tired of it all

[trishdishes]

My husband died on Thanksgiving Day 2008. He was the strong one and he made me strong. I have tried so hard to be strong because I know that is what he would expect of me. But I am so tired of trying to be strong. I feel like I am beginning to leak out of the seams from trying to hold it all in. I seem to be so angry and judgemental lately and I HATE THAT in people and don't want to become one of them but I can't seem to stop it. I feel like I have no life and not in a self pitying type of way cuz I do things and go places and see friends ...really more than I ever did but it all feels so drab...like my life has gone form color to black and white. I don't know. I am just so weary of widowhood. But what can I do.....this is my life now and I am tired of trying to be ok with that!!!!

[ModKonnie]

My husband died on Thanksgiving Day 2008. He was the strong one and he made me strong. I have tried so hard to be strong because I know that is what he would expect of me. But I am so tired of trying to be strong. I feel like I am beginning to leak out of the seams from trying to hold it all in. I seem to be so angry and judgemental lately and I HATE THAT in people and don't want to become one of them but I can't seem to stop it. I feel like I have no life and not in a self pitying type of way cuz I do things and go places and see friends ...really more than I ever did but it all feels so drab...like my life has gone form color to black and white. I don't know. I am just so weary of widowhood. But what can I do.....this is my life now and I am tired of trying to be ok with that!!!!

Trish,

If you don't want to be strong, then don't be. If you feel like crying, then cry. It's okay. It sounds as though you are going through depression, and it may be time you involved a professional. Have you talked with your physician about how you feel? What about a grief counselor? Do you have anyone to talk to?

ModKonnie

[trishdishes]

actually I have been seriously considering the idea of a counselor...which in fact led me to this support page. Doesn't it seem like I should be past the depression stage? I know the first year I did a lot of just sitting and not wanting to leave the house. Made myself get out...do things with friends, involved with charities etc. But maybe not enough? and i do have lots of friends ..support etc but think maybe I need someone I can just say all the things I have bottled up to without worrying about burdening or editting with friends. see this is the circular thinking I seem to be stuck in.

[ModKonnie]

actually I have been seriously considering the idea of a counselor...which in fact led me to this support page. Doesn't it seem like I should be past the depression stage? I know the first year I did a lot of just sitting and not wanting to leave the house. Made myself get out...do things with friends, involved with charities etc. But maybe not enough? and i do have lots of friends ..support etc but think maybe I need someone I can just say all the things I have bottled up to without worrying about burdening or editting with friends. see this is the circular thinking I seem to be stuck in.

Well, if you someone how bottled it all up and didn't get all of the grieving out, you may be stuck in the cycle. Also, you may be lonely and feeling left out because everyone else seems to have someone to love. I hope I am not stepping on your toes, but have you thought about attempting to give love another whirl? Or at least a close friendship with another man? For some people, they don't want to have another relationship after their soulmate is gone, but for others, they need the companionship and eventually get the nerve to try again.

I have heard from many many people that it takes about four years to truly start to live and feel totally like yourself again after the loss of a significant other or even after a longterm relationship ends in divorce or a split.

As far as depression--have you had other major changes that are triggering your depression? Menopause? Children moving away? Job or Career loss? Financial worries? Illness? It's tough enough to move forward after such a profound tragedy, but major changes can cause unusual stress that could set you back.

You made a major positive move in the right direction by coming here. Talking about your feelings is certainly an important way to get to understand yourself and what you need to do to continue to move forward. I am so glad you decided to come here. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[trishdishes]

Maybe I am stuck in a phase. I have tried very hard to hold myself together so it makes sense that might be so. It is hard for me to let go. I can cry at sappy commercials but not at my own life. But maybe I can figure out a way to let down this summer while I am off work. Please don't worry about stepping on my toes. I need someone to really be blunt and truthful with me so I can figure this out. I have thought about dating but really don't know if I am ready. My husband was sick for a year so we had time to talk about how I would handle things and he would understand if I started to date. Just not sure I am there yet.

