Loss Of Loving Wife - And How To Protect Pets At Home NOW!

[Larry W.]

I can't believe my loving sweet wife D. Lynn passed away Saturday mo(u)rning!  I miss her so much!

But, fortunately, I do still have two wonderful dogs who understand me as well as my wife did.

My concern now is that, when I DO have to leave them alone in the house (to go to drugstore, the .), what happens to them IF, God Forbid, I'm killed in an automobile accident or, worse still, have to go into the hospital with COVID-19?  (I'm 74, have asthma and (marginal) diabetes.) 

I've asked my neighbor if I could call her each time I leave the house (which has only been 6 time since January 6th!), and, then, alert her when I return..I also asked the lady who owns the kennel where we purchased our Lab and she said that she'd be willing to house both dogs while I recovered or, worst case, 'adopt them' if necessary.

DOES anyone know of a service or have any suggestions for how to best handle this situation.  God Bless anyone who's going through what I'm feeling right now. 

[Missy1]

I I’m so sorry for your loss you must be going through some terrible anxiety and fear I think that maybe  your fear is magnified thinking that what if you leave the house and something happened to you. Perhaps leave food and water every time you leave and it’s a good plan to have a friend to check in with. I used to think the same. If  I died who would take our cats. I even thought about rehoming my cats but they are my furry family, I am all alone without my 3 cats. I still think my life would be easier without them. 

I think that if your dogs were that connected to you and your wife perhaps you should wait a while before you make a big decision like giving them up. However maybe if you feel that you are overwhelmed, maybe let the Kennel lady help out till you feel better. No one can really tell you the best option you have to think on it and decide what is best for you and the dogs.

[MODArtemis2019]

Hi Larry, I am so very sorry for your loss. Your dogs are lucky that you have the presence of mind to think of their welfare, even after losing your wife so recently. I also share this concern about my three cats when I leave the house.

Have you considered placing an emergency notification card in your wallet stating the name of a person to be called if you were incapacitated? Then make sure that person has the key to your house, just in case something happens. These cards can be purchased online, or you could make your own. Of course, in the long term, naming a person in your will to care for your dogs is a good way to protect them. That might be too much for you now, just wanted to mention it as an option for the future. 

My cats keep me sane since I lost my husband. I'm glad you have your dogs and I think they will be a huge help for you as you navigate this strange and awful new journey.

Everyone here is on the same journey, so just reach out whenever you need to share feelings and thoughts or ask questions.  

 

 

[Larry W.]

WOW! ... Thank YOU both SO much - for sharing your concerns and offering suggestions! ... The idea of having a card in my wallet is outstanding!  I'll do that right away.  Finally, I DO want to keep my dogs with me as long as I'm able - and, I know that, with time, I will be back to some semblance of sanity and not worry so much about my two best Animal Amigos.  In the interim, I'm developing a workable plan and we'll see how it goes.  Any additional insight and/or tips are greatly welcomed!

[KayC]

I post on Facebook every day, not a lot, but something every morning.  Since I'm widowed and live alone, I've asked my son, who lives 2 1/2 hours away, if at the end of the day he would check and make sure I've posted...he doesn't need to talk to me, just check.  He will have a neighbor check on me if I have not posted.  I also have a neighbor who has agreed to take Kodie (puppy) in should I get Coronavirus, heaven forbid.  She has a fenced back yard, her dog is passed away, and she adores Kodie.  Once she gets a new dog (German Shepherd) this Fall, I may have to find someone else willing in case of an emergency.

I am so sorry for your loss, this seems to me the hardest thing one can go through, as well as losing a child or close pet companion (I lost my dog, Arlie and my 25 year old Kitty just months apart, it like to have killed me.  Reminded me very much of when I lost my husband, George, nearly 15 years ago.)

Since you do have pets that are undoubtedly grieving also, I want to post this article for you...it took my daughter to point out to me when I lost George that our dog was grieving.  I was in a fog.  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html

I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful over the years of my grief journey, some may stand out to you now, some not, some perhaps later on in your journey but I hope you find something helpful to you today.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Larry W.]

Thank YOU, KayC!  I very much appreciate your kind words and thoughts.  In the past, due to my wife's seemingly endless (and worsening) health issues, I often wondered how I might react to her sudden passing.  When I discovered that she had suddenly and unexpectedly died in her sleep, I was enveloped in an overwhelming shroud of terror and fear - something I'm still dealing with.  Frankly, in my worst nightmare, I could never imagine this feeling and now I know it only too well. My only hope is that, in time, "this too shall pass."

Thanks to everyone for helping me through this. 

[KayC]

I think fear and anxiety is common in early grief...I was frantic in those early days/months.  It was such a shock!  I didn't know how to do it.  It's been almost 15 years now and somehow I'm doing it.  I can't say how except one day at a time.  I do tire of always being on my own and alone, esp. right now in social isolation.  I could take solitude meted out in doses, but now it's megadose that doesn't end.  Still, "this too shall pass" also applicable to virus times.

[Larry W.]

There are many kind and good thoughts in this thread - I am very grateful for the outpouring.  It inspires me to do better.  I have a very steep hill to climb and, sometimes, I do gain a brief glimpse of the top.  On the other hand, I often feel overwhelmed by the thought that "the issue is in doubt."  Then, I pray that I have enough energy and hope to make it. I will be as tough and resilient as God wants me to be to endure what has become the greatest travail in my life.

[KayC]

Our mindset can be our biggest struggle or our greatest ally.  It sounds like you are doing what you can to have positive focus and that will go a long way in aiding you..  Don't be surprised if you encounter down times, it's not a weakness, it's just part of the journey.  Just keep on keeping on.  We'll be here for you.

[Bill426]

Hi Larry that’s me right now my wife just passed away on the fifth and I have two cats take care of but I have to leave alone and go to different things I tried to go back to work today I just couldn’t do it it’s too soon I am definitely there right now she was my whole world 23 years we were married she was my best friend my soulmate I have a hard time dealing with it



Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com