dr's was told how to treat my wife but they refused to give my wife the treatment she needed. My wife passed away on the 3/4/2020 (our eldest sons birthday) from Covid-19 Pneumonia. She was 49 years old! I didn't protect my wife enough, I should have kept her at home when we first heard about this coronavirus. I let her down so badly!! Now she has gone, nothing especially life has any meaning to it! I know I have our sons and everyone keeps telling me I have to be strong for them and that I will learn to live without her in time, but I don't want too, all I want is to be back with my wife, by her side. Only then will I be happy again! My wife got me out of my dark place.(Yes I was suicidal then!) Now my dark place has come back with a vengeance, Death cannot come quick enough! I am sorry babe but you were/still my whole life. I cannot do this without you! I love you more than life!

[KayC]

@Jase  I'm glad you've found this place, it's a start in a safe place with others going through similar things.  It helps to be able to express yourself to others who get it.

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife.  My husband had just had his 51st birthday when he died, I was shocked, he looked fit as a fiddle, we didn't know until that weekend he had heart trouble even though he'd literally died six months before from one and the airbag going off gave the thrust to his chest that restarted his heart...it left his heart severely damaged according to the heart surgeon.  He didn't make it to surgery, he had another one and another and died.

It's common in early grief to go through all of the coulda/wouldas if an effort to find a different possible outcome, anything other than the one that happened.  But we don't get the benefit of hindsight or do-overs and it's important to work on forgiving ourselves for what we see as shortcomings.  We never intended anything but good for them, we'd have given our lives for them, that is the truth which we need to remind ourselves whenever guilt erects its head to us.

I wrote this at about ten years out, the things I'd found helpful in my grief journey, I hope something in it helps you today, something else in it later on down the road...this is a journey that is ever-evolving.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[icekoolguy]

i have been on this road for sixteen years my wife died very sudden oct 26,2006 while i was at work my son called me she passed out later i found out it was from a clot in her brain.i sat for three days and nights by her side watching the brain scan never moving we had 25 great years and talked about  what we do when i retired.i worked two jobs and became a millionaire but for what?my son got married and his wife is wife is expecting i often think she missed getting married and now being a grandma i feel i just want to be with her again everyday is so hard.

[KayC]

@icekoolguy  I'm glad you found your way here, you've been at this nearly as long as myself, today is 17 years since my husband died, June 19, 2005, Father's Day.  We learn to adjust as best as we can to the changes it means for our lives and learn to carry this, but it only gets "easier" (relative term) to a point, it has a starting point, but no ending point, until we too pass over and are with them again.  I, too, think how much more George has missed, some good, some bad.  It's like life goes from living color to black and white.  Going for drives without him here...would not be the same.  It's like my life feels like it's on hold, no matter what I do.  He missed out on the grandchildren, his first was born before he died, but clear across the US, he never got to see her in person.  He missed everything going on in my kids' lives, watching my son graduate with 4.0, 3 engineering degrees with no help, no indebtedness, the speaker at both ceremonies (two combined)...he missed their weddings, grandbabies, everything.  I'm still here, living alone, holding down the fort...growing old alone.  Somehow I've survived, can't say it's been easy, but I've done my best, I know he's proud of me.  I'm sorry your wife missed so much also.  (((hugs)))