Lost my husband suddenly

[JenD]

On 3\22\20 while my husband of 22 years was helping our daughter move the rest of her belongings from her dorm at college he had a sudden, unexpected heart attack. Our 19 year old daughter was in the room with him in the ER while he was on the CPR machine and the doctors and nurses tried to revive him. I drove, still don't know how from an hour away desperately praying, yelling for him to fight but of course he was already gone.  The unimaginable trauma of his sudden loss with no history of heart disease at 57 has left me and my daughter utterly paralyzed. We have no family here, they all live in the South, I took a voluntary furlough from work, this horrible pandemic, we feel so isolated.

My husband, my rock, my love, my soul mate has been taken just when we were adjusting to our new life as "empty nesters". All our plans for the future gone in a blink. I try to encourage our daughter to finish her 2nd semester of her freshman year of college, and she is trying but she has a tough time sleeping, re seeing every moment over and over. Sometimes my heart literally hurts for him and the pain of feeling like our daughter has been robbed of her initiation into young adulthood.

I'm trying to be strong, to not loose hope, to try to find some sort of joy each day but man this is so hard.

[peach_2003]

my husband passed away suddenly on March 27th. He died from pancertitis. he was just 37 years old. I know what your going through and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

[KayC]

Jen, I'm so sorry...my husband had just had his 51st birthday when he died of a heart attack.  I was 4 1/2 hours away with my sisters (we get together once a year, wouldn't you know it'd happen then) when I found out he was in the hospital.  I'd rode with my sister, she wouldn't take me to the hospital.  I didn't get to be with him for TWO DAYS!  When I got to the hospital, people were around, then they wanted to move him to ICU, they finally let me back in, he was asleep.  I was stroking his hand, his BP was low, he woke up in cardiac arrest, I ran for help, they threw me out and locked the door behind me, I didn't get to be with him as he was ushered in to his next life.  We were always together when not working, always there for each other, this part has haunted me.  52 and widowed.  He hadn't gotten to retire and now, nearly 15 years later, I'm growing old alone.

I hope your daughter will see the doctor about her sleep issues, it's hard to function w/o sleep, you too.  

I wrote this at about ten years out, the things I'd found helpful on my journey, something may speak to you now, something may seem irrelevant but speak to you later on in your journey, as it is ever-evolving..

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[JenD]

Thank you for your words of encouragement, so kind.  We do have a dog and I say nearly every day what a blessing he has been. He's a little cocker spaniel and loves to be cuddled and the walks help too though I wish it would warm up. 

My doctor gave me ativan which has saved me greatly. My daughter just started some meds to help her sleep, so far so good. 

[Missy1]

First of all I’m so sorry for your loss and for the pain that you’re in it’s shocking and traumatic to lose your spouse/partner unexpectedly! I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now but I can tell you that I suffered a great loss as well 12 weeks ago, the center of my world is gone, my husband was my world !  
I am in pain as well and I sympathize with you and your daughter, you are in for very life altering transition. It seems like everything in that moment just died with the person that you love so much and it seems like nothing matters anymore I know.

Please know that there are so many of us suffering loss and we’re all here and we try to comfort each other we try to share our experiences. I hope you read some threads and feel free to vent. I learn from others as we share our grief, I feel better because I am not alone neither are you. 

[jwahlquist]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am so sorry that happened to your daughter as that had to have been very traumatizing.  It does physically hurt sometimes how much you miss them.  
 

I lost my husband at the beginning of February. My 11 year old daughter and I were in the ER room with him when he started to get worse.  They kicked us out and that was the last time we got to see him awake.   It has been the worst time of my life.  For 23 years he has been my everything, my whole world.  I never expected to lose him when I was only 42.   

[Dey]

I'm so sorry for your loss, so so sorry.. I can't truly understand how you feel because your grieving is yours alone, but I might understand a bit because I also lost my husband suddenly just two weeks ago. I understand the desperation, the paralyzed reaction, the lost, sad and missing him in person, because that's what I'm feeling now. I found this forum, found members here helping each other experience our own grieving process by sharing stories, cries, vents or whatever.. no one would judge you here.

[JenD]

On Dey, so sorry you lost your husband. Those first few weeks are so numbing and painful, I understand completely. Every day and sometimes every hour is a rollercoaster. I'm glad this place exists for us to try to help.

My husband Greg was very sentimental, he kept everything, every anniversary card, birthday card, little notes. As I am going through things I find treasures. A lot of things to keep for my daughter, I don't think she's ready to see and read all these things yet but yesterday I found a 3 page hand written note he wrote about when we found each other, how he felt God had answered his prayers, the details of when we first made love.He went on express his joy of becoming a father and how happy our family was. I don't know when he wrote it and of course I just cried and cried reading it, but what a treasure it is to have.

One of my friends who lost a husband told me to write everything down. All the memories and special things about him. In time I will do this, for now I keep them locked up in my mind.

[Bryn]

I lost my 55 year old husband of 26 years suddenly in October.  I am still trying to come to terms with everything.  We had plans and I had hopes and in a blink they are gone.  I am sorry for your loss and pain. I don't think we ever get over it we only learn to get used to it.  Some days I still can't breathe but others I am a bit more functional. 

