lost my daughter

[bus1851]

hello,

I am a new member. I lost my 5 month old daughter in a car accident March 17, 2011. My whole world has crumbled. All I think about every minute of every day is my little angel and how much I miss her and want her back or to be with her. My heart is completely broken and I don't think it can ever be healed. All I do is cry. I have 2 other kids an 8 yr old daughter and a 4 yr old son, they keep my spirits up to cope with each passing day. The pain inside has no limit. I sleep a lot because the moment I awake everything is OK and for an instant nothing is wrong. This passes quickly and reality slaps me in the face and the pain returns. The more time that passes the more I hurt. Why was my little girl taken? We are good people that have never caused any harm to anyone or anything. All day every day I tell her i love and miss her but mostly I say I am sorry that her daddy could not protect and save her. I feel like I let her down and in the moment she needed me most I was not there. I am so sorry baby I wish I could trade places with you so you could come back. We had always been the overly cautious parents that did not let their kids out of sight how could this have happened. Everything was going perfectly she was a healthy happy baby and I miss her so much. This is not how our lives was supposed to be, she was our last and most precious baby. If I could only go back to that day and stay home she would be alive with us now. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything that was important before has no meaning. I just want my little girl back. Daddy loves you Marley and I miss you so much. I am sorry I was not there when you needed me, please forgive me. We all love and miss you.

[crystalann]

Hi my name is Crystal

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.You came to the right place everyone here is so full of love for one another. I lost my son Tyler 1/3/11 and I miss him every day..This place is my lifeline.If you read and post on loss of an adult child you will get many responces.There is no age limit there many children younger and older than Tyler.

Again so sorry for your loss. Love to you Crystal

[bus1851]

5 months is not enough time. She had just rolled over the night before and we all were so happy and laughing. Her 1st tooth was coming out. Everything we wanted was just in front of us. It just is not fair. I want more time and memories with my beautiful baby. I am a shell of the person I was supposed to be. I always feel alone even in a crowded room.

[crystalann]

Alone in a crowed room I feel that too.I think being alone is a worse feeling for me.5 mons isnt enough I agree..I am an empty shell too just not as much as in the first few weeks. How is your wife doing? You other kids? Again I am So sorry for your loss Crystal

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Hi Marley's Dad, I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Daughter Marley. It's devastating to go through such a loss. 5 months is so young and definitely not enough time for you and your family to have spent with her. I welcome you to a place, I wish you didn't have to be. You will find a lot of compassionate people and great understanding here. It has helped me tremendously. I loss two adult daughters 9 weeks ago. Losing a child/baby is the hardest thing you will ever go through in your life. You and your family are forever changed. As much as we wish we could go back to our lives before this horrible tragedy happen, we can't. I know everything in your life is upside down right now and it feels impossible to function. In your own time, you will find the strength to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and try to make since of it. Eventually, you will put most of it back together, but you will never be whole again. This road is very bumpy, there will be detours, dead ends and you will be lost at times. It is a journey none of us want to be a part of. We may never know the reasons we are here or why this has happen and it sucks! Just remember there are people that care about you and will help you along the way.

Like Crystal said, come to "loss of an adult child" I know Marley was only 5 months but everyone gathers in one central place. There are Fathers and Mothers of young children that post there. The process of grieving is hard on everyone, regardless of age. When your ready, you will find it helps to talk about Marley, post pictures and tell us about your feelings. Reading what everyone post will also help you realize what your feeling is part of the normal grieving process.

Wishing you and your family peace & comfort tonight, tomorrow and always.

[Brendan's Daddy]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my 7 year old son in December. I am and have been feeling just how you feel. I read your first post and got goose bumps by the similarities in how we are feeling. The pain, sadness, guilt. I am over 4 months into this horrible journey. I lost my son and best friend. Stick with this site. It gives me hope that people out there are able to move forward eventually. At this point I am not sure how, but I am hoping my new friends here show us how to live again. I will miss my son and love him every single day for the rest of my life, but somehow I need to learn to move forward. I know the guilt you feel. Two weeks before my Brendan died he told me that he was afraid to die. I asked him "Brendan, do you think daddy would ever let anything happen to you?". He looked me right in the eyes and said no daddy. Well, two weeks later my son died and I was not even there to help him. He trusted me and I let him down. That is something I live with every day. I am sorry for you pain. I know it all to well. I will be praying for you every night.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[bus1851]

