Devastated

[peavineviolet]

I just posted a reply to someone but I’ll start a new thread anyway. My husband of 13 years passed on July 6 of liver disease. I feel like a bomb blew up in my life and I’m looking at all the exploded pieces and don’t know where to start picking them up. We were soulmates for 19 years. He was older - i’m only 47. 

My memory of the last few weeks is utterly fragmented. I know he has been cremated- i know I’ve been working, taking care of wrapping his business up and figuring out how to manage on my now reduced income - I know his family were here and that I’m having issues with some of his grown kids (from a previous marriage). 

I’m scared, fearful, lonely and in so much pain.

 

 

[Scott A]

I'm sorry for your loss, all you're having to deal with.  I hope this site will be of help.  This forum and reading books about grief were the first places I turned after my wife's funeral and the reality really started to settle in.

[peavineviolet]

Thank you. This site has already been wonderful in showing me that I am not alone.

[ccoflove]

Im sorry for your loss. It is like a bomb where you are left to pick up the pieces. You are just beginning a long journey to rebuild your life and the pain is most intense as you try to reconcile the life that was with what is now. I feel the same. Be kind to yourself and take one  moment at a time, you dont have to know all the answers at once. Lean on friends and family if you can and take it easy on yourself. It is overwhelming. It helped me to journal by writing letters to my guy. Grief books and this forum did also help to read others express and understand what i was going through. It is the hardest thing to go through so be gentle and patient with yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. Try to also take small breaks from it as well and go for a walk or clear your head once in a while. The pain and love will always be there for you to return to. 

[KayC]

I'm so sorry.  I read your other post so went looking for your thread...you have found a good place to come to.  You have a lot on your plate right now, it's hard, just when we feel least able to handle everything.  I want you to know you will get through it.  In those early months we usually have grief fog (or brain fog), it's hard to think, hard to focus, and clarity seems to elude us.  After my husband died, I was sitting at the computer working on my budget...I deleted his income and immediately red totals appeared all the way across the bottom.  My daughter was looking over my shoulder and said, "Don't worry, Mom.  God's going to take care of you, he's always taken care of me."  That meant so much to me!  In months following I lost my dream job, it was the start of the recession, I got six months to find another job and for the first time in my life I experienced age discrimination!  I barely got a job in time.  Since George's death I lost my job three times, the second time I spent a year applying to 350 jobs, any of which I could have done, and got none of them.  I got called back to work part time.  A year later my job was done away with.  I took an early retirement.  The same week I found out I needed a new roof.  I could go on and on, but the point being, I've never missed a meal, never been late on a payment.  I have a super tight budget but somehow I've made it work these last 14 years of being on my own.  

I wrote this article about four years ago of the things I'd found helpful.  I hope you'll print it out and re-read it now and then because something may stand out to you down the road that doesn't right now...our journey is ever evolving.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  You have found a good place to be.  We "get it" because we're all going through the devastating loss of our soul mates.  We're in different places on the journey, but we're all in it together.

I read your other post and want to give you one bit of advice.  Please don't try to pick up the pieces and start over.  You will over time learn to live a new life, though an unwelcome one to be sure.  You will likely even be able to pick up some of the pieces of the life you had.  As you do that, which takes most of us years, you should (and will likely need to) take him with you on your journey.  IMO, the best way to learn to live with our grief is to understand that it will be part of us always.  Our loves, their memories and their love for us, need to be embraced, rather than set behind us.  As you move forward, try to think of it as just that:  Moving forward, not starting over.

Society often expects us to "move on" or "get over" this.  Do not let anyone tell you that is what you should do.  There is no "getting over" such a devastating loss and the pain that goes with it.  That doesn't mean that there will not be light and even joy in your life again, just that he will be part of whatever path you take.  Your grief journey is yours alone, regardless of whether someone tries to tell you you're doing it "wrong" or "should/shouldn't" behave or feel a certain way.  Only people who have gone through this can truly understand it.  Even here, I cannot say that "I feel your pain" because our grief is as individual as we are.

What you're feeling now is completely normal, even the complete haze of the past few weeks.  It's that way for most of us.  I think there's even a name for it:  Grief brain.  Your system is completely overwhelmed with all that has happened and may be protecting you from "losing it" completely.

I'm sorry you are having trouble with his adult children.  Unfortunately, that seems all too common.  Just keep breathing as you take things one day, hour, or even minute at a time.  Please take Kay's advice to heart.  She's been so helpful and encouraging for so many of us, including me.  I'm just 1 year into my own grief journey and I can tell you that it's the hardest thing I ever expect to have to do.  But it is just a little easier to live with than it was last July.  I have hints of light and bits of hope.  If you have someone you can really count on, a friend or family member who you know will be there for you, please reach out.  As for others, try to ignore them, including his adult children if it becomes necessary.  Your mental and physical health are more important than anything right now. 

