Settling In Again

[TAM1]

I moved into my new place on June 6th and though I'm thankful to have found this place for so many reasons, I'm not settling in.  Perhaps it's the many changes of the last few years and being in another strange place, alone - there is nothing familiar to me here. I put up the birdfeeder, put out my plants - all the things that normally are part of "home." I should be happy, but I'm not and I began crying this morning and can't stop.

[KayC]

I'm sorry.  It'll take time for you to feel at home...home is where we are familiar, where we feel safe, secure, comfortable.  Every little thing that you do to make this your home will help but it'll take time for you to process this and let your feelings catch up with everything you've put into it.  Putting out your plants and birdfeeder were a start.  "Should be" happy?  Throw away any "should be"s  you feel how you feel.  We're all behind you and hoping with time it will feel more like home.  All of the things you do to make it home, from your morning coffee to a bubblebath, reading a book there, looking outside and seeing whatever sights/sounds are good, watching the birds come to feed, having friends over, letting yourself lounge around now and then, cooking your favorite meal and settling in to YOUR place with YOUR belongings and ways, these will eventually help.  Whenever we first move it feels foreign to us.  We have associated memories with our old place.  I've lived here 42 years, been through so much here, raised kids, divorce, remarriage, loss of husband and many pets...but it's ever changing...now I am growing old alone here, it is nothing like it once was bursting with childish laugher and excitement.  Now it's me and my dog and he too has a death sentence.

Years ago I lived in another place.  As I left it the last time, I looked around...it was home.  If I were to return to that house now, I would no longer feel home there, it is someone else's and even if nothing had changed (I once visited it and little had changed) it is no longer home.  I have moved on.  A friend of mine lost her husband, she's in her upper 80s and couldn't continue to live in their home...she'd had a peeping Tommilla and that had left her unsettled even with all the memories she had with her late husband there.  She moved into a senior apartment, second floor so no one can peep.  She said she felt at home in her new place, she feels safe there and is surrounded by friends and it's across the street from her church and she has a store across the street the other way.  She has a beautiful view out her window.  It takes time to appreciate the good of a new place, we'll always store memories of that old place in our heart and cherish the memories there, but she's ready to embrace new ones also.

It's complicated, isn't it?

I notice you lost a Golden Retriever, Missy...we often called my daughter Missy (Melissa), my dog Arlie is 1/2 Golden Retriever, 1/2 Siberian Husky.  They're wonderful dogs, aren't they!  I bet you miss her terribly!  I wish life didn't have to march on quite so fast with all it's changes.  Sometimes we like what WAS and wish it could stay!

[TAM1]

Thank you so much KayC and to everyone here. I'll find a way to print your message out as it resonates with me in so many ways.  Before moving in here the property management person extoled the virtues of the solid people who would be living by me, the military guy next to my place, the Patagonia photographer guy living above, and the Coast Guard guy above him.  The military guy is moving out today and this is answer to prayer as he was a partier and sleep and privacy were absent. I somehow felt as if I was not welcome or fit in because there were so many women sunbathing on his balcony who would stare and make comment when I came out. Yesterday all the women vacated, carrying their blankets and pillows - they had one last party Friday night and last night was one last night of the whooping and hollering.

This is a healing time for me and it's a very special time that God has given me.  I even got up early today to attend my friend's wedding mass at the San Buenaventura Mission - her husband passed away suddenly in 2015.  This event had a fairy tail sort of feel as there was community and I saw a few women who were so good to me and took care of Missy during a trip last July. My thought was perhaps start going to mass on Sunday mornings as I found myself the last few months sleeping far too much. I would commute to work, come home and drink too much wine, then go to sleep.  While a glass or two of wine is fine, a whole bottle left me feeling not so well the next day and as if I had missed something. Today, I even went to lunch at a local French cafe' and it did not bother me to eat alone.

Thank you - I'll pack those "shoulds" away and unpack as I see fit, put things away and bring in those that are meaningful now. And Missy's pictures are in the midst of this, as is she.  I had another Golden, Molly, for 12 years; Kitty Dude; and two rabbits, Bun-Buns I and II. I love birds and this is very comforting to me.

And I'm finding that it's ok to find joy and happiness in the midst of change.  My heart still aches but 20 years with the loss of a partner or spouse, or even a short time, takes time to sort through.  

[KayC]

I too had another Golden, Teddy, years ago, a wonderful sweet gentle dog like no other breed!

20 hours ago, TAM1 said:

And I'm finding that it's ok to find joy and happiness in the midst of change.

One of the most important things I learned was to look for good or joy in every day, no matter how small, nothing is too trivial to count.  Sometimes it was a stranger letting me merge in traffic, sometimes seeing deer in my back yard, or maybe a phone call from one of my sisters.  Practicing this helped me learn to live in the present and not miss the good that is.  It also taught me to look expectantly with hope and a positive attitude.  It changed my life.  It's an art that requires practice.  Some days it was a stretch to find anything good but still I looked and could usually find something.  I learned not to compare...comparisons are a real joy-killer.  They rob you of what is yours today in focusing on what you no longer have and can't change, leaving you feeling helpless, overwhelmed.  When comparisons confront, I put up the hand and bring myself back into the now.

[TAM1]

Thanks KayC - I'm saving this for posting at home and work to remind myself.  Can't believe I have been away from this group for a little over a month. It takes time to settle in emotionally and physically, things and emotions that a person can only sort out alone.  I have the second of three shots of Orthovisc in my left knee tomorrow and it's supposed to last up to six months and even the last few days it's much better. My new home is getting much more familiar as I make it mine - familiar is sometimes a difficult place to get to. I did my first bird walk on Sunday in almost 6 months and I pushed myself to get out there and got some great photos. Coming up to August 4th and it will have been a year since losing Missy and I felt this wash over me while at work today and was almost overwhelmed and had to stop myself right there. There are no rules about grief - no timelines. The most important thing is to take care of ourselves and reach out and not be afraid to.

 

[TAM1]

I found this photo the other day - Missy Meets Santa 2012.  What a treasure!

[KayC]

Your Missy reminds me of my Arlie, beautiful Golden! (Arlie's half Golden Retriever, half Siberian Husky).  He's lost 34 lbs since this picture but is now losing more due to his cancer.
I know it's very hard to go on without them, I have no idea how I'll do this, but we don't get a choice, do we. 

 

[TAM1]

They are such great souls and will always have a special place in our hearts and lives.  When I leave in the morning i always say, "Good by Missy. Be a good girl."  And when I get home, "Hi Missy - I'm home!"  Please let me know how Arlie is doing, and how you are also - always here. 

[KayC]

He's had a hard couple of days, sleeps, wants left alone, his liver is distended, threw up a bit last night, beginning of the end.  But he's still eating and stools still look good.  Not sure how much longer I'll have him, I see it drawing closer.    I love this dog so much!  If it begins to look like quality of life is gone, I'll do it.  But he still enjoys his walks and the park.  This morning he ate without coaxing  or having to wait a couple hours, so I guess that's my cue he's not quite ready to go yet.

Your Missy is beautiful!  I love golden retrievers, such gentle spirit.  My dog got his personality more from the Husky side, but I had a GR once, he was so good with the kids when they were little!  He was 120 lbs and let them ride him when they were little, like a shetland pony!

[TAM1]

God this is so hard!  And you are aware of how Arlie is doing and where is is failing. You are right KayC, about the quality of life and he has that "spark" today. I know you will keep a careful watch. 

When Missy began looking away in the evenings - out someplace else or at the door, she was already leaving. And I believe I will have another GR again, but it's not time.