thanks brendansdad.....sorry for your loss. your son looks like a happy fella. he actually looks a lot like my 4yr old son with brown eyes. I keep thinking about my daughter in heaven and how happy she is and this keeps me going knowing one day we will be reunited. i like the tattoos. i have my 1st two kids names on the back of my arms. i had planned to put marleys on one day but now i dont know what to do. i am looking at different memorial tatts but non really feel right. once i get the perfect pic i will add to my arm. our kids are playing in heaven and before we know it we will be together with them again. until that time i need to take care of my other two, they need me now more then ever. maybe one day i will have another child to love as much as marley. tonight my 8yr old has a softball game we are going to. next week for easter we head out of town for a family vacation. maybe this will help ease the pain....i hope, it gets worse day by day. hang in there brendansdad we are still daddys with kids that love and need us.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Thanks for the support marleysdad. You are right, Brendan was such a happy little guy. He was turning into my little man. I still can't believe he is gone. I also know with all my heart that our kids are up in Heaven playing and one day we will all be together again. I am just struggling with the pain of missing him so much. I know it is time for me to be there for my son Jack and my wife. I need to find a way out of this depression and I believe that I will. I want to look at pictures of my son and smile. I want to remember things about Brendan and laugh and be happy. Right now I just look at pictures and breakdown. I am trying to be grateful for the time I had even though it was short I was blessed to have him as my son. I know your time with Marley was way too short as well, but you were blessed to have her. I hope heading out of town for Easter helps you. Hang in there and stay in touch.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[bus1851]

the pain swells inside from the moment i wake up til i somehow fall asleep. today has been pretty rough, i think about my daughter with every breath and movement. i open the fridge or cupboard and see something i used when she was here and loose it. i was looking for medicine to give my son and stumbled across one of Marleys bulb dispensers and broke down sobbing. every moment in time is measured before or after Marley. my son and daughter miss their sister so much. my son who is 4 has been drawing pictures for his little sister and keeps saying he wants her to come back. my 8 yr old daughter does not want to look at pictures because they make her cry. my whole family is hurting so much and i don't know how to stop the pain. i find it hard to breathe at times, i guess anxiety or depression....both suck. i look through pictures and videos constantly and it helps to comfort me after crying awhile. we went to a compassionate friends meeting monday night that was pretty good. the meetings do help for a day or two then i get down again, the cycle just keeps repeating over and over. when will it be over? i miss my little girl, i miss everything about her. i am just a robot pretending to be the person i once was.

[Brendan's Daddy]

I know exactly what you are saying because you and I seem to be living the same life on a day to day basis. I now think of my life as life with Brendan and life without Brendan. I loved my life with Brendan. I think maybe I took that life for granted and it eats at me every day. Life without Brendan is hard and sad. Everywhere I go in my house I see reminders. Toys, drawings, pictures etc. I go out in the garage and see his bike, bike helmet, baseball bag, soccer ball, basketball, his trucks, his little gator, his big wheel. I see my lawn mower and remember how he would sit on my lap every time I cut the lawn. He was actually to the point last summer where he did all the steering. He sat on my lap while I drove, but he did the steering and cut the lawn. He was so proud. Brendan was with me every chance he had. He wanted to be just like his daddy. My 5 year old son Jackson is hurting so bad. He misses his big brother so much and talks about him all the time. He still asks when is Brendan coming home and why does he have to stay in Heaven forever. Brendan was a great big brother who looked after Jackson. It just doesn't seem fair. Now we watch Jackson play trucks by himself. You can just see how lost he is without Brendan.

I know the feeling of Anxiety and depression. I have never been depressed a day in my life until this happened. I never thought I would be the kind of person to be on medication. Last week I finally caved in and went to the doctor. I am now taking an anti-depressant called Lexapro. So far I don't think it has helped much, but the doctor said to give it time. My counselor says if you can't take it, fake it. That is what I feel like I do when I get home. I fake it. Although lately I have not been doing a great job of faking it. I am tired all the time and just want to sleep.

I hope today finds you a little stronger than yesterday.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[momofjon]

Hi Marleysdad~

I lost my 17 year old son in an auto accident in 2005....and I want to tell you that it will get better. It will never be perfect again but it will get better. Everyone copes and recovers in very different ways, I've learned....so I can only speak for myself. Do not blame yourself. This is not a punishment or any reflection of what type of parent you are. You will come to realize that losing a child happens every single day, to all sorts of people and parents. It is random and not any sort of punishment. And we do things and make quick decisions every day that could result in something terrible but it usually doesn't. That's the way life is...every single day. All grieving parents think that if they'd only done something different that day. I was at my parents' home, caring for my terminally ill mother. I came to realize that this could have happened on any random day. If I'd done something different that day, it could have happened on a different day. We cannot lock our children up forever to keep them from harm.

