Loss of my mother and caring for my ill partner

[macnewby04]

I don't usually look to the internet for any help, but right now I'd take advice from anyone on how to deal with the stress of loss and pain. I guess here is the part where I explain my situation and apologize if this comes out fragmented.

I've been caring for my wife for about three years now. She became ill in 2008 and for the longest time we had no idea what was wrong. She's been to at least 20 different doctors and specialists, and the only information that we've received is that she has some sort of thyroid disorder. She has become progressively worse and I have been taking care of her throughout the entire illness, from doing the household chores to cooking to making sure she has company. She was forced to quit her job (which she loved) and has been home since. Recently due to the stress and frustrations of her illness, she has become worried about harming herself. We are both young and I know that a lack of prognosis is killing her. The doctors have no projection of when she may improve, if ever. She's been on several separate medications and nothing helps. She's lost weight and color, and generally has a poor quality of life. I have an intensive and stressfull career which causes me to be working almost constantly and I know this is hard on her, although she wouldn't tell me that. We are in and out of the hospital often. Financially this has been stressfull as well and we've downgraded our lifestyle dramatically and still don't have enough to take care of the bills. This makes my wife feel worthless and like she isn't contrubiting.

Last week I was contacted and told that my mother, whom I'm estranged from, passed away. Long story short, she left my father, sister and I when I was very young for another man. I've had very limited contact with her, until about two years ago when we established an e-mail contact with each other. We spoke up until her new husband passed away. From there, she stopped e-mailing me and did not return my e-mails. I made the trip 1500 miles away (on a credit card, mind you) with my sister to take care of the funeral details. Upon arriving, I found that the life she described to me as hers was not her life in reality. My sister and I ended up footing the funeral bill as there was no life insurance- which we still owe. To make matters worse, her side of the family ransacked her home before we arrived, removing anything of worth and value from the home and draining the only bank account she had. I thought that showing up to take care of the details would give me closure on a relationship that was so fractured. The only thing that it gave me was more anger and resentment.

I was given a copy of the coroner's report that strongly suggests that she ended her life. This information only compounds the issue.

I returned home to take care of my wife and the rest of the estate details and am working closely with the local police where she passed away to take care of some legal issues surrounding her death and missing property. I've had to hire an attorney that I can't afford. I'm behind on all of my bills, with no hope for extra income. I'm paying for my mother's mistakes in death now even more than her mistakes while living. My job is becoming even more stressful. People at work and friends offer their condolences, saying "So sorry about your mom! How did she die? You know, if there's anything we can do..." Although their intentions are good, it's hard to explain that she's my mother, not my mom, and to explain that she ended her life and didn't die from an accident or illness. Furthermore, I have to return to my wife and be the rock that she needs and full of optimism that she may get better soon and that it's okay if she can't work right now. I'm even paying for one of her relative's to stay with us and take care of her when I'm at work so there is further financial stress and the stress of entertaining.

All around, I'm stressed, grieving, angry, helpless, lost and...it's only beginning.

Can anyone offer any advice or help outside of "God has a plan" and "She's in heaven, so everything's ok"?

I definitely woudl appreciate it.

Thanks,

Mac

[ModKonnie]

I don't usually look to the internet for any help, but right now I'd take advice from anyone on how to deal with the stress of loss and pain. I guess here is the part where I explain my situation and apologize if this comes out fragmented.

I've been caring for my wife for about three years now. She became ill in 2008 and for the longest time we had no idea what was wrong. She's been to at least 20 different doctors and specialists, and the only information that we've received is that she has some sort of thyroid disorder. She has become progressively worse and I have been taking care of her throughout the entire illness, from doing the household chores to cooking to making sure she has company. She was forced to quit her job (which she loved) and has been home since. Recently due to the stress and frustrations of her illness, she has become worried about harming herself. We are both young and I know that a lack of prognosis is killing her. The doctors have no projection of when she may improve, if ever. She's been on several separate medications and nothing helps. She's lost weight and color, and generally has a poor quality of life. I have an intensive and stressfull career which causes me to be working almost constantly and I know this is hard on her, although she wouldn't tell me that. We are in and out of the hospital often. Financially this has been stressfull as well and we've downgraded our lifestyle dramatically and still don't have enough to take care of the bills. This makes my wife feel worthless and like she isn't contrubiting.

Last week I was contacted and told that my mother, whom I'm estranged from, passed away. Long story short, she left my father, sister and I when I was very young for another man. I've had very limited contact with her, until about two years ago when we established an e-mail contact with each other. We spoke up until her new husband passed away. From there, she stopped e-mailing me and did not return my e-mails. I made the trip 1500 miles away (on a credit card, mind you) with my sister to take care of the funeral details. Upon arriving, I found that the life she described to me as hers was not her life in reality. My sister and I ended up footing the funeral bill as there was no life insurance- which we still owe. To make matters worse, her side of the family ransacked her home before we arrived, removing anything of worth and value from the home and draining the only bank account she had. I thought that showing up to take care of the details would give me closure on a relationship that was so fractured. The only thing that it gave me was more anger and resentment.

