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Is it Normal to want to be with my dead son?


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He was born at 26 weeks 5 days, and only survived 13 days.. It's not fair, all he knew was suffering and that horrible NICU why couldn't I be the one to die? My daughter wouldn't even know I was gone.. she'd have her little brother and her father.. what good can I do as a mother if all I do is wonder why am I the one who lived, and my innocent baby boy died?! I lived my life, why couldn't my son have that chance?! The idea that he's all alone in the Universe, or wherever he maybe, breaks my heart.. He should be with his mother, but what kind of piece of **** mother has these thoughts when I have a beautiful healthy 1 and a half year old baby girl who needs her mommy... But her mommy has a void in her heart that can't be filled, she's the only thing that keeps me going, she's the only reason I'm still here and trying to smile, she's the reason I smile.. but what good am I if I'm just wanting to die? Is that even fair to her? I feel like I'm losing my mind..

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May I ask when your loss happen? I wish I could tell you some magical remedy for getting past the feelings you are having but I would be bluntly deceiving you. I am a mother to two angel babies. My first daughter chloe was born in 2006 and my second daughter in 2012. There isnt a day that goes by that I dont question why me and why I'm here when all I want to do is be with them. I have so much anger and hate inside for what has happen. With that I have a sense of not understanding why. Why did God take my girls,I did everything right. Both of my daughters were perfect in every way and the memories of holding them after birth is what I will have always. The feelings you are having are normal and expected. How I handle my feelings is I've made a goal to make a change. As I'm in my thirtys I have went back to school to work with parents like you and I. I have became involved in organizations for parents dealing with loss. I tell chloe and Olivia's story to help others. There memory is what I have and what I can share. To be able to help someone who knows how you feel while telling them about my girls is my reward. I am here to talk anytime you are having a bad moment or if you just want to tell me about your son. 


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You just choked me up, I'm so sorry for the loss of your girls..

My son passed April 15, 2019.. so it'll be almost a year. It feels like it's getting harder to deal with everyday.. It's usually when I'm all alone, or when my daughter and husband are asleep.. Thats when I think about him and just start sobbing. My husband is not in a place mentally to talk about it as openly as I am, so I sometimes bottle these feelings up.. Thats why I'm here (and thank you again for answering me) 

When you said 'why did god take my girls' that really struck a cord with me, Im in a place where I hate god for what happened to my son and your daughters; and whenever I say that out loud people feel the need to correct me 'Don't you dare blame God' with all due respect to those people shut your ignorant mouth, I wish nobody ever knows what this feels like. I lost pretty much all my friends and family because I was a happy fun loving girl, and having a dead son 'is a bummer' so my hatred for humanity and god grows and grows each and everyday, or the fact that I hate God now, my family pretty much disowned me as "Catholics"..


Thank you for answering me btw, It's nice to talk to someone who understands, I feel very alone with this whole situation. It's bittersweet to know I have someone to speak to.
I'm crying right now re-reading your story that is so heartbreaking. I hope our babies are playing together.


... Does it get any easier with time???..

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