coming back here because I still find my self lost and not moving on

[yuyu]

hi to all,

its been a year that I haven't post or visited this forum, well I was hoping to catch up with my life and tried to move on, but right now I was back from zero again, depressed and lonely, I also tried relationships but it all failed due to the fact that I still love my wife and I can't throw away the memories and my feelings. sometimes my lonely gets the better of me

[Billie Rae]

Ahh sweetheart,a year is not so long.
No matter how we try it has to run it's own course.Don't try to force it,It will come when it's ready.
Know that we are here for you.Be patient with yourself.
I understand the lonely part so I walk and try to make some human contact and try to learn to enjoy my new found solitude.
Love to you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JoyR]

Sorry for your loss

[Ashleys Mom]

hi to all,
its been a year that I haven't post or visited this forum, well I was hoping to catch up with my life and tried to move on, but right now I was back from zero again, depressed and lonely, I also tried relationships but it all failed due to the fact that I still love my wife and I can't throw away the memories and my feelings. sometimes my lonely gets the better of me

You’re not supposed to ever throw those feelings away. I actually admire that.Most men wouldn’t care and people should understand.


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[Scott A]

I totally understand your feelings of depression and loneliness. It's been 4 months for me and while l can have a good few hours or a good day here and there, at the end of the day I lay down alone and I miss my wife, the life we had and the future we planned.  I think it's ok and perfectly normal to hang on to your feelings and memories.  I know I'll never stop loving my wife and thinking about her. I talk to her daily just so she knows I'm thinking of her and I'll see her again someday.  In the mean time I focus on trying to stay busy, spending time with friends, exploring new hobbies. It does not fill the void, but it's a small step in the right direction that keeps me going. I hope you can find some solace in little pleasures.

[KayC]

Yuyu,

I've often thought of you and wondered how you're doing.  I remember your story well...it's one of the hardest...to be embarking on what you think is the promise of a lifetime, a future, and to have it cut so short is the hardest of all in my way of looking at it.  We didn't get nearly long enough together.  But we had love, a love that will continue to exist the rest of our lives.  We don't forget, we don't "move on", we learn to coexist with our grief.  There's nothing wrong with you wanting another relationship, to not be so alone, but when you find one that is right for you, it will have to be one that accepts that you will always continue to have this love in you, and will understand.  it's hard for some young people to grasp what they've never known, grief on that level.  But I believe there will be someone out there that will get it, someone you will connect with.

I hope, meanwhile, that you can always know your heart is felt here, we care...

[yuyu]

thank you for all your support and time to give your thoughts and advise. very much appreciated. 

[Andy]

I just wanted to add something, if I may. If, in the future, you decide to try another relationship, please remember that in doing so, it, in no way, diminishes what you had with your beloved wife. You’re not leaving her behind, you aren’t betraying your marriage or breaking a vow. She will be a part of you for the rest of your life, the love, memories, all of it, yours forever. She loved you because she found you worth loving. Worth devoting her life to and committing her heart to. It should not come as a surprise that, when/if you’re ready, someone else will feel the same. I’m sure you’d agree your wife had great taste, yes?

 

It’s hard my friend, difficult in so many ways, and my heart goes out to you. Navigating the bleak landscape is nearly impossible in the best of times. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

 

Peace and friendship,

Andy

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

 

[foreverhis]

@yuyu  Hello.  I think KayC said it very well.  We don't move on, ever.  We can find a way to live a new life that includes our loves and our grief.  It's hard and I'm learning that it takes years.  It's been just over a year for me and I've only made tiny steps, each one difficult and painful.  I will never get over the loss of my best friend and soul mate.  That's simply the way it is for people like you and me because we were lucky enough to find that kind of love, which makes the grief of losing it that much harder.  It's especially true for you because you are young and it was so shocking for you.  There's nothing wrong with you, not at all, because you feel you haven't moved on.  It may help if you can let go of that notion and let yourself simply "be" however you are, rather than thinking you "should" feel a certain way.

A few months back, JBSC01 shared a really good TED Talk about this very thing.  I'm reposting the link and ask that you watch it in hopes that it may help give you a different perspective.  When the time is right, you will likely find a new love.  That new love will never, never take the place of your beloved wife.  So she will have to be very special because it takes someone special to understand that loving you will mean accepting and embracing the fact that you will always love your wife.  Let things unfold naturally and your heart will open to the right person.  It's natural that you don't want to spend the rest of your life alone, but it's not something you can "make" happen if you're not truly ready.

Here is the TED Talk link.  She is young like you, which may help you relate to her story and her perspective.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khkJkR-ipfw&feature=youtu.be

I hope very much that you find it helpful.  Always remember that grief finds it's own pace and own path, each of us individually must navigate it.  There is no right or wrong to it; grief simply is a part of us now.

[Rhonda R]

I'm new here and have been without my husband for just over a year.  I joined this because like you, I feel lost without my husband.  foreverhis, your words are very comforting and true.  I'm worried I'm going to feel like this forever.  I have watched that TED Talk many times and found much of it very helpful.  Like yuyu, I'm struggling with the idea that you can be in love with two people at the same time.  How can that be?  Maybe I'm just not far enough along in this to understand that but it goes against every vow we made to each other.  I'm no where near ready to start a new relationship or even try but, it's something I just can't wrap my head around. 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

foreverhis, your words are very comforting and true.  I'm worried I'm going to feel like this forever.

Thank you.  I'm glad I can share how I feel in a way other members here can understand.

You're at just about the same place along the journey as I am.  I feel like it's just the beginning of muddling through and trying to come out of the dark pit at least a little.  I have had moments, hours at a time sometimes, of light and little glimmers of hope.  I know I will never get over or move on or any such nonsense.  What I am trying to do with the help of all of you, along with my very small, but very loyal group of family and friends and my newer "posse" of middle-aged neighbors, is learn to live without my soul mate and with my grief.  A number of years ago, our across the street neighbors had a block party that brought many of us together for more than "Hi, insert-name-here.  How are you?"  Over the past 2 years some of us have gotten closer as real friends.  That has been very helpful because they seem to have banded to together to make sure I don't spend too many days in a row alone at home.  They're not pushy, but they show they care, by checking in, asking if I'd like to go for a walk, and things like that.

But most of the time, it's still me alone missing my love and our life.  I know my life will never be the same, but I am hoping to have more moments of light as I go along.  I don't look too far into the future because that is too painful and it terrifies me.

I've always been of the mind that love never divides, it only multiplies.  It's true that we never love the same way twice.  Yet I think it is possible to have our missing soul mates in our hearts and minds, but still find we can open our hearts to a new love.  I don't believe it diminishes or disrespects that love at all.  But I think it takes a very special person to truly understand and accept that simple fact.  For me at 60, it's a moot point because I am not interested in finding a new love, ever.  That is my choice though.  I hope all of us can open ourselves up to whatever happiness we can find along the dark path we walk now.  Some days it seems impossible things will ever be better.  I know that even if I can say I am happy down the road a pace, I will never be happy in the same way I was.  At least, not until it's my time as I hope so much my love will be waiting for me with and open heart and open arms.  That's one thing that helps be get out of bed and keep going each day.