the pain

[liz_aday]

i don't know what to do... he was everything to me. we were never apart. we were playing music and laughing... went to bed to watch our favorite show on DVD.. fell asleep and I woke up to find him on the bathroom floor.... suddenly my whole life is gone. we were going to get married.. we had giant plans. so many projects.. i am in so much pain.. it is terrifying. i keep reading.. and crying.. i am in a fog. now that the funeral is over.. it has slowed down around here.. i am staying with friends and living out of boxes and bags. i have no energy... little interest in anything other than reading my books and writing in my journal.

does anyone know of a book about someone who has gone through this? finding your soul-mate after a sudden, completely unexpected death? i just finished 'i wasn't ready to say goodbye', '90 minutes in heaven', 'heaven is for real' and i am reading one one strokes because there were several days there when i didn't know exactly what killed him. It was a berry aneurysm. I am looking for a book about the kind of grieving when you have sudden loss and... being the one to discover the body. I am haunted with feelings and images i am finding very hard to cope with.

Brian was many things.. Pilot... Artist... Musician... he loved mathematics... science.. astronomy... together we ran a digital media studio where we recorded and performed music (streaming world wide concerts) as well as live stages. Here is what I wrote for the local music community explaining what happened.

http://northwestcoverbandmusiciansgroup.yuku.com/topic/3144/my-Love-my-Light-my-Brian

[ModKonnie]

i don't know what to do... he was everything to me. we were never apart. we were playing music and laughing... went to bed to watch our favorite show on DVD.. fell asleep and I woke up to find him on the bathroom floor.... suddenly my whole life is gone. we were going to get married.. we had giant plans. so many projects.. i am in so much pain.. it is terrifying. i keep reading.. and crying.. i am in a fog. now that the funeral is over.. it has slowed down around here.. i am staying with friends and living out of boxes and bags. i have no energy... little interest in anything other than reading my books and writing in my journal.

does anyone know of a book about someone who has gone through this? finding your soul-mate after a sudden, completely unexpected death? i just finished 'i wasn't ready to say goodbye', '90 minutes in heaven', 'heaven is for real' and i am reading one one strokes because there were several days there when i didn't know exactly what killed him. It was a berry aneurysm. I am looking for a book about the kind of grieving when you have sudden loss and... being the one to discover the body. I am haunted with feelings and images i am finding very hard to cope with.

Brian was many things.. Pilot... Artist... Musician... he loved mathematics... science.. astronomy... together we ran a digital media studio where we recorded and performed music (streaming world wide concerts) as well as live stages. Here is what I wrote for the local music community explaining what happened.

http://northwestcoverbandmusiciansgroup.yuku.com/topic/3144/my-Love-my-Light-my-Brian

Liz,

I am so sorry to hear about your Brian. I'm sure the shock of it all has kept you reeling. There are many people here who have suffered similar experiences, and they will be able to offer your some sage advice. It sounds as though you have a good handle on the reading materials. Talking about it, including in a community such as ours, really helps people to process through their grieving.

Feel free to share the story of Brian's life and your thoughts and emotions about what has happened. We will be here ready to listen.

ModKonnie

[liz_aday]