I think that the most significant thing that helped me was totally focusing on my other 2 sons...who were older than Jon but having a great deal of difficulty with grieving themselves. I am so grateful that I had 2 other sons....and think it would have been so much worse for me if he'd been my only child. My middle son was almost suicidal because they had been so close and I was terrified of losing him too. But now, 5-6 years later, they are both doing so well...which consoles me. I even have a new daughter-in-law and another soon to be daughter-in-law and in a way, I feel more complete....because only 2 didn't seem right after I identified with having 3.....now adding new children (through marriage) goes a long way and hopefully new grandchildren soon will help to fill that hole a little bit.

It is so very important to be there and to do all you can for your other 2 children. Initially, it helps to distract you from the constant, intense grief....but over the years, you will feel so good about yourself for having helped your other children so much....and will feel the positive karma. Nothing will ever totally make up for the lost child.....but seeing the happiness and success of the children you spent so much time helping will be unbelievably rewarding. And you will realize that we all get rewarded and also experience bad things in life. It had nothing to do with you as a parent....it was just a random day and could have happened on any one of the prior days. In fact, I had to come to realize that I had no guarantee that I could not possibly lose either of my other 2 sons...just because I had already taken my turn. It doesn't work like that. Bad things happen to good people all the time. In 2005, I just felt like I was the unluckiest person alive and was totally surrounded with bad karma. But today I feel so fortunate and feel surrounded by good karma. Life is meaningful....just helping other family members....especially your other children.

At first I felt some guilt.....that I should be spending more time thinking of Jon and grieving...instead of focusing on my other 2 sons. But I came to realize that no amount of grieving helps to change anything....but to help your other children reaps huge rewards. It is what good karma wants us to do.......to give of ourselves to the ones we still have that actually will change their futures and their lives.

As I said, I can only tell you how it was for me. I now see that the grieving was all about me.....and I am so glad that I decided/chose to devote my time to my other 2 sons. I cannot tell you how rewarding and worth it that it was. I feel like a wonderful mother again. And I know that random bad things could come my way....but know I can now live through them if they do.

dee

[bus1851]

thank you so much for words of hope and encouragement. so sorry for your loss but happy for your successful journey to the NEW life after loss. I know I will get there one day, I just wish it was sooner than later. The pain today is less then yesterday and I feel like I can breathe fully. Had a session with my grief therapist that went well. She gave me some tips to stop dwelling on negative thoughts and focus on positive. All in all she was proud of my progress. I just wish it did not hurt so much all the time. I will focus on my other two kids and stay busy with them as therapy. I will make it and make Marley proud of her daddy. Daddy loves you baby and I miss you very much.

[Brendan's Daddy]

marleysdad,

Thank you for that post. I am glad you are breathing easier today. I wish I could say the same. I truly think the anit-depressant medication is actually making me more depressed. You are right in your post though. I need to focus on my wife and son Jackson and use that as therapy. I need to make my Brendan proud of me. Take care of yourself.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[momofjon]

I'm so glad that your therapist feels you are doing well in terms of the grieving. I totally agree with her regarding not dwelling on negative thoughts. For months after the accident, I kept running this loop in my head....over and over and over....of the car hitting the tree. And kept trying to figure out how, with my mind, I could veer the car off that track. I know it's not logical....but I obsessively kept doing it....thinking I could prevent the accident from happening....if I just caught it at that critical moment. But eventually I came to realize that no amount of replaying it in my head was going to change the outcome. That I was only making things even more miserable for myself.

Now I instantly push it out of my mind if it even ventures to try to get in there. I shove that out...and I shove out any memories of the phone call, of going to the ER, being in the ER, etc. I learned, over time, to stop dwelling on it and that it was okay if I decided to do that.

I've realized that whatever time I have left in my life can be spent feeling negative......or feeling positive. And that the amount of time I spend feeling negative will not change what happened and does not help anyone else in my life. And my other 2 sons mean as much to me as Jon did....and I do care what happens to them for the rest of their lives.

