Riding the roller coaster of grief

[carter19]

Hello everyone

I found this forum the other day and it's a comfort to know that I can read through what other's in the same situation are experiencing. My dad died suddenly a month ago and I am finding that I am riding this huge roller coaster at the moment, one day I can deal with everything, talk about him easily, give support to other family members and then the next day is the complete opposite where I could cry when I go grocery shopping and I see the kind of cake I used to buy for him. Is this normal?

Another question, did other people start worrying overly about the remaining parent? My mother has stated that her death isn't that far away now that dad has gone and the thought of this scares the living daylights out of me and I'm 44 years old and I feel like a child who is about to lose everything they love.

I've read enough lately to know that we all grieve differently and in different time frames and if I was totally honest I think I just want to be here in this forum and just to be told that everything will be okay from others that have gone or are going through it.

Thanks.

[ModKonnie]

Hello everyone

I found this forum the other day and it's a comfort to know that I can read through what other's in the same situation are experiencing. My dad died suddenly a month ago and I am finding that I am riding this huge roller coaster at the moment, one day I can deal with everything, talk about him easily, give support to other family members and then the next day is the complete opposite where I could cry when I go grocery shopping and I see the kind of cake I used to buy for him. Is this normal?

Another question, did other people start worrying overly about the remaining parent? My mother has stated that her death isn't that far away now that dad has gone and the thought of this scares the living daylights out of me and I'm 44 years old and I feel like a child who is about to lose everything they love.

I've read enough lately to know that we all grieve differently and in different time frames and if I was totally honest I think I just want to be here in this forum and just to be told that everything will be okay from others that have gone or are going through it.

Thanks.

Hi DMC,

I am very sorry about the loss of your dad. YES, when my dad died in August 2009, I panicked and began to worry about my mother. So did the rest of my brothers and sisters. That feeling has subsided somewhat, although now that I truly understand the anguish of grief, I dread going through it ever again.

Grieving is individual, yet similar in many ways, although people experience the stages of anger, denial, guilt, depression, bargaining and eventually acceptance at different times and in a variety of cycles. You sound as though you are perfectly normal in your grieving process. In time, you will start to heal and the pain will become manageable. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[carter19]

Thanks ModKonnie, before I joined these forums I had actually read many of your replies to other posts and a lot of what you said actually helped me through some really dark days in the beginning of this grieving process so thank you for helping a person that wasn't even a member of the forum then. I too had never experienced the full anguish of grief, even though I work with the elderly and have had residents die. Yes, of course I would grieve when a resident passed away, especially since I became close to them but I never understood the grief of a family member. I never realised that something could hurt so much and affect me mentally as well as physically.

I started writing last night about the day my dad died as my family aren't aware of everything that happened on that awful day and I'm finding that I can't put everything into words, plus some of the details they just don't need to know at the moment. The writing is cathartic for me and maybe one day I'll show them what I've written but my intentions is that one day in the distant future, the younger members of the family can read it, if they want to.

Does bargaining mean bargaining with 'God' to have that loved person back again? If so, I doubt that I will bargain, even if I could have my dad back for a day, there is no way I would want to start this grieving process over again from the beginning, it really hurts way too much.

Oh and thanks for changing my profile for me,

Donna

[carter19]

Tonight the family met to have an early birthday dinner for my mother, tomorrow's her actual birthday but her grandchildren couldn't all make it tomorrow. It was really bitter sweet, everyone sitting around the table but knowing that my dad wasn't there. Mum was really quiet, partially teary for periods of the night, there was no singing of happy birthday at her request and she wants no presents. I did buy her some things but just gave them to her, unwrapped and said that they weren't necessarily birthday gifts. I couldn't overlook my mum's birthday as I don't know how long I will have her with me for. I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow when it's the actual day.

She also realised that my birthday in a few weeks time will be the 8 week anniversary of dad's death, how can we continue 'celebrating' birthdays etc when a person we love isn't here with us? As I've said in another post, I do know that my dad is here in spirit but it's still all too difficult at times.

Dmc44

[kellyk1969]

I am on a roller coaster too, I also lost my dad very suddenly almost 3 weeks ago. The circumstances of his death are very painful for me and my family to handle, he took his own life..he was very sick and in a lot of pain. I am not mad at him for this, I just wish that things worked out differently..I know he is out of pain now and that is all that matters.

I think about him all the time and how he died, I can't get that vision out of my head. I started writing in a journal to my dad everyday, all of my emotions go into this journal and I always end each day writing a happy memory I had with him, it seems to help somehow! I worry about my mother and losing her too. She and I are best friends and I can't imagine life without her. She has been staying with me and my family because she just can't go home right now.

I hope things get better for all of us on this forum..I am so thankful I am able to read what other people are going through, it seems to help knowing I am not alone in my thoughts and my feeling are pretty normal. I wil pray for you that your grieving eases everyday.

Kelly

[carter19]

Thanks Kelly for your reply, it came just at the right time as I am suddenly feeling incredibly lonely even though I can be surrounded by a group of people when it all hits again. I agree, it is good to be able to come to these forums and either vent or read what other's are going through, but also to know that what we are feeling is normal in the grieving process.

My mother had made the comment the other week that without dad she didn't want to live and that even though her children/grandchildren are important to her that she had lost the most important thing and continuing to live was meaningless. Over the last couple of days though she appears to be a bit more positive about life so I really hope this change lasts. I just wish there was so much more I could do to ease her pain but there's not.

I'm sorry on the loss of your father, it's nice that you can understand why he did what he did and I do think it's important that we all remember that our loved ones are now not in pain. The writing is a great idea, I can spend hours writing down my memories of my dad or things that have happened since his death, I always find myself talking to him or asking him for help, plus I say goodnight to him every night.

I'll keep you in my thoughts also, if ever you need someone to vent to when things get tough, then feel free to send me a message.

Donna