thank you. it is comforting to hear from someone ModKonnie. i am so low energy today.. it's hard to sit up and type. simple things are a chore.. eating.. brushing my teeth.. i've left a message with a local women's grief support group. i really want to make it through this... Brian was my protector. i depended on him for so much... now he's just gone. i have lots of friends who are looking after me and that's a gigantic blessing. Brian was so loved.. i only wish he knew it in this physical world i am so angry to be stuck in. i keep wishing that it happened in the car on the way to a show .. on the road over the mountains and took us both. but, i had some more enlightened moments recently that seemed to show me that i have a lot of music and art yet to make.. it's the most painful time i've ever experienced and i am so lost. tho i feel almost normal and strong and full of Faith at times... just not the past 2 days. i picked up my guitar and tried to sing yesterday and lost it. it all feels so wrong without him. i've cancelled all my shows for the summer... to give me time to think and heal.. but there are some shows i was hoping to do.... my all girl band has a very high profile show on sunday.. and i just don't think i can do it though i really want to. he use to tech for me for those concerts. it's all wrong now. my friends are at the home we use to share... cleaning and packing... i asked them to bring back his laundry basket.. and i am just holding it and crying into it.. remembering each outfit he wore my last few days with him.. i am just missing him so much.. i don't want to live. i won't do anything stupid... he would be so disappointed..... but, i want to be on the other side with him so badly. i get angry... i feel so crazy. he was the most gentle yet strong, stubborn, intelligent, interesting, educated & fascinating person i've ever met. he was 14 years older than me... i have to admit a bit of a father figure. i've been moping around in his clothes... i just can't imagine ever being happy again. he had the most beautiful, gentle eyes. we laughed so much.. he was hilarious.. and i was really good at making him laugh too which felt like.... well i was proud to make him laugh. he loved me so much. everyone.. i mean everyone tells me that they could see how much he adored me when he'd look at me. i love to hear that and i know its true.. but it makes me a sad that no one is telling me that they could tell how much i adored him the way i looked at him. weird thing to be mad about isn't it? i am not myself. i have no idea who i am. it feels like 2 black holes inside me.... slowly sucking away at what is left of me... in my stomach and my chest. we were really into astronomy together. we were writing a beautiful collection of music about it. he would take me outside with a telescope and show me things. Most recently Jupiter and Saturn. all of our things are in boxes. i am angry at how they were packed.. sloppy.... mixed up... all wrong. not at all how Brian or I would have packed it. I get mad about that too. And i know that i can't get mad.. people are only trying to help. the video from the funeral was botched too... again.. i feel like if only I would have taken charge it wouldn't have happened. i brought the camera.. and tripod.. someone took it from me and set it up.. and captured several minutes before the ceremony started. i asked for someone to please run up there, delete that file, and start over when it began or we might run out of room on the camera. they didn't. the video cut off when my mother started to sing.. The Lords Prayer which is the prayer he taught me to help with my night terrors and insomnia. She sang it so perfectly. The emotion was heart wrenching.. on the verge of losing control but she never did.... she nailed it like the pro she is. it was otherworldly. it is forever seared in my memory like a cool new tattoo. i am so sad and angry that i don't have it in the video. feels like another sucker punch. this is the memorial video i made for the funeral. His mother rather i call it a celebration of life... but i plan on putting on my own celebration of his life myself when i am stronger. his sister picked out the song.

[ModKonnie]

