My beautiful boyfriend passed away at the age of 20

[Bri-M]

On July 19 my boyfriend passed away. He was in the hospital Monday- Friday, declared brain dead on that Thursday. His family decided it was best to take him off life support. His family allowed me to be in the room as they took him off life support. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It was very hard and heartbreaking to see his family cry. All 4 years me and him were together I never expected this to happen. I feel so lost. We had our whole future planned out. We got a puppy 4 months ago, he was going to move in with me and my family so we could save up and get our own house next year, there was talk of a proposal and babies. I’ve never thought of a future without him, now I don’t know what to do and don’t know who I am anymore. The days are getting harder and harder, I miss him more and more everyday. This pain is unbearable. 

[KayC]

@Bri-M

I am so sorry for your loss.  It's very hard when their life is cut so short and all of your hopes and dreams along with it.  That's how it was for my husband and me.  You are very fresh in this, it's still so raw, but in time the intensity of pain will lessen.  When my husband died, I didn't see how I could live one week without him, let alone the whole rest of my life.  I soon learned to stay in today, just do today, then get up and do it all over again.  Anything more is too much for us to think about.

I relate to:

22 hours ago, Bri-M said:

don’t know who I am anymore

We are not the same as we were before, how could we be!

I wrote this a few years ago to help those who don't know where to start...it's the things I've found helpful and I hope something will help you today and some things further on down the road.  Be extra patient and understanding of yourself, self-care is so important on this journey.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Rhonda R]

Bri- I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your boyfriend.  There is nothing more devastating than having the person who meant most to you taken from you.  You have to re-learn your life all over.  Overwhelmed is the understatement of a lifetime when it comes to this.  I didn't even know how to begin to put the shattered pieces of my life back together.  I think Kay is right, I still take it day by day.  Back then it was hour by hour.  I didn't want to learn to live my life again without Randy, I had to. I thought I was going crazy.  My emotions were all over the place from moment to moment.   Every day you get out of bed, cry, scream, laugh, breathe, you are healing your heart.  As time goes by, you will have more and more moments of acceptance.  I think that's one of the hardest parts.  I didn't want to be called a widow-what an ugly word anyway.  I still consider myself Randy's wife. I kept asking myself why him?  I even went so far as to go back over my life to see if I was being punished for something.  It's an unanswerable question and one that will leave you banging your head against a wall. 

If you love talking about him, let your friends and family know that.  Talk about him.  When someone says to me, "You know, your husband was...."  I absolutely love the acknowledgement that he is still my husband and that people haven't forgotten that.  Our love, and your love, was not just a moment in time,  It was and will always be.  If your friends and family are trying to be there for you, let them.  You can feel so alone in this just because of the special relationship that you two alone shared.  No one else's feelings of loss about him are the same as yours.  It's important to let them know exactly what it is you need from them.  They may have never been through this before and they don't know what you need.  Sometimes you won't know what you need and that's all so normal.  Let them know you don't know what you need but when you figure it out, you will let them know.  Don't isolate, even though you may want to.  We are all here if you need to vent.  Take care. 

[JES]

@Bri-M  I am so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend and the future you had planned together. Thinking of you.