Extreme guilt and grief after losing my mom

[AshleyD]

I lost my mom 9 days ago to the coronavirus. She was 73 and lived in a nursing home. She died very suddenly and unexpectedly. No one even knew she had the virus until after she passed. She wasn’t in the best health to begin with, so she had been on an oxygen tank for about a year because she had weak lungs from smoking all of her life. I talked to her about two weeks before she died, but I ignored her call the week before she died simply because I just didn’t feel like talking, and now that’s my biggest regret of my life

 

I was adopted and I’m currently living with my adopted parents, my birth mother was the one who passed. She put me up for adoption when I was a baby, but she still stayed in my life and we had a good relationship. I’m feeling extremely guilty because to be quite honest, I wasn’t the best daughter. She lived an hour and a half away in a nursing home and I very rarely visited her, maybe 3 times a year. We talked on the phone once in a while but she was usually the one to call me, and I ignored her calls half the time. I have no reason, other than just not feeling like visiting or calling. When we did spend time together or talk on the phone, it was always good. we would laugh, talk about our day, talk about movies, pets, work, things like that. We never fought. I regret so much not answering her calls or visiting her more, I especially feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not checking up on her these past few weeks with this virus going around, I just honestly thought she was safe where she was. I was so wrong. When I called her, it was too late. She left a voicemail on my phone a few weeks ago saying that she was just checking in, but I didn’t do the same, and it crushes my heart every time listen to it. I truly loved her so deeply even though I was so distant. I kept telling myself over and over that I was “going to step up to the plate” and “try harder to be a better daughter” But I was too late. I thought we had plenty of time left together, but I was wrong. My biggest fear is that she died thinking I didn’t care. I’d give anything to go back and visit her more, answer her calls and call her more, but I can’t. I’m heartbroken and I feel like I deserve to feel this guilt, I should’ve done better. I’m hoping I can one day forgive myself, because I know deep down that she loved me unconditionally and wouldn’t want me feeling so guilty, but right now, I just can’t see myself doing that anytime soon. I’m talking to a new therapist starting tomorrow and I’m hoping she can help me deal with all of these thoughts, feelings And emotions. and hopefully she can help me learn to forgive myself one day. I’m so lucky to have had a mom like her. She was so strong, beautiful, selfless, and loving and she deserved so much better. I’m also very lucky to have such a great support system behind me. my adopted parents are helping me so much and so are my friends. I know I’m going to get through this and that time will heal, I just really needed to get all of this off my chest and know that I’m not alone in this. I’m really hoping this guilt will go away. 

[reader]

Dear Ashley,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss. 

Please know it is only natural to have guilt after the sudden passing of a parent. We all wish so much to go back in time and make different choices. It's very hard. But how could you have known?  Be kind and gentle with yourself during this very raw and sad time. Continue to lean on your adoptive parents and friends. The therapist will be another good support.

Guilt takes time to work through and there will be a lot of ups and downs. The intensity will lessen over time. But always know your mom would not want you to feel that way. 

Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

[LOVINGSON]

Dear Ashley,

I lost my mother on Monday April 20, 2020 due to the corona virus.  Couldn't visit for the last 5 weeks of her life and I found out in phone call from the nursing home.  The night before she died at 8:20 pm she called me,(never called in the evening) and said she was ringing the bell for over an hour and needed help. I explained they were short staffed and someone would come soon and said goodbye and talk to you tomorrow.  I called at 11am the next morning but she did not answer. I feel very quilty I did not call the nursing home after her call and raise hell to check on her.  I never thought that was the last time I would talk to her.