Lost boyfriend of 15 years

[SharonVM]

My boyfriend of 15 years, whom I lived with, passed away unexpectedly on April

29, 2011. I have a 14 year-old, adopted, special needs son. My grief is great

and I suffer second by second. I am hoping that people who are in my situation

will understand what I am going through and that maybe we can help each

other.

I loved my parents dearly and was devastated when I lost them 5 months apart

in 1999, but the suffering that I am going through now with the loss of

Anthony is a million times worse. I never thought that could be. The empty bed

at night is unbearable. The beautiful sunny days only make me think of how we

would be swimming in the pool with our son.....nothing brings me happiness

right now. All of his clothes are still here and his slippers remain where he

left them. I cant believe this is real, but it is.

The only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because of my son. I've

taken a leave from work. I am a state investigator; I'm the one that

investigates allegations of abuse and neglect of children. I have removed many

children from their parents. I just can't do that right now. I have to pay the

mortgage, car payments and everything else on my own so I have no choice but

to go back eventually. But I cant deal with it now. I hope and pray that

somehow I will heal.

Sharon

[ModKonnie]

My boyfriend of 15 years, whom I lived with, passed away unexpectedly on April

29, 2011. I have a 14 year-old, adopted, special needs son. My grief is great

and I suffer second by second. I am hoping that people who are in my situation

will understand what I am going through and that maybe we can help each

other.

I loved my parents dearly and was devastated when I lost them 5 months apart

in 1999, but the suffering that I am going through now with the loss of

Anthony is a million times worse. I never thought that could be. The empty bed

at night is unbearable. The beautiful sunny days only make me think of how we

would be swimming in the pool with our son.....nothing brings me happiness

right now. All of his clothes are still here and his slippers remain where he

left them. I cant believe this is real, but it is.

The only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because of my son. I've

taken a leave from work. I am a state investigator; I'm the one that

investigates allegations of abuse and neglect of children. I have removed many

children from their parents. I just can't do that right now. I have to pay the

mortgage, car payments and everything else on my own so I have no choice but

to go back eventually. But I cant deal with it now. I hope and pray that

somehow I will heal.

Sharon

Sharon,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your soulmate. I am sure the anguish is almost physically painful. I know it sounds like a pat response, but in time, you will begin to be able to breathe and eat and even smile and laugh. It is going to be tough, but you must be tough to do what you do for a living. I am an addictions recovery specialist at a prison; I meet many of the people you must deal with, so I know what a special and caring person you must be.

You will heal. Do you have a support system of any kind? Is there a counselor in your office to talk with? What about a friend or coworker? How is your son doing with all of this?

You can come here to talk, vent, cry and pour your heart out. We will be here for you. When you are ready, tell us about your man; we'd love to hear all about him.

ModKonnie

[SharonVM]

I have support from friends and family. I just dont think they know what I am really going through. My adopted son Daniel has specil needs and thank God does not understand what happened to his father. Dealing with his grief would have been overwhelmimg. I am trying the best I know how to get through this but I don't feel any better. I lost 15 pounds and don't know when I will be able to return to work. I do see a priest once a week and am considering counseling.

Thank you for your letter.

Sharon

[ModKonnie]

I have support from friends and family. I just dont think they know what I am really going through. My adopted son Daniel has specil needs and thank God does not understand what happened to his father. Dealing with his grief would have been overwhelmimg. I am trying the best I know how to get through this but I don't feel any better. I lost 15 pounds and don't know when I will be able to return to work. I do see a priest once a week and am considering counseling.

Thank you for your letter.

Sharon

Sharon,

Grief counseling certainly could help you inch forward in the right direction. I can certainly understand how the stress of your job would make it tough to go back to for awhile. Are you on an emergency leave? How long do you have? Are they being understanding?

I know it's difficult, but perhaps you can try making a list of important tasks to get done, and try to do them one at a time. It may help you refocus a bit. I realize this is so very very difficult, but you can do this. By the way, Daniel is a great name (I have a son named Daniel, too).

Would perhaps reading a book on grieving help? What about a long walk? Have you been writing in your journal? Perhaps writing down your feelings would help, or writing a letter to your love would help you.

Keep breathing, and make sure you are eating. If you are unable to eat, try those liquid nutrition supplements, like Ensure. They help. Being fatigued from a lack of sleep and no energy from not eating makes things feel worse, too.

I am waiting to hear from you,

ModKonnie

[SharonVM]

I am on a family leave. So far they are understanding. I hope they understand when I request an extension. My doctor wants me to stay home until at least September. I have read a lot of books on grieving. Some have helped. I can't bare to write anything down; it will make me cry and I am so tired of crying. I am trying to keep everything out of my mind. I know that isn't good, but for now it is my survival mechanism.

Sharon

[ModKonnie]

I am on a family leave. So far they are understanding. I hope they understand when I request an extension. My doctor wants me to stay home until at least September. I have read a lot of books on grieving. Some have helped. I can't bare to write anything down; it will make me cry and I am so tired of crying. I am trying to keep everything out of my mind. I know that isn't good, but for now it is my survival mechanism.