It does make me feel better to know that people say after 4 years it gets better. I think if I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel it would help. It is the thought that the rest of my life will be this empty that I can't seem to come to grips with. I have experienced many deaths ( my brother at 22, both my parents and inlaws) but always found after grieving for a while life went on. The hard thing here is I don't feel I have a life to go on without my husband. I am trying to build a life without him but while I go lots of places and do lots of things ...I feel like I experience everything one step removed...does that make sense or jive with what other people expereince? I guess I just need to know that if I hang in there long enough one day it will get better.

[ModKonnie]

Maybe I am stuck in a phase. I have tried very hard to hold myself together so it makes sense that might be so. It is hard for me to let go. I can cry at sappy commercials but not at my own life. But maybe I can figure out a way to let down this summer while I am off work. Please don't worry about stepping on my toes. I need someone to really be blunt and truthful with me so I can figure this out. I have thought about dating but really don't know if I am ready. My husband was sick for a year so we had time to talk about how I would handle things and he would understand if I started to date. Just not sure I am there yet.

It does make me feel better to know that people say after 4 years it gets better. I think if I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel it would help. It is the thought that the rest of my life will be this empty that I can't seem to come to grips with. I have experienced many deaths ( my brother at 22, both my parents and inlaws) but always found after grieving for a while life went on. The hard thing here is I don't feel I have a life to go on without my husband. I am trying to build a life without him but while I go lots of places and do lots of things ...I feel like I experience everything one step removed...does that make sense or jive with what other people expereince? I guess I just need to know that if I hang in there long enough one day it will get better.

Hi,

I am glad to know it's okay to be blunt. Maybe it's time to take that drastic step and attempt to go out. You won't be alone the rest of your life if you are proactive and begin to live again and look for a relationship built on friendship. As gutsy as this sounds, is there a man in your life that has been waiting and hoping but you haven't even given him a thought?

If your husband and you talked about this in advance, then he knew you well, and must have really loved you enough to let you go on and live your life. Now, try to muster the courage to be brave and bold and take a baby step forward. Is there a church function or group situation you could ask a male companion too?

I've been told it's that first step when you feel terrified, guilty and even more alone and afraid than ever, but once you step forward, you will be okay. I can certainly understand how terrifying it is.

Many people talk about a disconnect--where they feel like they are floating in a life that isn't really theirs and it feels as though everything is happening to someone else while you are simply looking on. I have experienced that myself during extremely stressful periods in my life. Maybe you are experiencing it because while you go places and do lots of things, you aren't interacting and SHARING your experience with anyone special, so that makes you feel alone and left out?

I am simply trying to get you to think deeply and question yourself as to what is going on. Talking things out and/or writing them down helps sort through things.

ModKonnie

[trishdishes]

I appreciate your advice and you have made me really sit and look at my feelings and it has been soooooo very helpful. I am going to call a counselor and I am going to start writing things down. Just venting here has been helpful. I am still unsure about the dating. I see your point and intellectually it makes sense but it also bothers me to think I need a man to make my life full. I do not think that is so. I need my husband to make my life full, but since that is not possible I think for now I need to create my own fullness. I will not close the door to a relationship but not ready to actively seek. I feel for me that is the right decision for now.I read your post before bed last night and laid in bed and really thought, for the first time, about what I want from my life now. That was so helpful. I think I spent so much time missing my husband and trying to get through it that I was a day at a timing and too scared to look at the rest of my life. You made me see it is time to do that now. Thank you!

[trishdishes]

I appreciate your advice and you have made me really sit and look at my feelings and it has been soooooo very helpful. I am going to call a counselor and I am going to start writing things down. Just venting here has been helpful. I am still unsure about the dating. I see your point and intellectually it makes sense but it also bothers me to think I need a man to make my life full. I do not think that is so. I need my husband to make my life full, but since that is not possible I think for now I need to create my own fullness. I will not close the door to a relationship but not ready to actively seek. I feel for me that is the right decision for now.I read your post before bed last night and laid in bed and really thought, for the first time, about what I want from my life now. That was so helpful. I think I spent so much time missing my husband and trying to get through it that I was a day at a timing and too scared to look at the rest of my life. You made me see it is time to do that now. Thank you!