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Lost my son at 19 weeks


Norma

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I feel so lost. I had a miscarriage on February 07, 2019, a few short months later I found out I was pregnant again with my son Benjamin. I was so happy & so scared. We finally made it to the "safe zone". We were house hunting for a better neighborhood for my son. Received gifts for him at his gender reveal party. Planning our lives with him. The weekend we were supposed to look for furniture for his room, I started having bad cramps then bleeding, we arrived at the hospital praying to God, begging Him that our worst fear was not happening. I was admitted into labor & delivery & was told I would be delivering my son that night at just 19 weeks pregnant. We were heart broken & cried for hours. My son was born at 8:07 the next morning with a beating heart. We got to hold him & kiss him & be with him for a day & a half. I was so happy to see my boy, and so heartbroken at the same time. Our dreams, our future was shattered. Having to hand my son over to the lady from the funeral home was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My sweet Benjamin went home on September 09, 2019 to join his older sibling Baby G. I've never felt so heartbroken & so lost. I wake up wishing God would've just taken me with him. Or praying that He takes me now because I have no interest in living without my beautiful boy. I don't want to live without my baby boy. People have told me I need to "try to move forward" &/or "choose to live"...I have no clue how I would begin to do that when I'm crying, aching to be with my sweet beautiful Benjamin everyday. How am I supposed to "choose to live" without my greatest love...

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Thank you! It's honestly been such a struggle to pray, I prayed hard that I wouldn't lose my first little one Baby G, then again with my son Benjamin, & I lost both my babies. I want to pray but sometimes I don't know what to say other than yell for my babies to be returned to me. It's a struggle but I will continue to try to pray because I miss my babies so much & I know I need God's help to continue.

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