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Coping after loss of my mother


carolinesmummy

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carolinesmummy

Hello. I am Heather, 32 years old. Lost my bet friend, my mom on April 4. I am devastated. I guess I need validation that what I am feeling is normal. I have to get this all out. It may be long.

My mother passed after a 2nd relapse of breast cancer with metastasis in the bone and brain. She was ill this time starting in may 09.

She was an only child and lived with my grandmother who is 89. In March I put her on hospice home care after a trip to the er. By march 26 her mental status was so bad. Literally in 2 days she was completely alert and knew me, and then didn't know anything or who I was. I elected to move her to hospice in patient care so we could rest. I put her in on a sat. I didn't go see her the next day. I had to rest, I have a 6 month old. When i returned she had slipped into a coma. She was comatose for a week. I stayed with her almost the whole time. I went to see her on Monday and after talking to her left. She passed 20 minutes after I left.

I am riddled with guilt. I wonder if I should haVe done something else. I had to make medical decisions for her. I feel I should have quit my job to care for her but I couldn't quit my job.

I am now struggling to hold it together for my grandmother who has lost her only child, while holding together for my husband and infant. I hate my job I sometimes hate getting out of bed. I sit at my mothers grave and cry during my lunch break. (Only a few times). I am executor of her estate and hate dealing with all of the financial matters. I go from being ok to panic stricken to guilt then grief....and repeat.

I feel like everyone wants me to just get on with it. I have a brother who lives 45 minutes away. All of the sudden he wants to be involved. He disappeared when mom was ill. I harbor such hate and resentment towards him. My mom wad devastated that he wouldn't ever even call.

I am just so devastated to lose my best friend. I still pick up the phone to call her. How doesthis ever get better.

I cannot stop thinking of my mom laying in hospice and her death rattle sound in her chest or the horrible state of her weight or the fact that she didn't know me.

Thank u for listening.

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Hello. I am Heather, 32 years old. Lost my bet friend, my mom on April 4. I am devastated. I guess I need validation that what I am feeling is normal. I have to get this all out. It may be long.

My mother passed after a 2nd relapse of breast cancer with metastasis in the bone and brain. She was ill this time starting in may 09.

She was an only child and lived with my grandmother who is 89. In March I put her on hospice home care after a trip to the er. By march 26 her mental status was so bad. Literally in 2 days she was completely alert and knew me, and then didn't know anything or who I was. I elected to move her to hospice in patient care so we could rest. I put her in on a sat. I didn't go see her the next day. I had to rest, I have a 6 month old. When i returned she had slipped into a coma. She was comatose for a week. I stayed with her almost the whole time. I went to see her on Monday and after talking to her left. She passed 20 minutes after I left.

I am riddled with guilt. I wonder if I should haVe done something else. I had to make medical decisions for her. I feel I should have quit my job to care for her but I couldn't quit my job.

I am now struggling to hold it together for my grandmother who has lost her only child, while holding together for my husband and infant. I hate my job I sometimes hate getting out of bed. I sit at my mothers grave and cry during my lunch break. (Only a few times). I am executor of her estate and hate dealing with all of the financial matters. I go from being ok to panic stricken to guilt then grief....and repeat.

I feel like everyone wants me to just get on with it. I have a brother who lives 45 minutes away. All of the sudden he wants to be involved. He disappeared when mom was ill. I harbor such hate and resentment towards him. My mom wad devastated that he wouldn't ever even call.

I am just so devastated to lose my best friend. I still pick up the phone to call her. How doesthis ever get better.

I cannot stop thinking of my mom laying in hospice and her death rattle sound in her chest or the horrible state of her weight or the fact that she didn't know me.

Thank u for listening.

Heather,

You did everything correctly, and your feelings are perfectly normal. You made the best decisions for her, and she knew you would--that's why you were left in charge. She had complete faith in you. She knew you couldn't quit your job, either.

When my father died, I couldn't get that horrible memory of that death rattle out of my head either. My dad didn't know me at the end, and when my mother-in-law passed, the same thing happened. Both my father and MIL were in Hospice.

I couldn't think of anything else but seeing that horrible state they were in for the longest time. However, that will change, and you will begin to remember other better and happier things about your mother. It is going to take some time, however.

When my mother's mother (my grandmother) died, all the relatives that had ignored her for years suddenly came snooping around to see what they could get out of her estate. It was tough to deal with, but we got it done. Just hang in there, you are doing a great thing.

It does get better, really. You move forward a little at a time, doing the best you can. And I don't blame you for crying at your mother's gravesite during lunch. It's okay. We understand how you need to do that.

You can come here and talk to us about your mom and your life all you want. We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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carolinesmummy

Thank you for writing. I am sorry for your losses. I called in sick to work today. I spent the day grieving until the Texas weather took over. Hello tornadoes. Maybe this was god or my mom saying enough...get up and get on with it. I truly have not had a minute to grieve. Spent a week in hospice, then mom passed, planned the funeral and back to work next day. Horrible but I had no time since taking maternity leave. I'm not suicidal or thinking crazy but truly need time to cry. I gotta get it out. Thank u.