Please give yourself permission to grieve and to be messy about it.  Be kind to yourself, as kind as you would be to someone else who is grieving.  Talk about it with anyone and everyone.  Hand or e journal.  Say all the things you really want to say.  You are allowed to be every emotion there is and to swing between then frequently.  Soon the swings will get a little farther apart and the breathing space in-between a bit easier.  As sucky as it is, time is the only thing that gets us through the worst of it.

I found for 4-5 months I could only watch comedies and stuff I had seen before.  I couldn't read new books, I couldn't handle the stress or suspense of what was happening because my life was already too chaotic.  So I watched lots of The Big Bang Theory, reread a few books I liked before and cried when I couldn't hold it in any more.  Lots of baths and my closets are really organized. It is not supposed to be easy so give yourself all the breaks you need.

I wish you well in your journey.

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, Bryn said:

Be kind to yourself, as kind as you would be to someone else who is grieving.  

This is absolutely the best advice.  I think sometimes we forget that we should give ourselves the kindness, comfort, and care that we would give to others.  It's so hard to step outside ourselves and "look" at who we are now.  In understanding this, you've made a good step forward on this painful journey.

 

18 hours ago, Bryn said:

I found for 4-5 months I could only watch comedies and stuff I had seen before.  I couldn't read new books, I couldn't handle the stress or suspense of what was happening because my life was already too chaotic.  So I watched lots of The Big Bang Theory, reread a few books I liked before and cried when I couldn't hold it in any more.

Oh boy, do I understand that!  I was a voracious reader.  In my professional career, I was a technical/scientific writer.  I think I read two books the first year and reread maybe six more.  The only writing I did was stream of consciousness about what I was feeling/doing and some poems (a few good; mostly not).  A friend had mentioned all the guest stars they had on The Big Bang Theory and suggested I try watching some of the reruns.  My husband and I had given up on sitcoms years, maybe decades, earlier, so I was skeptical.  The thing is that the science/math and the behavior of "the guys" was so familiar because my friend and I had both spent a couple of decades working with scientists, engineers, a couple of astronauts, etc.  Some of the humor was spot on for us.  And it was easy to watch because it took almost no brain power on my part.

To this day, I don't read half as much as I did before, but I can slowly read new books now.  I can watch some new stuff on TV where I actually have to follow the plot.  Yet, late at night, I will stream something I've either seen before or that takes no effort.  Actually, the TV is on a lot more than it used to be because the house is so quiet and still that I need "something" to make it seem less so.  I listen to music, but that's really difficult and may always be because my husband and I were musicians by avocation and met in the theater.  The notion of "our" song is a vast and varied universe for us.  Music is so emotional anyway that I really have to limit it often.

I've said so many times that I didn't realize the human body could make so many tears.  I don't cry as much as I did the first year, but I still cry every day.  I talk to my husband less than I did at first, but I still talk to him every day.  I will miss him every minute of every day for the rest of my life, but that missing is often underlying my other thoughts and actions now, rather than being front and center all the time.

It will be 2 years in July that I lost the love of my life to the bastard cancer.  I will never "get over it" or "move on," but what I am learning to do is make my grief part of my life, instead of all of it.  It is a very slow process.  Still, I can look back to those first 6 or 8 months of utter despair and hopelessness and see that I have made little steps forward, carrying my love with me always.  I miss him every bit as much today as I did that first morning I woke up in a house that no longer seemed like our home.  But it does get better, it gets more bearable, and I do have times when I can smile or laugh and talk about him without completely breaking down.

It's a painful, slow, and difficult journey, but it is a journey.  It is not a straight or narrow road.  It has twists and turns, loops back on itself, and is often dark.  But coming here I found others who understood that, who didn't judge or nag or tell me what I "should" or "shouldn't" do.  I started to see bits of light and had moments of hope.  The members here are all walking their own paths, but we are walking them together.  That helps more than I ever thought it would.

[peach_2003]

I also don't read as much as I used to and I used to like reading a lot. I just finished the big bang theory we were watching this before he went into the hospital we were just about to start the 7th season so I went from there on it made me feel like he was still here with me, the tv is on all the time because like you said the place is to quiet without him being here, 

[JenD]

I am appreciating the wonderful insight here. Today, 6 weeks and 2 days from losing my love I am feeling the lowest of lows. I feel guilty and wonder if I loved him enough. Life, work and responsibilities get in the way of relationships some times, too many distractions. I know he knew I loved him but I'll never be able just really take the time to hold his face in my hands and softly express my utter need for him and how much he made me whole.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Bryn said:

I found for 4-5 months I could only watch comedies and stuff I had seen before.  I couldn't read new books,

I could watch any t.v. for a few years and couldn't read books except how to and grief ones fore TEN years!  My focus is still not where it was prior to loss.

2 hours ago, JenD said:

I feel guilty and wonder if I loved him enough.

Try not to doubt it, we all loved to the best of our ability.  Life not only gets in the way for us but it did for them too, that's just natural.  We have to work, eat, sleep, etc.  But we loved each other to our utmost.