It’s been 13 months

[Ben]

It’s been 13 months since my mom died of cancer.  I was in so much denial at the time of her diagnosis and was sure she’d be ok.  I’ve been so angry and sad everyday since we knew for sure she was going to pass away for sure.  

My wife’s father just died 8 months before she did, so we were just getting over that loss and trying to feel normal. 

My 15 year old daughter has become completely withdrawn from me since it happened.  They were very close and I would always ask my mother for parenting advice.  

I travel an hour each way for work, and I would usually call her on my way home to talk and pas the time.  I find myself still thinking I can some days.  

Im drinking to mask the pain, and waking up sad with a hangover just to start the cycle again.  

I really don’t know how I’m going to keep moving forward like this   

 

 

 

[marbeth]

I'd suggest a counselor, especially because of your drinking, but I know that's not the choice for everyone.  Still, if you possibly can, see a therapist or join a support group.  If you have any relatives or friends or coworkers you can talk to, do that too.  If none of those options will work for you, I'd suggest reading through the posts here so you can at least see you're not alone. 

My mom died fifteen months ago and I really thought I'd be doing better by now.  Reading through the posts here, I see that there's no time frame that guarantees the end of the grieving period.  Many of us are still slogging through it and worried that we won't ever get over it.  I wish I could offer better advice but I don't even know what to do about my own feelings!  It does help me, though, to see that others haven't easily moved on because at least I don't feel as if there's something wrong with me.   

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Ben,

I’m so sorry for what you have and are experiencing. I too have stacked grief with losing my mom in the same time line as yours and two brothers before losing her. Counseling has helped me. I still have bad days, but I’ve learned some coping tools by going and it has also helped my teen nephews who have lost their dad and their uncle and grandma so close together. It gives me and them a space to talk freely and and get footing in my grief and losses. It so painful and confusing and if we keep all of it locked in our hearts it can cause health problems. I’ve been seeking out mentors (just people older than me who have had loss and are mothers) and connecting with them has been one of the best things for me. It’s clearly not the same as sharing with and asking our moms for advice, but I’ve found some people have similar qualities as her and it makes me feel better for a little while and I can take their experience/advice if I feel it’s helpful or just listen and empathize with them. It’s good for both sides of the relationships.  I hope you and your daughter can access some local resources and she will become less withdrawn. My best to you. Keep sharing here. Hugs

[reader]

Dear Ben,

I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow. Losing a parent is one of life's hardest things to go through. It is a very raw moment and feels like nothing is real. Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve and there is no defined timeline. One counsellor said it could take 18 months to 10 years.

Know that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. If you want to maybe consider grief counselling with your daughter or joining a support group through church or in the community. I also found these websites very helpful in working through my feelings:

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Thinking of you and your family.