In the beginning, you don't have a whole lot of control over the grief....and just have to allow it to happen. If you happened to notice, I accidentally put the wrong date of the accident in the other post. It was in 2005...not 2006. But just about all of 2005 is literally blocked from my memory....just a hazy cloud of pain. I really can't remember much of what happened after March in 2005. Just bits and pieces. But over time, the intense pain starts to fade....and you find you are not dwelling on it 24/7...and that you have actually enjoyed a thing or two for a few minutes. I don't think a human can take that level of intense emotional pain forever and remain sane.

In the end....our children suffer when we are unhappy and depressed....even though we didn't mean them to. The better we recover, the better they do too. I felt I owed it to my children to try to be the most emotionally available and supportive mom they could have. And eventually positive things come from that....and you can enjoy these events in the lives of your other 2 children....as anything good that happens to any of our children makes us feel good. You can never completely replace the lost child but you can learn to enjoy and to celebrate positive events in the lives of your other children.

You don't have a whole lot of control over how you feel now....and probably won't for some time. But I just wanted to let you know that you can survive this and enjoy life again....as time passes. I remember years ago...a neighbor's child died. And I was struck with fear when I drove past their house. How could I ever survive such a thing happening to me? My worst fear in the whole world. But I did....and you will too.

[bus1851]

missing my little baby very much today. went to cemetery with my son. he asked if she was coming back so he could talk to her. knowing how much my other two kids miss their baby sister breaks my heart. i pray every day for help from God so my kids can get through this unscathed. maybe we can have a miracle tomorrow Easter Sunday? i will keep praying for positive thoughts and peaceful moments. keeping my sweet baby in my mind and remembering good moments that we shared together and with my beloved family. daddy loves you Marley and we miss you so much. Jesus please help my family to heal and give us the strength to cope with the loss of our most precious baby Marley.

[ericasmom]

Sweet Marleysdad, your children cannot get beyond this unscathed and in many ways that is good. they love their beautiful sister, and they need to grieve too. If they seemed to be unscathed I would be worried about them. Your son drawing pictures for Marley is perfect for his age, a good way to grieve. He can leave them at the grave site and maybe take some solace in knowing that he is giving his sister his love in this new way. There is a book called, the next place...something like that, and it talks in generic terms about leaving this place for the next new place, heaven. Your daughter is probably in 2nd grade, I teach third, and she needs to be seeing someone either at school about her loss, or privately and really both would be great. A family therapist might be very important so that the kids are also being evaluated for signs of stress and anxiety. Certainly thoughts that surround fear of going places or nightmares might show up. Read The Worst Loss, written by two Moms who each lost their Child. Well written and gives some good support. I have a little section in my bookcase at school that is for loss, books written for children about loss. Saying goodbye to grandma is one. Uncle Tim is another, and Mama. There are some nonficiton books in the libraries written about and for siblings...might be a good place to start with your daughter. Good luck to you all, the shock of what has happened is huge and when it begins to ware away, you will go through some other phases of grief as will the kids. Hang tight, we are all here.

[bus1851]

We had a balloon memorial for Marley Easter Sunday that was so beautiful. We let them loose right before the egg hunt so all the kids could be envolved and so Marley could have colored balloons to chase inheaven. The whole day I felt sad with tears in my eye but I wanted my other two kids to have a fun day so I put on a good show. I missed her all day. It would have been her first Easter. On the way home we all went to the cemetery to wish her a happy Easter. Daddy loves you baby.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Great idea with the balloons. I am sure Marley enjoyed chasing those colorful balloons. I am impressed by your strength and conviction to be there for your family. I am trying so hard to do the same thing. Our family did a balloon launch for Brendan just before the SuperBowl. Brendan was a huge Packer fan and huge Aaron Rogers fan. We launched along with his friends and some family 7 balloons that were green and gold. It was a cold winter day and those balloons kept going up and up and up. I am not kidding when I say they were so high that we eventually lost sight of them. We could not believe it. One of Brendan's little friends said "Well, I think they are in Heaven with Brendan now". I think he was right. Take care of yourself and your family.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[bus1851]

Just got home from trip to New Orleans with family. We went to the Audubon zoo,aquarium and riverwalk. It was a pleasant trip that gave my mind a rest but I thought about my little angel and all the fun she would have had and all the future vacations she will miss and it really upset me. All the spots we visited were full of kids and parents. I kept seeing my baby Marley in each child that we passed and my mind would wonder what could have been. I miss my baby so much and the pain in my gut grows every day, I just have no idea what to do. Daddy loves you so much Marley and I miss you more every day.

