Feeling depressed...

[deivanai]

This is deivanai from India .Iam just 28 and  my husband passed away suddenly last month due to pulmonary embolism..We have been married for 6 years .. We both had such a beautiful life together ..He is such a simple Man . Always wanted to help people around him .,Loved me a lot and always stay near me .. I had lot of difficult time after marriage with my health  ,Gone through 4 miscarriages and when he is with me I forget everything,He make me laugh even when Iam in hospital .. We both use to sleep together even when I  got admitted in hospital for D&C .. He does everything from washing my dress and even  inner wear .. We both always wanted to have a baby  and we were eagerly waiting for that even after this many miscarries ..We had lot of dreams and always have faith in god .. But his sudden death let me completely shattered .. 

Iam always thinking how he is living without me .. He cannot stay even a day without me .. How God can take him from me 

Iam all the day thinking of him and crying . Getting angry on god .. Why god have to give all the problem only to me .. Even after giving 4 miscarriages  to me still god is not happy,God  wanted to give more pain.. Completely lost faith in God .. 

Unable to live without my husband .. Totally hate my life .....

 

 

[KayC]

@deivanai  I am so sorry...your feelings are normal for what you're going through.  I don't look at it like God "did this to me" but I did feel God was a million miles away after my husband died, it's not something we can make sense of or understand.  Life sure can be unfair.  Miscarriages are a loss too, you've had way too much.  I don't know your beliefs, but I believe we'll be together again, that keeps me going.  We, like you, were always together when not working, so close, it has been hard learning to live alone.  This is all fresh and raw to you, it's been a long time for me.  You've found a good place to come to here, with others that get it.  It's normal to feel depressed with such tremendous loss, how can we not, I struggle with it still.  Trying to take one day at a time, living in today, that helps me.

I wrote this to help others newer to this know what I've found helpful, I know we're all unique, but I hope something in it helps you, if not now, maybe in a few months...
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[JoyR]

On 7/18/2019 at 8:11 AM, deivanai said:

Iam always thinking how he is living without me .. He cannot stay even a day without me .. How God can take him from me 

Iam all the day thinking of him and crying . Getting angry on god .. Why god have to give all the problem only to me .. Even after giving 4 miscarriages  to me still god is not happy,God  wanted to give more pain.. Completely lost faith in God .. 

Unable to live without my husband .. Totally hate my life .....

I'm sorry for your loss and I understand completely how you feel. I've had these emotions as well . It's hard seeing a future without them in it. 

God isn't to blame. I have also felt angry at God. I struggled with all of the same things. Searching for the right answers and all day even now would worry where is he now, if his souls ok, why me we were happy, mad at other couples for being happy while my loved one isn't here with me ,hating I'm still here and he's moved on without me, will we meet again, will he still love me when I leave, are we going to be together same as how we lived because I want the same relationship to continue on, list goes on and on. 

I had Kayc and others on this forum offer words of encouragement and support. It wasn't easy and you have to keep having faith and prayers

You can mourn your loved one as much as you need to and in your own time and you will also heal in your own time. 

There is no limit or deadline for grieving. I've had okay days and horrible days and that's fine. I will pray your heart heals. Also hearing other stories helps to understand your emotions as well and you can speak about it to gather whatever information you want to help you.