I was given a copy of the coroner's report that strongly suggests that she ended her life. This information only compounds the issue.

I returned home to take care of my wife and the rest of the estate details and am working closely with the local police where she passed away to take care of some legal issues surrounding her death and missing property. I've had to hire an attorney that I can't afford. I'm behind on all of my bills, with no hope for extra income. I'm paying for my mother's mistakes in death now even more than her mistakes while living. My job is becoming even more stressful. People at work and friends offer their condolences, saying "So sorry about your mom! How did she die? You know, if there's anything we can do..." Although their intentions are good, it's hard to explain that she's my mother, not my mom, and to explain that she ended her life and didn't die from an accident or illness. Furthermore, I have to return to my wife and be the rock that she needs and full of optimism that she may get better soon and that it's okay if she can't work right now. I'm even paying for one of her relative's to stay with us and take care of her when I'm at work so there is further financial stress and the stress of entertaining.

All around, I'm stressed, grieving, angry, helpless, lost and...it's only beginning.

Can anyone offer any advice or help outside of "God has a plan" and "She's in heaven, so everything's ok"?

I definitely woudl appreciate it.

Thanks,

Mac

Mac, you certainly have your hands full, and I can see why you have reached your maximum level of stress.

So let me ask you a couple of questions--Okay, I am going to be frank. Why are you paying for a lawyer to look into your mother's estate and passing? Did she really own anything you may recover to help cover the expenses of her funeral and the trip, etc? Is this something you can simply let go and move forward from it?

Also, as far as your wife's illness, how many doctors has she been too? All from the same town? Would the removal of her thyroid help? One of my coworkers battled mysterious ailments for years, and decided a few months ago to get her thyroid removed. She does have to take medicine now, but she says she feels wonderful and better than she has in years. Seriously, if you've only tried one doctor, take her somewhere else for more opinions.

When people ask about your mother's passing, just say something simple and direct, "Thank you, she was ill, or I'm not sure," or "I'd prefer not to discuss this right now." My boss' father committed suicide several years ago. My boss still cannot discuss it. He simply says "My father died suddenly and unexpectedly," and then changes the subject. I know you are grieving. That will take some time to get over. Some anger can be expected.

Financially, you are strapped. Can you afford a trip to a financial planner or adviser? In the meantime, perhaps you should pay the most important bills and try to make arrangements with the others for slower payments.

And how vital is it that your wife needs a helper while you aren't there? Does your insurance provide for home health care? Does your wife qualify for it? Is your wife able to get up to use the restroom by herself? What does she need help with while you are at work?

You sound like a very caring and great person, but remember that you are not superman. If others are around to help, then let them. What about her parents? Sisters?

Does your work offer counseling? If so, go visit a counselor. He/She may have some great advice on how to deal with all this and get back on track financially.

Good luck,

ModKonnie

[macnewby04]

Konnie,

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm a practical thinker and you've asked some practical questions that have helped me to look at my situation from other angles. For clarification, I will answer the questions that you've asked.

1) I am required to file certain paperwork regarding my mother's estate and I cannot be there in person to do it because it is several states away. I need an attorney to submit the paperwork required by probate court. There are two properties she co-owned with her husband which is now co-owned by his son. There are also two vehicles in her name that I cannot locate and I require legal assistance in these areas. I have to attempt to liquidate any assets to be able to pay for the funeral. This will take months but I have to do it.

2) My wife has been to about 20 different doctors and specialists spanning two countries and several states. We've been to some of the best hospitals in the country (i.e. Dartmouth Medical Center, Brigham and Women's, etc). We have looked at traditional medicine, eastern medicine, herbal-only approaches, heavy medications, etc. We've looked at the idea of removing the thyroid but they believe that the thryroid is just one issue of many, most regarding her body's non-existent immunie system. Thyroidectomy is not an option right now. We are continuing to see other specialists and are actually trying all sorts of the newest medicines that are still in "experimental" stage.

3) My insurance, although very good, does not cover at-home care. My wife needs care to eat and fix meals and she has a tendancy to have syncopatic episodes, so she needs someone at home with her if something like this happens. She's had a couple of scary incidents where's she's gotten light-headed and confused, and has needed help in the house. We can't afford at-home care so it's easier to have her grandmother present to help. We live about 1200 miles from the nearest family member on either side of our families(because of my job) and have only lived where we are for about 2 years, so we are still developing a social network.