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Thank you for writing. I am sorry for your losses. I called in sick to work today. I spent the day grieving until the Texas weather took over. Hello tornadoes. Maybe this was god or my mom saying enough...get up and get on with it. I truly have not had a minute to grieve. Spent a week in hospice, then mom passed, planned the funeral and back to work next day. Horrible but I had no time since taking maternity leave. I'm not suicidal or thinking crazy but truly need time to cry. I gotta get it out. Thank u.

Do you have any vacation or sick time saved up? Maybe you do need to ask for a few days off in order to just sit and cry and get it out. You may feel better.

I know about tornadoes. We had a batch come through the other night. Either straight line winds or a small tornado destroyed my entire privacy fence and took the flashing off of my house. Neighbors got it worse; their massive trees came down. It has rained here non-stop and the Ohio River has flooded out of its banks like I've never seen it.

All of this rain certainly doesn't help the gloomy feelings, does it?

I am thinking about you,

ModKonnie

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Hello. I am Heather, 32 years old. Lost my bet friend, my mom on April 4. I am devastated. I guess I need validation that what I am feeling is normal. I have to get this all out. It may be long.

My mother passed after a 2nd relapse of breast cancer with metastasis in the bone and brain. She was ill this time starting in may 09.

She was an only child and lived with my grandmother who is 89. In March I put her on hospice home care after a trip to the er. By march 26 her mental status was so bad. Literally in 2 days she was completely alert and knew me, and then didn't know anything or who I was. I elected to move her to hospice in patient care so we could rest. I put her in on a sat. I didn't go see her the next day. I had to rest, I have a 6 month old. When i returned she had slipped into a coma. She was comatose for a week. I stayed with her almost the whole time. I went to see her on Monday and after talking to her left. She passed 20 minutes after I left.

I am riddled with guilt. I wonder if I should haVe done something else. I had to make medical decisions for her. I feel I should have quit my job to care for her but I couldn't quit my job.

I am now struggling to hold it together for my grandmother who has lost her only child, while holding together for my husband and infant. I hate my job I sometimes hate getting out of bed. I sit at my mothers grave and cry during my lunch break. (Only a few times). I am executor of her estate and hate dealing with all of the financial matters. I go from being ok to panic stricken to guilt then grief....and repeat.

I feel like everyone wants me to just get on with it. I have a brother who lives 45 minutes away. All of the sudden he wants to be involved. He disappeared when mom was ill. I harbor such hate and resentment towards him. My mom wad devastated that he wouldn't ever even call.

I am just so devastated to lose my best friend. I still pick up the phone to call her. How doesthis ever get better.

I cannot stop thinking of my mom laying in hospice and her death rattle sound in her chest or the horrible state of her weight or the fact that she didn't know me.

Thank u for listening.

There's no way you can "get on with it" just three weeks after your mother died! That's unhealthy and impossible. My mother died three years ago and it's still a struggle for me. I could barely breathe and function after three weeks. Anyone who tells you to get on with it after three weeks should not be confided in with your feelings. They obviously have no clue. Find a grief therapy group or individual. Check with your church if you don't know of any in your area or if you can't afford individual counseling. Follow the advice of those who have gone through it or who are educated and trained to deal with this serious, devastating tragedy.

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Reading these forums makes me tear because I know the pain that each of you are having. My mom passed away last September from stomach cancer. She started treatment in November of 09, and everything went well until Spring '10. I remember driving with her to the doctor in April/May to get the results of scan. We sat together in the room waiting for the doctor to come in and she just kept looking at me, and I can see fear in her eyes. I didn't know the extend of her disease until that day, she tried to protect us. As soon as I heard "there is nothing more that we can do" I started crying. I thought the world was falling beneath me. I always tried to be strong because I am her older daughter, but his words just broke my heart.

Gosh, I can write forever. I really don't talk to my sister about all of this since she is younger and I feel she doesn't deserve to carry my pain on her shoulders. My bf has been very supportive but again there is so much one person can handle.

My mom fought this bastard with all she had, but it took a toll on her mid summer. Everything about her changed, her attitude, facial features, body, and more. At the time, the cancer spread to her lymphatic system which caused her body to swell like a balloon. We didn't know this until late summer. She felt so helpless and hated that we had to take care of her. She was the strongest person I know. When something goes wrong, you think of her and her courage and remind yourself other's had/have it worse.

September was and will always be the hardest month for my family and I. She was transfered to a Hospice nearby so my sister and I can go after school and work. We hoped for two weeks or more but she was only there for 5 days. I woke up that day feeling down and the weather was crappy, I had a feeling something was going to happen. I came to the hospice and found my dad sitting beside her. her blood pressure was very low and I just knew what was coming. I gathered all of our family and close friends, told them they should say goodbye. I sat beside her, crying, holding her, and reminding her of the promises I made before and reassured her that I will keep of all of them. The last hour was painful. Each breath took longer and longer, and I just kept thinking please don't be the last one. I kissed her and told her that I loved her and that I would take care of my dad and my sister, she had nothing to worry about. I can't explain to you the pain that I have. I miss her everyday. There is not one day or hour that I don't think about her. Some days I am happy and some days I can cry for hours. Grieve is slow and you need to take it day by day.

I remind myself that she is not suffering anymore and that she is in a better place.

I love you mama and I know that you are with me, watching over us, my beautiful angel.

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