Finances are scary, that's for sure.  Losing my husband's income still scares me, but I've made some changes that allow me to breath easier.  I know I'm luckier than many in that regard because my love had a modicum of life insurance (the most he could get) that allowed me to pay off our small mortgage and have a few repairs and maintenance items done on the house.  But now I'm looking at ways to make what I have go further as I move forward. I think it's normal to have both emotional and practical fears.  I try not to stare too far in the future because that is overwhelming to me.  Instead, I try to deal with today and maybe the near future.  It's as much as I can handle.  I'm 60 and he was 71, so our daughter has been out on her own for years.  I have a small, but tight, circle of family and friends who have been here for me.  In that way, I think I am also very lucky.

Please know that we are here, a caring community of fellow grievers who will listen, help, offer comfort, and give advice when we can.  You are not alone, ever.

[Billie Rae]

@peainviolet
You won't pick up the pieces,this is a whole new life,you will go on with his love in your soul.
My husband left January 16 of a 3 month fight with pancreatic cancer and his death was a blessing compared to the hell he was going through.
While he was sick he told me of the future life He wanted for me and I am trying to live up to what he asked.
He told me that I am a great person And a wonderful wife and he didn't want me to suffer too long in my grief to go and find a new life,it's tough but each day I wake up and think what attitude would Charlie want me to have today.
It doesn't always work but I try for him.
I've had to move from our home and also have gone from 2 good incomes to just mine and I'm still learning how.
I talk with him often and try to think of what he would want.
This is absolutely the hardest thing you will ever do.
Stay here,we understand and get it.
Hugs and a little peace

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@peavineviolet  I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and soulmate.  You are very new in your grief and the feelings and emotions you are having are very normal for this kind of loss. I am at 10 months loss of husband and felt much the way you are feeling. I also had the children ( his from previous marriage) issues. They called and wanted things of his from day 1.  Yet hadnt seen him for years or when they knew he was sick. I was vulnerable and couldnt think straight, caused me added stress. So I told them I needed time.  Am not sure what your going through with them but dont be afraid to say you need time to think clearly ( maybe months) I wasnt being selfish, I just couldnt bear to part with anything of his, is still hard at 10 months.  I have not heard a word from them since so was very glad with my decision.   Small steps...try to take care of you...your emotions will be up and down. Time will help ease some of the deep pain but those first months or longer are very hard. I hope you have good friends for support but know you can come here and talk to those who are all here in different stages of loss. It helped me so much to have others who understood, and gave me alittle hope for the future. Thinking of you. Jeanne

[peavineviolet]

Thank you so much everyone. You are all wonderful people!

[KayC]

One thing I learned through all this is to stand up for myself...maybe because the one who always had was gone.  George died in the hospital...right after he died, his "friends" showed up (they hadn't come to see him when he was alive in the hospital) and said "he told them they could have his car."  Really?!!  I told them "Too bad he 'forgot' he had a car payment!"  What in the hell were they thinking!  His brother said he should have his coin collection for his son...why would George give his coin collection to a nephew he didn't know?!  He has his own kids and a stepson he was close to!  No matter, George had already gotten rid of the coin collection so it was a moot point.  

Point is, people came out of the woodwork after his things.  Yet I, his wife, had hospital, ambulance, doctor bills coming in by the droves!  We owed out $72,000 altogether and I'd been debt free just a few months before, I needed to sell one of the campers and his car to help pay down on it, still it took everything I could get my hands on to pay down the debts and knock it down to $35,000...I lost my job then my car went out.  But these people thought I should give them something?  His brother (who was in prison), I wrote and told him he could have a hospital bill if he wanted something to remember him by.  Never heard from him again.  That was fine by me, he just wanted something for nothing anyway, not like anyone in George's family actually cared about him.  Only three of them showed up for his funeral (out of 9 living kids and a dad, all but one lived within a couple of hours).  

It's so important to stand up for ourselves to these people.  Don't do or promise anything unless/until you're ready!

[Andy]

@KayC

My dear friend, it’s so good to see that you still have that “fire” of independence and certainty that only experience grants us. And it’s so wonderful seeing you still here, helping and guiding both those new and familiar, a saint. 

KayC is correct, the only timeline you need pay much attention to is your own. There are necessities that need more immediate attention, but the personal things are yours and yours alone to deal with as you see fit. It took me nearly a year to settle on a grave marker (ugly term) for my wife. It was my decision, and while I understood why some didn’t understand why it was so difficult for me, it wasn’t necessary for me to explain my feelings. I didn’t truly understand my hesitation, I only knew I wasn’t ready. 

Unbelievable as it sounds, you will find your way. You will do what is best for you and yours, but only as you see fit. Your grief is your own, and no one can grasp what that means. My grief, yours, KayC’s, we all share this deep loss, but we are the only ones, as individuals, who know what we truly feel. Other people may or may not understand that, but in the end, you have to live with you, not anyone else. 

Love always,

Andy 

[KayC]

@Andy  OMG, it's so good to hear from you!  Whenever I hear of Georgia in the news, I wonder how you are.  I hope you're doing well!

[Andy]

28 minutes ago, KayC said:

@Andy  OMG, it's so good to hear from you!  Whenever I hear of Georgia in the news, I wonder how you are.  I hope you're doing well!

I’m good my dear friend! Georgia is pretty dull at the moment, just hot. 

I hope you’re getting on well also! 

[KayC]

Dull is good...means no tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, and in our case, fires.  There's one in a neighboring town, that's concerning!