Sharon

Sharon,

I understand about survival mechanisms. I hope you get an extension on the family leave, too. What about exercise? Does that help at all? How are you filling your days? What are you doing at night? Are you getting out at all--and I mean, like to the mall, library, shopping? Have you tried going out to dinner or a movie with friends? How'd it go?

I know you may want to stay in bed all day or sit and do nothing, but try to get up and move a bit. Have you considered an anti-depressant for a short while? You may want to talk with your doctor to see what she suggests.

ModKonnie

[SharonVM]

The doctor has prescribed medication. I do have friends that stop over to visit me, but I do not want to go out. I am afraid of bursting out in tears in public. It happened at the food store the other day and I had to leave.

[ModKonnie]

The doctor has prescribed medication. I do have friends that stop over to visit me, but I do not want to go out. I am afraid of bursting out in tears in public. It happened at the food store the other day and I had to leave.

Sharon,

It's okay to burst out in tears in public. Most people would certainly understand. Are you getting enough sleep? What about eating? What are you doing with your time? Would exercising while at home be something you'd like to get interested in? It really helps relieve stress and put the mind to ease.

ModKonnie

[SharonVM]

Sharon,

It's okay to burst out in tears in public. Most people would certainly understand. Are you getting enough sleep? What about eating? What are you doing with your time? Would exercising while at home be something you'd like to get interested in? It really helps relieve stress and put the mind to ease.

ModKonnie

I am probably getting too much sleep, but mostly during the day. I do not exercise and dont have the energy or will to do so. I eat once a day, lately twice. My niece is coming from Colorado next month for a week while my so is in camp. I am hoping that helps but know when she leaves it will go back to being the same. I have been reading a lot and trying to keep busy around the house.

Sharon

[btopliff]

I'm new to this group also. My common law husband of 15 years also passed away on Aril 12, 2011 after an 18 month battle with cancer. He had throat cancer and we thought he won that battle only to find out 4 months later he had maxillary sinus cancer. The tumor had wrapped itself around his left optic nerve and he lost his eye and later his hearing on his left side and it eventually went into the brain. It was horrific to watch him. He and I are 54, way to young for this. He was active and alive. Full of life and we were perfect together, like ying and yang. It was such a relief to find your soulmate after a failed marriage. I have an adult son from my previous marriage, but Randy was his father. He does not live here, 3.5 hr. away and I am alone with no family. Lots of friends but no family. The pain is more than I can bare and I have daily crying episodes. No energy or motivation,. I have also lost weight. I feel like the world is spinning around me and I am alone in the middle. I am in a fog most of the time and when friends come around I try to put on a good front. Don't want to scare them off but they really have no idea of the pain.

Hoping each day will be a little brighter or at least I can find a happy moment in it, no matter how brief. Just want you to know you are not alone and keep the faith. Our loved ones are with us in spirit and someone told me you have to look for the ever so slight signs of them. I was crying coming home yesterday from my son/future daughter in law's wedding shower and a rascal flats sone come on that I know what meant for me to hear. It was Randy sending me a message, "you are not alone."

Keep the faith and blessing to you

Becky

[SharonVM]

I'm new to this group also. My common law husband of 15 years also passed away on Aril 12, 2011 after an 18 month battle with cancer. He had throat cancer and we thought he won that battle only to find out 4 months later he had maxillary sinus cancer. The tumor had wrapped itself around his left optic nerve and he lost his eye and later his hearing on his left side and it eventually went into the brain. It was horrific to watch him. He and I are 54, way to young for this. He was active and alive. Full of life and we were perfect together, like ying and yang. It was such a relief to find your soulmate after a failed marriage. I have an adult son from my previous marriage, but Randy was his father. He does not live here, 3.5 hr. away and I am alone with no family. Lots of friends but no family. The pain is more than I can bare and I have daily crying episodes. No energy or motivation,. I have also lost weight. I feel like the world is spinning around me and I am alone in the middle. I am in a fog most of the time and when friends come around I try to put on a good front. Don't want to scare them off but they really have no idea of the pain.

Hoping each day will be a little brighter or at least I can find a happy moment in it, no matter how brief. Just want you to know you are not alone and keep the faith. Our loved ones are with us in spirit and someone told me you have to look for the ever so slight signs of them. I was crying coming home yesterday from my son/future daughter in law's wedding shower and a rascal flats sone come on that I know what meant for me to hear. It was Randy sending me a message, "you are not alone."

Keep the faith and blessing to you

Becky

Becky,

I am 51 and Anthony was 52 when he passed. I still cant believe it! I also feel all alone even if I am surrounded by people. The only sign I might have gotten was the other night. I heard a lound hummingtype noise and looked all over the house for it. I went upstairs and Anthony's paper shredder was going off, but there wasnt any paper in it and that is what activates it. That shredder has been there for years and this had never happened before. It is comforting to know that others like you understand me as I understand you. I hope that there will be a day that I can genuinely smile again.

Sharon