How do I make myself be “okay” with this?

[Kal1120]

My husband was killed in a car accident last year, the other driver fell asleep. I was pregnant with our first child. It was really terrible. It still is terrible. It will probably always be terrible. 

What is feeling especially terrible now is his family. They don’t speak to me. They don’t ask to see the baby. They want nothing to do with us. They say seeing us is “too painful” for them. I don’t understand this. Why don’t they want to see their only granddaughter? She’s all that’s left of him. I keep pushing thinking I’m doing “the right thing,” when I don’t even know if I truly believe that anymore. I’m always the “understanding” one. You know, the one where people say things like “Katie? She’s always so nice and understanding!” I’m not so sure I feel that way anymore. I guess I’m having an especially hard time lately. I feel like I’ve totally lost myself and it makes me sad. 

[KayC]

I don't think we ever feel okay with this.  But we have to accept it which basically means we know it's happened and we do the best we can to help ourselves get through this...you have a baby so that is a lot to live for, even though life definitely did not go as you'd wanted, this was not the plan!

And it's okay to NOT be the understanding one!  I learned early on that I needed to stand up for myself, since the person who would have is gone now.   I learned to do self-care because I wouldn't survive very well if I didn't.  I needed to make this about me to get through it as best as I could.  I was too busy trying to survive...my husband died, I lost my job, I went through so much in the upcoming years, I'm thankful I learned to take one day at a time or I don't know how I'd have survived.  Getting through the day was challenging enough.  And I learned to look for joy in every day...nothing was "too small" to count!  I needed all the good there was!

We do change, but that's not necessarily bad, it's just different.  How could something of this magnitude NOT change us?!  You've had to find some grit to put you and your baby ahead of small minded people who try to discount you.  You may FEEL it's hard (and it is) but I think you're doing a good job of keeping going for you and your baby.  I hope you give yourself lots of credit.

Hoping today goes better for you...(((hugs)))

[foreverhis]

As far as his family's behavior goes, you do not have to be okay with it!  It is them, their selfishness or short-sightedness or whatever problems they have with the situation.  It is not you or your wonderful child.  Of course you will feel that your little one is missing out on having those experiences.  But ask yourself if it isn't better to have no relationship than a negative one.

You do not have to be understanding or "the good girl" right now, if ever again.  That's something I am still learning about grieving--and I'm 60, for pity's sake!  I've always been the caregiver, the fixer, the understanding one in the family, both growing up and as an adult.  As a wife, it was my choice to be those things for my husband, our daughter, and my baby sister.  Growing up, it was thrust upon me by parents who were good people, but distant in many ways.  My husband, bless him, helped take care of my parents in their later years, even though they had been challenging in-laws, to say the least.

Even now, when it is my grief and my loss, I spent far too much time worrying about how others were feeling and not "bothering" them with my problems.  A year into my grief journey, I am finally starting to say, "You know what?  This really is all about me and my loss." 

So please give yourself a break.  If his family chooses to be distant, then go ahead and separate yourself and your child from them.  Trying and trying is clearly only adding to your grief.  And repeat to yourself:  "It's not us, it's them."

[KayC]

I want to add part of my story to this...my mom had three daughters with her first husband, then she had an affair with his brother & I resulted, they got married a few months before I was born. (They later had two more, one adopted). Their family cut themselves off from us.  My sisters' dad lived up the street from us but never had them to his place.  His new wife & stepdaughter replaced his family.  Never paid child support.  He'd sneak out of church and visit with my dad Sunday mornings, probably had hell to pay with his wife each time.  (when he died my sisters were not notified by the family so they were deprived of attending his funeral or being acknowledged as family). So we never had grandparents aunts & uncles, cousins, come visit except once in a while from my mom's family.  Even my maternal grandmother showed no interest but my grandpa did.  (My paternal grandfather was dead).  We all lived in the same town and didn't know each other.  I got to meet my dad's other brother when I was in high school because I met and befriended my cousin, his daughter.  It was crazy.  I met my paternal grandmother on my 9th birthday, she talked about my cousins, had nothing to do with me, it was hurtful.  She came by with her new husband when I was 16.  My mother ordered me to call her grandmother, I refused.  I called her Mrs. (last name).  She had not earned the right to be my grandmother.  My "grandmother" was the old lady across the street, Mrs. Olson.  I could talk to her, she had me run errands to the store (always giving me some $ for it), and I'd brush her long hair when she was sick.  She took me to church for nine years!  When we couldn't get a ride with someone, she'd call a taxi.  I loved her and when Mr. Olson was in a nursing home, I visited him.  When she got in assisted living, I was grown and living a few blocks away, I visited her too.

Grandparents aren't always those with your blood, sometimes they are those with whom you share a heart.  Maybe that will be the case with your situation too.

[Kal1120]

You both made me feel a little better, thank you for that.  I knew when he died, that things were going to be hard, but I don’t think I realized quite HOW hard things were going to be. I was trying really hard when it happened to focus on being calm and trying to just think about the safety of the baby. I don’t know what has happened recently that has made things so hard again. Maybe because things in my life have sort of calmed a little as of late? I’m just in such despair. I know he wouldn’t want that for me, but I don’t know how to pull myself out either. I was seeing a therapist for awhile, but it was starting to feel like it had kind of “run it’s course” so I stopped. I was okay with stopping though. Now, I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. Like I’m spiraling. It’s not a good feeling. 

[Moment2moment]

Welcome to Planet Grief. There is nothing like it, so don't try to figure it out because as soon as you think you have, well then you haven't. 

As for cold, indifferent, baffling family and friends, don't try to figure them out either. They are what they are and won't change and aren't worth your time and energy. 

Best advice I have is to focus on raising and loving your child and taking care of your own mental and physical health.

Take it one minute at a time and check in here often.

I have not found one person who gets, or even cares to get, what I am going through. Except here.

Some days it is a challenge just to keep on breathing due to this deepening gaping black hole of loneliness.

It is not enough to have lost your other half, your family, your identity, your source of love and support.

Now there is this isolation born out of knowing that no one will ever understand or really care and that this is the way it will be from here on out.

My dog family is my only means at this point to keep me breathing.

I am hoping to get back to a therapist but a good one is hard to find.

Focus on your child and detach from toxic people. 

I keep busy also to keep from losing my mind. Some days that works.

Loving thoughts your way in this horrific time of loss.

Lily Bell

[KayC]

I don't remember how far out you are, your angel date isn't listed on your profile, but it doesn't seem you've been here very long.  I've often heard it said around six months is hard because support dried up, people have gone back to their lives and reality has hit.  That time line can vary though.

Lily Bell gave you some good advice!