thank you. it is comforting to hear from someone ModKonnie. i am so low energy today.. it's hard to sit up and type. simple things are a chore.. eating.. brushing my teeth.. i've left a message with a local women's grief support group. i really want to make it through this... Brian was my protector. i depended on him for so much... now he's just gone. i have lots of friends who are looking after me and that's a gigantic blessing. Brian was so loved.. i only wish he knew it in this physical world i am so angry to be stuck in. i keep wishing that it happened in the car on the way to a show .. on the road over the mountains and took us both. but, i had some more enlightened moments recently that seemed to show me that i have a lot of music and art yet to make.. it's the most painful time i've ever experienced and i am so lost. tho i feel almost normal and strong and full of Faith at times... just not the past 2 days. i picked up my guitar and tried to sing yesterday and lost it. it all feels so wrong without him. i've cancelled all my shows for the summer... to give me time to think and heal.. but there are some shows i was hoping to do.... my all girl band has a very high profile show on sunday.. and i just don't think i can do it though i really want to. he use to tech for me for those concerts. it's all wrong now. my friends are at the home we use to share... cleaning and packing... i asked them to bring back his laundry basket.. and i am just holding it and crying into it.. remembering each outfit he wore my last few days with him.. i am just missing him so much.. i don't want to live. i won't do anything stupid... he would be so disappointed..... but, i want to be on the other side with him so badly. i get angry... i feel so crazy. he was the most gentle yet strong, stubborn, intelligent, interesting, educated & fascinating person i've ever met. he was 14 years older than me... i have to admit a bit of a father figure. i've been moping around in his clothes... i just can't imagine ever being happy again. he had the most beautiful, gentle eyes. we laughed so much.. he was hilarious.. and i was really good at making him laugh too which felt like.... well i was proud to make him laugh. he loved me so much. everyone.. i mean everyone tells me that they could see how much he adored me when he'd look at me. i love to hear that and i know its true.. but it makes me a sad that no one is telling me that they could tell how much i adored him the way i looked at him. weird thing to be mad about isn't it? i am not myself. i have no idea who i am. it feels like 2 black holes inside me.... slowly sucking away at what is left of me... in my stomach and my chest. we were really into astronomy together. we were writing a beautiful collection of music about it. he would take me outside with a telescope and show me things. Most recently Jupiter and Saturn. all of our things are in boxes. i am angry at how they were packed.. sloppy.... mixed up... all wrong. not at all how Brian or I would have packed it. I get mad about that too. And i know that i can't get mad.. people are only trying to help. the video from the funeral was botched too... again.. i feel like if only I would have taken charge it wouldn't have happened. i brought the camera.. and tripod.. someone took it from me and set it up.. and captured several minutes before the ceremony started. i asked for someone to please run up there, delete that file, and start over when it began or we might run out of room on the camera. they didn't. the video cut off when my mother started to sing.. The Lords Prayer which is the prayer he taught me to help with my night terrors and insomnia. She sang it so perfectly. The emotion was heart wrenching.. on the verge of losing control but she never did.... she nailed it like the pro she is. it was otherworldly. it is forever seared in my memory like a cool new tattoo. i am so sad and angry that i don't have it in the video. feels like another sucker punch. this is the memorial video i made for the funeral. His mother rather i call it a celebration of life... but i plan on putting on my own celebration of his life myself when i am stronger. his sister picked out the song.

What an incredible video. So you are a musician? I am sure it would be hard to perform during such an emotional time. Is there any way to pour your heartbreak into your music, like write or perform a soulful love song in his honor? I bet he was proud of him mom for holding it together. He may not be there physically, but spiritually, he heard it, and he can hear you singing to him, too.

I know everything is a chore at the moment, including breathing at times. But keep moving forward, and eventually you will get to a place where you can remember and smile fondly instead of breaking into hysterical tears. It's going to take a while, but you are strong and you will get there. How long were you together?

ModKonnie

[liz_aday]

thank you ModKonnie reading what you've written here is a comfort. yes i am a musician/writer.. never had a 'straight job'. Brian and I also ran a digital media studio to help supplement the income.

i've had to cancel some really excellent shows... because i am a wreck and without Brian.. it's just wrong. and my heart is broken. trying to play guitar has set me in a tailspin.

my main instrument has been guitar all these years and we shared that together. it is kind of what brought us together. he worked on one of mine... he was a really good guitar tech/doctor. played a lot together.... the other day i plugged a keyboard in and started writing something new. It's dark.. sad.. heartbreaking.. loss... i have to purge these feelings. I am sure a tender love song will come. I did write a few while he was still alive. I never did that for anyone before him.

i really want/need to believe he is out there.. listening. still protecting me.. still loving me... some of my books support that.. some don't. he always told me that energy and matter never disappear. they move, shift... and change. science supports a spirit that lives on. That is what i think anyway.

