3 Daughters

[Jim828]

We have eight kids (5 mine, 3 my wife's) and they all live with us. Two weeks ago a car accident took all three of my step-daughters. Since then we've been through a lot. To me, they were daughters. I never let the 'step' relationship matter to me. To me, I lost my babies. The oldest was 11 (Savvy) and the twins were 8 (Nell and Dani). I'm disturbed by our current state. We sent the other five to spend the summer with their mother, so there are no kids in the house right now. We've been sleeping on the couch or at a hotel. I know my wife is still in shock because she can't cry. She's been on another grief website, and we're about to start grief counseling. I cry a lot, but I feel lost. I don't know who or what I am anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I won't be enough for the other kids when they come back. I'm just going in circles doing nothing and I can't stand to be alone for more than an hour. I feel anxious if I try to think more than 24 hours into the future. I'm not getting anything done. We have lots of friends and family that want to help, but I don't even know what to ask from them. I feel like nothing. My body feels no wants or needs, my mind feels no wants or needs, my heart feels no wants or needs, my soul feels no wants or needs. I want to be there for my wife, but I don't know what to give her because she describes her feelings the same as mine. I'd really like to hear whether others have experienced the same and what can break me free so I can function again. The thought of others depending on me just has no effect on me now.

[shellyku]

Dewy - As I started to read your post, my mouth just dropped open. How does one even wrap their mind

around something like that? No wonder your wife can't cry...it is too huge to comprehend! As for you not

knowing what to tell your family and friends to do for you, well you don't know what you need because you

can't fathom the reality of what has happened. I don't want to sound like I know what you're going through

except to say that I lost my 29 year old daughter to leukemia last August 18. The journey we find ourselves

on is a most difficult one but you have come to the right place. You will meet the most wonderful, understanding

folks on the Loss of an Adult Child link on this website. Even though your daughters were young, that is

where you will find the most interaction with other parents of deceased children, I believe. Please come

to share about your daughters and your feelings (as well as your wife's) as you are ready. There is much

understanding and support there. My prayers are with you and your wife, please accept my heartfelt condolences.

We have eight kids (5 mine, 3 my wife's) and they all live with us. Two weeks ago a car accident took all three of my step-daughters. Since then we've been through a lot. To me, they were daughters. I never let the 'step' relationship matter to me. To me, I lost my babies. The oldest was 11 (Savvy) and the twins were 8 (Nell and Dani). I'm disturbed by our current state. We sent the other five to spend the summer with their mother, so there are no kids in the house right now. We've been sleeping on the couch or at a hotel. I know my wife is still in shock because she can't cry. She's been on another grief website, and we're about to start grief counseling. I cry a lot, but I feel lost. I don't know who or what I am anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I won't be enough for the other kids when they come back. I'm just going in circles doing nothing and I can't stand to be alone for more than an hour. I feel anxious if I try to think more than 24 hours into the future. I'm not getting anything done. We have lots of friends and family that want to help, but I don't even know what to ask from them. I feel like nothing. My body feels no wants or needs, my mind feels no wants or needs, my heart feels no wants or needs, my soul feels no wants or needs. I want to be there for my wife, but I don't know what to give her because she describes her feelings the same as mine. I'd really like to hear whether others have experienced the same and what can break me free so I can function again. The thought of others depending on me just has no effect on me now.

[KellyRyan87]

Dewy, first I am sorry you and your wife are going through such a tragedy. I have suffered the loss of two of my children in a plane crash along with my estranged husband. I was in shock for a long time, like you guys I am sure. She needs to grieve each child and she needs to talk about each one when ever she wants to without guilt that she isn't thinking about the other ones. My faith is what got me through and still does. How is she doing now?

[shorty16]

Dewy - Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. I lost my 16 year old son, Brian in a completely preventable car crash on 6-19-2008 (I cannot even call it an accident). Please be kind to yourself. You and your wife have experienced terrible trama. Your mind and body are in shock. You may also be experiencing physical pain from this grief.

I too could not think for several months. I too did not care if my house was dirty, dinner was made, etc. What did it matter, my son was dead? I am 3 years into this journey and you will not feel like this forever. The first year is just getting used to your "new life." First, I fought this new life, I wanted nothing to do with it. All I wanted was my son back. But after a while, I started to realize that I needed to live again.

As for now, do not expect too much from yourself. Just try to eat, drink, sleep, read and post if you choose. Also, the future will come whether you think about it or not. Just think in the present. Just take care of you and your wife. Be kind to yourself..

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Dewey I cannot imagine the ache and shock and indescribable pain of losing three children. I lost my Girl age 19- 8 years ago and all I can say is try to stay close to this site or others to be connected to others who know the hard steps you will be taking. I am so sorry. I found this place 6 months after we lost Erica, it has been a lifeline andlater bcame a place that I felt I could be useful for new parents that find themselves in this very terrible place. I think that since you are so new on this journey and you have three children to grieve and mourn, I will just tell you that there is nothing fast on this road and as long as you are not hurting yourself or others, there is no wrong way to grieve. If you try ot make sure of your physical health at this time of complete emotional breakdown, you will be better for it. So try to drink plenty of water and juice, try to eat something every few hours, if you took vitamins before this tragedy take them again and if the doctor wants to give you something for sleep, ask that they monitor it closely. Some folks here take meds for depression or anxiety or both, some do not, it all just depends on how you each feel as the days progress. It is too soon to know how you are going to handle things because as you said, you don't know how you feel about anything. I do believe that many of us felt this way as well, all I could answer to questions at first was I don't know or I don't care.

IF neighbors want to help, aske them to make meals and freeze them for a later date when you have the kids back in the house and need to have food prepared. Or ask them to drive you to the store and shop with you so that you have somone to lean on if the ordeal is too much. You could ask folks to help with writing notes to relatives or friends, you could ask the school or the park district to plant three trees as a living memorial to the girls. You could arrange with your neighbors or freinds for rides to and from school for your other 5 kids if those are needed as school is coming up, or even to go school supply shopping for your other children.

I wish you so much but for now, I simply wish you some moments in the day that let you know that you are going to make it.

PEACE ONE DAY,

dee

[luvvanurse]

im so sorry to hear of your loss, i cant imagine. i lost 2 children to different illnesses 4 months apart, i cant imagine it happening at the same time. my heart goes out to you. i am a little over two years into this new life i have been forced to lead, ( they were my only children) it does get tolerable, and you learn to cope. be kind to yourselves.