[bus1851]

I had gone to a support group meeting and another member said he hated coming home after a vacation? Now I know what he meant. Driving home I started reliving everything all over again and when I walked through the front door I felt as though the whole tragedy had rewound and started to replay like a bad movie. The pain and anxiety felt so raw and fresh it really scared me realizing how these emotions had no sense of time and how they can bring you back to the worst day of my life instantly. My other two kids had a great time on our trip. They both enjoy going to hotels and always say they want to live at the hotel. I have been talking to Marley like she is still here and pretending to hold a pillow like it is her, I try to see her in her crib or on her mats on the floor. I don't know if this is normal or if I am delusional but my mind is doing it on it's own and I can't stop it. I miss you so much Marley, daddy loves so much baby.

[bus1851]

Today is really turning into a crappy day. All day I have been feeling down walking around telling Marley that I am so sorry and I love and miss her. I cant shake these feelings of guilt and sorrow. Then I realized I did not take my Xanax this morning and that is why I am feeling so low. This worries me because I don't want to get hooked on meds that are supposed to help me. I read everyone's posts and get jealous of members further on in the grief process wishing I could somehow jump forward and bypass all these horrible feelings. The upcoming holidays and birthdays are worrying me. I have had them on my mind constantly and I don't know how to confront them. I feel so weak, helpless with no answers to any problems. Please God help me find the strength to get through these troubled times to be strong for my family here and my Marley in heaven.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hang in there. Everything you are talking about and feeling is completely normal. They are all things that I have felt and said myself at one time or another the past 5 months. My family went to Vegas four weeks after Brendan died. We went because i was standing up in a wedding and the trip had been planned. We thought it would be good to get away so we booked an extra ticket and took Jackson and my mother along with us to Vegas. The trip was ok. Jackson had fun and saw some great things. I completely understand what you mean about coming home. Coming home from Vegas was terrible. We relived everything, all the pain, all that we are missing. Coming home was so hard. We did go to a water park for a few days in March and came home. That was not quite as tough so it does get easier.

I also know exactly how you are feeling regarding not wanted to get hooked on medications. I have been taking an anti anxiety pill since the day Brendan died. It is called Lorazopam. That past 2.5 weeks I have also been taking Lexapro which is an anti depression pill. I feel like the Lexapro is finally starting to work so I am weaning myself off the Lorazopam.

I had two decent days in row Thursday and Friday. Today a little more down. I guess that can be expected. I know now that I can miss Brendan with every breath I take, but I need to learn to live again. I feel like God is starting to give me the strength to slowly start to heal. You are in my prayers each and every night. I pray that God gives you the strength to heal. Always remember we will be with our kids again. Brendan loves babies and I know that just through knowing you that our children know each other in Heaven.

Hang in there

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[bus1851]

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. It is such a blessing to have complete strangers become strong pillars to lean on in troubled times. There is a bond between fathers who have lost a child that gives us the strength to continue even when we think we can't. The funeral for my daughter was mostly for our friends and family to support my wife and I since Marley was only 5 months old. From what I have seen your son was and still remains beloved by many many people and his memory will carry on in their hearts. Only our immediate family even met Marley so I feel jealous of families that had more time together. Every day I feel guilt about not taking more pictures or spending more quality time with Marley because I took for granted that I she would be our little baby at home. After she passed I scrambled to find every picture of her and I only have 52 and of these I only have 2 of her and I together. This haunts me every day and makes me feel like I let my little baby down. For this I apologize to her every day. When the time comes I will make it up to her and when I am ready I will try to spend the rest of my life enjoying every moment to it's fullest.

[shorty16]

Marley's Daddy,

So sorry you have to be here, but here is the place to be if you have lost a child and need help knowing that you can breath again.

My son was 16. Brian decided to climb on the hood of a car and his "friend" decided to drive 68 mph in a 25 mph zone. The driver lost control and took out 3 trees. Brian hit the ground at approx 60 mph. He died almost immediately. The driver and the other passenger (who was also on the hood) walked away from the accident. That terrible place is 1/4 mile from our home.

The driver is now a convicted felon. Sentenced when he was 18 (17 at the time of the accident). My husband and I had struggled with terrible guilt. How could this happen? But after banging my head against the wall for almost 3 years, I have analyzed every second of that night and determined we would not have done anything different knowing what we knew then.

No, we have not talked to the driver or the other passenger. They were Brian's best friends and they abandoned us after the accident. Many, Many people thought the driver should not have been charged, because Brian should never have been on the hood of the car. The State of Wisconsin thought otherwise.