4) I am now making financial arrangements, but because of my job I am required to be in good standing with all creditors. My financial advisor told me that the only way to make all of our bills is to have another income. I'm debating attempting to sell my wife's car, but I am afraid she will fee isolated without a car for her grandmother to take her out, to the store, coffeeshop, etc. I'm not allowed to have a second job with my career so I'm trying to see where else I can cut corners. I've already nixed cable and internet, downsized my car to a cheap Korean compact car and started couponing. We'll see if this helps.

As for counseling, I took your advice and contacted a counselor (which my insurance should cover! Hurrah!) Hopefully, finding a person that I can talk to without reservation will help me formulate a more positive approach to my situation. I just have to try and keep it a secret from my co-workers (given my profession, any presumption that one may be struggling with stress could damage my career).

Thank you for breaking down everything into certain sections. I feel that it may be easir to manage if I look at certain facets, one at a time. Thank you so much for your concern and guidance. It helps to speak with anonymity.

Mac

[ModKonnie]

Konnie,

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm a practical thinker and you've asked some practical questions that have helped me to look at my situation from other angles. For clarification, I will answer the questions that you've asked.

1) I am required to file certain paperwork regarding my mother's estate and I cannot be there in person to do it because it is several states away. I need an attorney to submit the paperwork required by probate court. There are two properties she co-owned with her husband which is now co-owned by his son. There are also two vehicles in her name that I cannot locate and I require legal assistance in these areas. I have to attempt to liquidate any assets to be able to pay for the funeral. This will take months but I have to do it.

2) My wife has been to about 20 different doctors and specialists spanning two countries and several states. We've been to some of the best hospitals in the country (i.e. Dartmouth Medical Center, Brigham and Women's, etc). We have looked at traditional medicine, eastern medicine, herbal-only approaches, heavy medications, etc. We've looked at the idea of removing the thyroid but they believe that the thryroid is just one issue of many, most regarding her body's non-existent immunie system. Thyroidectomy is not an option right now. We are continuing to see other specialists and are actually trying all sorts of the newest medicines that are still in "experimental" stage.

3) My insurance, although very good, does not cover at-home care. My wife needs care to eat and fix meals and she has a tendancy to have syncopatic episodes, so she needs someone at home with her if something like this happens. She's had a couple of scary incidents where's she's gotten light-headed and confused, and has needed help in the house. We can't afford at-home care so it's easier to have her grandmother present to help. We live about 1200 miles from the nearest family member on either side of our families(because of my job) and have only lived where we are for about 2 years, so we are still developing a social network.

4) I am now making financial arrangements, but because of my job I am required to be in good standing with all creditors. My financial advisor told me that the only way to make all of our bills is to have another income. I'm debating attempting to sell my wife's car, but I am afraid she will fee isolated without a car for her grandmother to take her out, to the store, coffeeshop, etc. I'm not allowed to have a second job with my career so I'm trying to see where else I can cut corners. I've already nixed cable and internet, downsized my car to a cheap Korean compact car and started couponing. We'll see if this helps.

As for counseling, I took your advice and contacted a counselor (which my insurance should cover! Hurrah!) Hopefully, finding a person that I can talk to without reservation will help me formulate a more positive approach to my situation. I just have to try and keep it a secret from my co-workers (given my profession, any presumption that one may be struggling with stress could damage my career).

Thank you for breaking down everything into certain sections. I feel that it may be easir to manage if I look at certain facets, one at a time. Thank you so much for your concern and guidance. It helps to speak with anonymity.

Mac

Mac,

I am glad I was able to help. It sounds as though you are attempting to take positive steps in the right direction. A counselor of some sort will be able to at least get you to thinking about ways to come up with a plan. I want you to know that you are certainly not alone in your struggles. Many people are finding it hard to cope with loss, financial woes and illness.

When I can't take any more problems, I personally hit the gym for a hard core workout. It doesn't solve my problems, but it does relieve my stress, plus I am in good shape for my age--(added bonus)

Keep us informed about how you are doing. I hope you find those vehicles and get the issues with your mother's estate solved soon. I also hope the doctors find some way of figuring out what is wrong with your wife. Is she a candidate for the Mayo Clinic?

ModKonnie

[macnewby04]

Konnie,

Thanks, I will keep an update. Thanks for the encouragement. It helps to know that I'm not the only person going through a rough time and I can draw on the strength of others to keep me going.

And, just to let you know, I do the same thing when I'm stressed- exercise. I'm required to be fit for my profession and I've found that in the 30 mins to an hour I can find to challenge myself physically, I'm not focusing on anything else.

Thanks again, and I will keep you/all posted.

Mac