We were a couple for only 4 years but we were never apart. i knew and admired him for years before that. Only once were we separated when i had a concert in China for one night... and there was a time when he had a day job but I always ached for him to come home.. when he was laid off I was so happy inside even in the face seriously declining income as music/entertainment budget cuts have been crippling me for the past several years... & my royalty checks took a giant blow about the same time the music jobs started to fall apart... ASCAP (American Society of Composers and Publishers) lost a lawsuit DMX filed wanting to pay less for the use of music (they are a piped in music service Digital Music Express.. it's like cable TV for music.) once again devaluing music and the people who create it. Brian and i lived hand to mouth but we loved and laughed so much it felt like we were getting away with something sometimes. The end of the month was always hard tho... he would deal with it with such grace.. but i would be a basket case. It broke his heart. He died during the end of the month struggle. Trying to raise enough for rent. I blamed myself... for being so stressed out. its hard to forgive myself for this. things were tense when he died. its been 2 weeks today.

[ModKonnie]

thank you ModKonnie reading what you've written here is a comfort. yes i am a musician/writer.. never had a 'straight job'. Brian and I also ran a digital media studio to help supplement the income.

i've had to cancel some really excellent shows... because i am a wreck and without Brian.. it's just wrong. and my heart is broken. trying to play guitar has set me in a tailspin.

my main instrument has been guitar all these years and we shared that together. it is kind of what brought us together. he worked on one of mine... he was a really good guitar tech/doctor. played a lot together.... the other day i plugged a keyboard in and started writing something new. It's dark.. sad.. heartbreaking.. loss... i have to purge these feelings. I am sure a tender love song will come. I did write a few while he was still alive. I never did that for anyone before him.

i really want/need to believe he is out there.. listening. still protecting me.. still loving me... some of my books support that.. some don't. he always told me that energy and matter never disappear. they move, shift... and change. science supports a spirit that lives on. That is what i think anyway.

We were a couple for only 4 years but we were never apart. i knew and admired him for years before that. Only once were we separated when i had a concert in China for one night... and there was a time when he had a day job but I always ached for him to come home.. when he was laid off I was so happy inside even in the face seriously declining income as music/entertainment budget cuts have been crippling me for the past several years... & my royalty checks took a giant blow about the same time the music jobs started to fall apart... ASCAP (American Society of Composers and Publishers) lost a lawsuit DMX filed wanting to pay less for the use of music (they are a piped in music service Digital Music Express.. it's like cable TV for music.) once again devaluing music and the people who create it. Brian and i lived hand to mouth but we loved and laughed so much it felt like we were getting away with something sometimes. The end of the month was always hard tho... he would deal with it with such grace.. but i would be a basket case. It broke his heart. He died during the end of the month struggle. Trying to raise enough for rent. I blamed myself... for being so stressed out. its hard to forgive myself for this. things were tense when he died. its been 2 weeks today.

Liz,

For years and years my husband and I lived the "hand-to-mouth" existance. He was an artist, and it truly was feast or famine. When our four kids came along, he was forced to get a "real" job to support all of us, but he continued to paint and create on the side. We would sometimes have terribly "tense" times when the money was short. But we both understood that we were letting off steam and things would get better. They always did. I am sure Brian knew how much you loved him no matter how worried you became over the bills.

I am glad you had four wonderful years together; it is sad that you couldn't have more, but in time you will meet on the other side of this dimension's boundaries. We just have no way of knowing why things happen when they do. I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone and that a Higher Authority than myself is in complete and total charge and knows all. I personally believe my father and other loved ones who have gone on to eternal life are still with me in many ways. I talk to my dad and tell him I miss him, and I assume he knows.

I think it's okay to write a song that is dark, haunting and reflective of true, soulful emotions. People need to hear those for their own personal grieving, and if you can give that special gift to people, then hats off to you. What a way to help others who are suffering AND get your own anguish out.

Do you have a particular genre of music that you perform and write or have you created your own personal alternative sound? I know it is beyond tough to perform in public at this moment; I mean, it's only been a blink of an eye really since Brian has been gone. In time, however, you will be able to begin to move forward. For now, just keep breathing and taking things minute by minute and inch by inch.

