Lost father, feel like I lost mom too

[SW18]

My dad passed away at 41 just a little over a year ago. My mom and I were super close before and we still are, but she is so different and I'm not sure she will ever be close to the same. She got into a relationship 3 months after my dad died and it was to a terrible person. She has just been so out of character, but I do give her grace. I have no idea what she must be feeling losing the love of her life. When he died, she told me out of nowhere that she thinks he cheated on her, and she told me that multiple times. This tarnished my memory of my dad and the relationship her and he had. I hate to say it, but I started to resent her for a moment after that. She is my very best friend. But since his death, it seems she has not even thought about how I must feel. I feel like I take all of her weight and she never really tries to help me with mine. I am really struggling and I wish she would just be alone for just a moment and grieve. She will not be alone and allow herself to grieve and it worries me sick. Right now she is just jumping from relationship to relationship and I'll be honest, it makes me angry. I feel completely alone in my grieving. I don't think she has even thought of how I feel. But I am always worried about her. Always. I stay up late at night every night worrying about her. Praying she doesn't jump back into another awful relationship and praying she will just slow down and allow herself to heal. I've brought some of these things to her attention and she gets so defensive. She is very fragile. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I don't know if I will ever get my mom back. I don't really know the point of this post but I need someone to talk to that's not in the situation. I miss my old life before my dad got sick. 

[reader]

Dear SW18,

I'm sorry for your loss. From everything you have written, its obvious how much you love and care about your mom. And you need her support and attention during this difficult time. It's sad enough to lose one parent but then to feel like you are also losing your mom is very hard. 

I too felt like I couldn't count on my mom to support me after my dad passed. She hated him because they were divorced for over 20 years. She starting acting up and made me feel even more responsible for her.

I don't know if you want to consider reaching out and joining a support group or talking to a grief counselor about what is happening. There are many programs in the community that help people with grief. Sometimes relatives and friends don't know what to say or how to help.

I know you feel responsible for your mom. But know she is an adult and will have to make her own choices. As much as we want to save those we love sometimes we can't. They have to make their own choices and so do we.

I cried an ocean of tears for my dad. I had to go along to bring him flowers. It's been almost four years and there are still days I am so angry about the lack of support from my family.

Keep talking it out and know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.

Take care of yourself. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

[Mark Coz]

Hello SW18,

I am sorry for your losing your father and also having a struggling relation with your mother. You care deeply for her but also want the be acknowlegde and listened to for your own feelings. This is very important and lacking that by someone who is this close to you hurts. Im sorry to hear that. 

The only thing you can do for you mom is, give pointers. Just real subtle.. no long conversations. De it when you feel at peace and no emotions. She will get defensive but then you just react with silence and do your own thing. Its not worth of your energy getting triggered by her emotional imbalance. Make yourself strong first before you can help others. You need your energy for your own grief and healing. If you talk from a place of calmness and stop as soon as she notice distress in her you will slowly give the pointers and hope she catches on to them. But thats something out of your control. 

In the situation that your in, for yourself, what would you wish for more than anything else (within reality)? You have your own struggles too regarding the loss (apart from what you mentioned)

Looking forward to your reaction and i hope this advice help you even 1%.

[SW18]

12 hours ago, Mark Coz said:

Hello SW18,

I am sorry for your losing your father and also having a struggling relation with your mother. You care deeply for her but also want the be acknowlegde and listened to for your own feelings. This is very important and lacking that by someone who is this close to you hurts. Im sorry to hear that. 

The only thing you can do for you mom is, give pointers. Just real subtle.. no long conversations. De it when you feel at peace and no emotions. She will get defensive but then you just react with silence and do your own thing. Its not worth of your energy getting triggered by her emotional imbalance. Make yourself strong first before you can help others. You need your energy for your own grief and healing. If you talk from a place of calmness and stop as soon as she notice distress in her you will slowly give the pointers and hope she catches on to them. But thats something out of your control. 

In the situation that your in, for yourself, what would you wish for more than anything else (within reality)? You have your own struggles too regarding the loss (apart from what you mentioned)

Looking forward to your reaction and i hope this advice help you even 1%.

I really appreciate your response. I think my wishes are really just normalcy within our family again. I hope one day we can get back to that. The pointers thing is a very good piece of advice. I think sometimes I go too far and get carried away and may sound harsh. It is nice to express these feelings and I appreciate you allowing me to do that and listening. 

[SW18]

21 hours ago, reader said:

Dear SW18,

I'm sorry for your loss. From everything you have written, its obvious how much you love and care about your mom. And you need her support and attention during this difficult time. It's sad enough to lose one parent but then to feel like you are also losing your mom is very hard. 

I too felt like I couldn't count on my mom to support me after my dad passed. She hated him because they were divorced for over 20 years. She starting acting up and made me feel even more responsible for her.

I don't know if you want to consider reaching out and joining a support group or talking to a grief counselor about what is happening. There are many programs in the community that help people with grief. Sometimes relatives and friends don't know what to say or how to help.

I know you feel responsible for your mom. But know she is an adult and will have to make her own choices. As much as we want to save those we love sometimes we can't. They have to make their own choices and so do we.

I cried an ocean of tears for my dad. I had to go along to bring him flowers. It's been almost four years and there are still days I am so angry about the lack of support from my family.

Keep talking it out and know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.

Take care of yourself. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

I have thought about a grief counselor. I would like if both myself and my younger brothers could see one. I do feel awkward talking to other family members about my situation. It is nice to come here and be able to talk to people who understand what it feels like. I am sorry about your dad and would be available to talk any time you need to. Take care. 

[reader]

Dear SW18,

I hope you and your brothers are able to talk to a counselor. Try different things and see what feels right.

Thank you for your kindness. I appreciate it so much. 

Take care, wishing you peace.