Guilt over Mistakes

[Anna89]

We had to say goodbye to our German Shepherd, Saber, last week. What I am dealing with now is guilt beyond anything I've ever experienced. Thankfully, it's nothing to do with the end of his life. I know we made the right decision to put him down. He had lost the use of his back legs and was going to get more uncomfortable the longer we waited. So I am blessed to have no guilt about how he died, but I absolutely cannot get over mistakes I made during his life. 

Just to explain a bit about him, we adopted him from a rescue almost 3 years ago, when he was around 6 years old. He was such a gentle soul. It took him about 20 minutes to come inside from the garage. He was so timid. He finally came inside, and from that night on I was his person. I remember the first night he was here he jumped up on a couch. I said, "No!" and he immediately jumped off the couch and laid down on the floor. Based on how submissive, and even fearful, his response was, I wondered if he had been abused in a previous home. He was always uncomfortable around raised voices. Even the noise of putting dishes away seemed to scare him. If our other dog started barking at the door, Saber would come up to me for comfort. 

He was so very sensitive to me. If I so much as sighed, he would come across the room to make sure I was OK. I had to really start controlling my emotions during football games! He was also in tune with toddlers and babies. If they cried, he would go check on them and give kisses. 

I say all of that to get to the part that is killing me. There were a few times that I really lost my temper at him. He and our other dog could get hyper together, and I remember 3 times that I absolutely screamed at him. There were probably many other times that I raised my voice, but 3 times I screamed. Once was probably at least 2 years ago and is pretty vague in my memory so I won't recount it here. The most recent time was exactly 1 month before he passed. We were taking down our Christmas tree. We were in the living room, which he was not allowed in. I was stressed about something and he kept trying to come in, probably to make sure I was OK. I got so frustrated that I eventually screamed "SABER!" at the top of my lungs. He immediately laid down right where he was. I believe I went over and comforted him right away, but I cannot remember specifically what I did or how long I pet him. How do I know he was OK after that?

And then the other time, the one that makes me sicker than all the others, happened probably last September. I believe I was trying to get him to sit on his mat, either so I could leash him up for a walk or brush him. He kept getting off his mat and walking around (I believe he was a little hyper at the moment) and I finally lost it. I screamed at him. I don't remember whether I was in his face or not, or how many times or what I said. But what I do remember was that he went over to his mat and vomited. I believe it was from the stress I caused him. His person, who he trusted more than anything else, did that to him. I made Saber so stressed he vomited and I cannot get over that. I think I immediately comforted him and pet him because I felt guilty, but the moment had already happened. 

I know many of us have yelled at our pets. But I do not know anyone who has caused that level of stress to such a sensitive and gentle soul.  

This has left me with two crushing thoughts:

1) Worry that he did not feel safe or loved. My husband has told me that's not the case. That I showed him love in countless other moments and that Saber was a happy dog. He still followed me around the house often. But I can't let go of the pain I caused him in those moments. 

2) That I am an inhuman monster. That if people I knew in real life knew this about me, they would never want to speak to me again and that it's OK I can't feel happy, because I do not deserve to. 

I think I am mostly posting on this website in order to know whether my feelings are valid. 

[KayC]

First I want to welcome you here and tell you I am so sorry for the loss of your dog.  You adopted him from a rescue, you loved him and provided him a good home and cared for him.  I'm sure he, like most dogs, was grateful.  He very well may have been abused in his earlier life.  I adopted a dog, Lucky, who had been severely abused by her owner, then dognapped by someone to get her away from her abuse, he went to prison, other people adopted her and after a year didn't want her anymore.  I took her sight unseen.  Our vet always hoped she'd get over her fearfulness, but she never did, there's some things that had lasting effects that we could not change.

I hope you will rid yourself of the thinking that you are a monster.  First of all, monsters do not care about the outcome of their actions or its effects on their people or animals.  That terms is not applicable to you.  Second, your dog has already forgiven you of anything you think you ever did wrong, that is the lovely quality dogs have, they are so forgiving.  We've all done things we regret, things we wish we'd handled differently.  We wish we had more patience, we wish we didn't get tired or exasperated.  We wish we spoke softer, were more understanding, could see everything and be more astute.  But we're human and humans err.  Please give yourself the gift of forgiveness.  I've heard the advice, and feel it's very wise and sound, to tell yourself what you would tell a friend in the same circumstance.  Would you be harsh with that friend and call them a monster?  I think not!  You would likely remind them of all the wonderful things they did for THEIR "Saber," how happy and loved he was in their home!  Those are the words you need to tell yourself right now.  Sometimes we need to be our own best friend.

And I am haunted by a memory too.  My dog had cancer and I did my level best to keep him eating because I knew when he quit, I'd lose him.  I remember one day pulling him out of his doghouse to come in the house and eat.  I will regret that to my dying day.  I should have left him in his doghouse, he didn't feel good, how would I feel if that's how I was treated if I had cancer?!  He felt security in his doghouse.  I have apologized profusely to him, after it happened, and even now, six months to the day after he passed.  And I know he's forgiven me.  Sometimes we get so focused on something we fail to see what we should be seeing instead.  That is one of those time

Your dog is beautiful!  I'm so glad he got a good home for his latter years.

[Anna89]

KayC, thank you so much for your kind words. They mean more than I can say. Being reminded that we are all human and that we all have things we wish we could have done better is hugely comforting. Those facts may seem obvious, but then I get in cycles where I feel alone. I expect we all have those times. I will be rereading your words a lot, I can already tell.

I’m sorry that you also have a difficult memory with your dog, but it sounds like you were only trying to help him. I’m sure he was immensely loved and that he knew that! Thank you for your kind heart. 

[KayC]

Thank you for YOUR words too!  I will regret not leaving him in peace in his doghouse that morning until the day I die but I've had to forgive myself my shortcomings and I know he knew I loved him with all my heart and I pray he knows I still love him with all my heart and soul.  

I wish you peace and comfort as the days go by...