How are you physically doing? Are you able to eat or drink anything? Do you have any kind of family or friends to lean on and really talk to?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[liz_aday]

<<Liz,For years and years my husband and I lived the "hand-to-mouth" existance. He was an artist, and it truly was feast or famine. When our four kids came along, he was forced to get a "real" job to support all of us, but he continued to paint and create on the side. We would sometimes have terribly "tense" times when the money was short. But we both understood that we were letting off steam and things would get better. They always did. I am sure Brian knew how much you loved him no matter how worried you became over the bills. >>

yes i know it. thank you.. i just really kick myself though. for the wasted energy... especially leading up to the last moments we had.

<<<I am glad you had four wonderful years together; it is sad that you couldn't have more, but in time you will meet on the other side of this dimension's boundaries.>>

i am holding on to this idea with all my might. today is a very hard day. i moved out of our home last night.... said goodbye... it was so hard i didn't want to leave. I wanted to melt into the walls.. into the floors.. and just never leave. so many beautiful memories. so many songs. i hope and pray that the next family who lives in that house has even a fraction of the love, beauty and fun that we shared under that roof.

<<We just have no way of knowing why things happen when they do. I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone and that a Higher Authority than myself is in complete and total charge and knows all. >>>

i go there too for comfort. i talk to Brian all the time.. i say good morning and goodnight to him each day... i look forward to seeing him again.

<<I personally believe my father and other loved ones who have gone on to eternal life are still with me in many ways. I talk to my dad and tell him I miss him, and I assume he knows. >>

i can't stop saying that. i miss him. i miss his body... his flesh in this world with me. i miss our life.

<<I think it's okay to write a song that is dark, haunting and reflective of true, soulful emotions. People need to hear those for their own personal grieving, and if you can give that special gift to people, then hats off to you. What a way to help others who are suffering AND get your own anguish out. >>

yes.. its coming. i need some time and space. its hard because i am a very private person. i am not in a private place at the moment.. my studio is being assembled in a band house with a bunch of men and its right next to the kitchen. so not how i work.. but i will take what i can get. i am very thankful i still have my tools.. and Brian's tools... The things we worked so hard to collect.

<<Do you have a particular genre of music that you perform and write or have you created your own personal alternative sound? >>

many. whatever pays we did it. but, this is a song that he loved i wrote that house. all of the footage indoors is from our home.

the lyrics have an entirely new meaning to me.. heartbreaking. we were just working on a remix of this song.

as i cleaned i sang songs that were born in each room... as a tribute to our body of work... it helped me to get it out.

i guarded the room he died in.. i cleaned it alone... i laid down where i found him... called out... i went over that room looking for any signs... clues... any shred of him. it was dawn or after when he died i know this now because the light was off.. he shut the door... had a terrible headache... and i think he fainted... falling straight down.. banging his knees on the toilet sending him backwards.. i think there was a seizure... because the way his face was turned to the door... that is what i hope anyway because they say you are not present when that happens. tho i want to talk to the medical examiners still.. i have terror to think he was calling to me and that is why he was facing the door. i can't bear that thought.

<<I know it is beyond tough to perform in public at this moment; I mean, it's only been a blink of an eye really since Brian has been gone. In time, however, you will be able to begin to move forward. For now, just keep breathing and taking things minute by minute and inch by inch. >>

i did do a show on Sunday. it was so hard. but the show was very short and i only sang one song and played guitar for the rest as i am the music director/writer for this band and not the main vocalist. it was pretty powerful. the weather was his favorite kind of day. 'no shadows' he loved the clouds.

<<How are you physically doing? Are you able to eat or drink anything?>>

been taking great care to do this. i am much stronger. i needed to build the strength for the final push of the moving and cleaning. plus... when he died.. inside i wanted to go too... and the way i chose was to just stop eating and drinking and just disappear.. that was a thought i fought for days... it still comes up but not nearly as much.

<<Do you have any kind of family or friends to lean on and really talk to?>>

yes in this respect i am very blessed. very. its getting harder to talk tho lately. i am very depressed.

<<We will be here for you,>>

and i will reach out. thank you ModKonnie