I am sending you love, Marley's Dad. You are so new to this journey. Just standing upright and breathing is all you can expect at this point. But one day, a tiny bit of light will show through, just for a minute. The light will start to become brighter and stay longer. But this takes time.

Guilt - I am the Queen of guilt. Self mutalization, self torment. Please be kind to yourself. You are a good Father or you would not be on this site. We know that.

We are here for you. We know your pain. Yes, we did have a longer time with Brian, but that does not make the pain of lossing him any less. There are many on this site whose kids were older than Brian and they feel as much pain as I do. Age does not matter, the manner of death does not matter. They were a part of us and we have to learn to live again.

Take care, my friend. Post when you can.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[bus1851]

Good morning everyone, so far so good today. All day yesterday smells and certain items kept triggering my brain to be sad. I hope today won't be a replay and I can have a normal kind of Sunday. We will be off to eat crawfish today and swimming so hopefully I will be busy and not be a downer.

Marleysdad

[Annette123]

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. It is such a blessing to have complete strangers become strong pillars to lean on in troubled times. There is a bond between fathers who have lost a child that gives us the strength to continue even when we think we can't. The funeral for my daughter was mostly for our friends and family to support my wife and I since Marley was only 5 months old. From what I have seen your son was and still remains beloved by many many people and his memory will carry on in their hearts. Only our immediate family even met Marley so I feel jealous of families that had more time together. Every day I feel guilt about not taking more pictures or spending more quality time with Marley because I took for granted that I she would be our little baby at home. After she passed I scrambled to find every picture of her and I only have 52 and of these I only have 2 of her and I together. This haunts me every day and makes me feel like I let my little baby down. For this I apologize to her every day. When the time comes I will make it up to her and when I am ready I will try to spend the rest of my life enjoying every moment to it's fullest.

[Annette123]

Dear Marleysdad.

I haven't been on this site for very long, but I wanted to write to you. My beautiful grandson was taken on 19 December 2010. He was 6 years old. He passed very quickly. One day here 2 days later gone. His name was Marley. Your Marley was a girl.

[bus1851]

Annette123,

Yes Marley is a beautiful name for boy or girl. When we named her we did not know anyone with that name but after we saw Marley's everywhere. I think of her every moment of every day. Thank you for the post.

Marleysdad CJ

[Annette123]

Marley has been gone just over 23 weeks. I work as a childminder and this week has been especially hard as Marley would have been with me for some of the holiday from school. It is hard looking after other people's children when my little grandson isn't here. I haven't touched a single thing in his room. It is exactly as he left it. At night, I sleep with the last of his clothes that hadn't been washed. His school uniform and dressing gown. The smell is fading.

I have another grandson, but I was never that close to him. I haven't seen him for nearly 3 months. My daughter doesn't come round, but I can handle this because I can imagine that Marley is with her and not gone. I am not living just surviving. My whole life revolved around Marley and now he is gone, I feel so empty.

I don't have the energy to do anything except work, and visit the cemetery. I don't see a future for me, I am not living just surviving on auto pilot. Doing the things I have to do. Paying the bills and that's about it.

Marley passed very quickly. He had a tummy ache and vomiting. The tummy ache started on Friday evening about 9.30pm. The vomiting Saturday morning. He was gone by Sunday at 6.20 am. The hospital said it was Gastric Pnuematosis. When they went to operate on him, he went into cardiac arrest. They battled for nearly an hour to get his heart started again. It did a few times but stopped.

I miss you so much. I love you Marley.

[shorty16]

Annette

Existing and going through the motions is what we do the first year after the death of our babies. My 16 year old son will be gone 3 years on 6-19-2011 and I am here to tell you that life does get better. But we have to work at it. Happiness does not come running down the stairs to us anymore. We have to find happiness.

You are very new to this journey of grief so please be kind to yourself. The shock is wearing off and reality is slapping you in the face. Exhaustion, physical pain, and emotional breakdowns will be a part of your life for a while, but it does get better.

During the first year, I would start each day and say "I will find one thing today that makes me smile or laugh." I could usually find just one. As time goes on, I found two and then 3. Even though the sadness is with me for the rest of my life, my family and I have learned to live again.

This process of healing is so slow - 3 steps forward 2 steps back. But healing does happen.

Take care my friend, you are not alone in this. We are here to tell you that we can live life again.

Come join us on the Loss of an Adult Child thread. My son was not an adult, but I am accepted without question. All are accepted no matter what age or manner of death. Your grandson has some awesome company in heaven.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever