Just lost Husband and Father

[JEB]

I've just lost my husband and father within 2 weeks of each other in May. I'm struggling and trying to navigate the real world. I feel so lost.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your losses.  It's hard enough to lose one, as all of us can attest, but to lose two people so integral a part of your life, so close together, it shouldn't be!  I am so sorry.

I lost my father when I was young, and my husband had just turned 51 when he died, it was a shock.  I've lost so many, my mom, sister, niece, nephew, close friends, pets...the list goes on and on, many aunts & uncles, all grandparents.  But I didn't lose them two weeks apart.  
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

I wrote this article of what I've found helpful, and hope even one thing in it is of help to you.  We're all unique and have different timelines, what stands out to you now will be different than what stands out to you a few months from now, this is indeed a journey, ever evolving.  I hope you have a good support system close by.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

 

[JEB]

Thank you so much for reaching out. I read the links and your article. I found all of it comforting. I am brand new in this journey as my Father just passed May 27th and my Husband on May 13th. I'm 44 and don't feel like anyone can understand what I am feeling. I know this will change over time with the more I talk about it. I have started therapy and have a very caring circle of friends and family. My Mother has moved in with me and we are a great help to one another.

Warm Regards

[JES]

@JEB  I am so sorry for your losses,  my thoughts are with you and your mother. Am glad you both have each other and other caring people to talk with. I' m over 8 months now, and its a tough journey but the pain does begin to lessen as time moves on, and we do see glimmers of light. Sending you hugs and moments of peace as you go through this. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

@JEB
I'm so very sorry for your losses,I am 4 and a half months in and this group has saved my sanity.You are not alone,we have another member who lost her husband and father within 24 hours of each other and she has thoughtful and inspiring words.
We are all in this together.
I lost my husband,my home and my way of life,but I'm slowly building a new one.
Love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Fmf]

@JEB I am so sorry you have found yourself here.  As @Billie Rae stated I am the member who lost my husband and dad within 24 hours.   I am at 4 months since it happened. I remember when it first happened I was in shock. I think it’s great that you want to talk about it. For me personally I love talking about them, not about how they died but how they lived.  I obviously don’t know your situation but my dad and husband were very close and I find great comfort in knowing that they are together. ( they both died unexpectedly)   In the very beginning ( not that 4 months is that long) I chose to pick a good memory of each of them every day those thoughts got me through  that first and second month. I am glad to hear that you and your mom have each other. It is a strange idea that now we are widows along with our mom’s and I lost my dad just like my two teenage daughters lost theirs.  I know right now you feel lost, I hope therapy helps you and take advantage of that group of friend and family that you have. Keep coming here, especially when feeling lost we can all relate to how you are feeling and take this unfortunate journey we have found ourselves on together.  

[JEB]

@Fmf

Thank you to all who are reaching out and thanks to you for sharing  very similar situation. My Dad and Husband both passed unexpectedly as well and were very close. My Mother and I both take comfort that they are together. My Husband was very caring and looked after those he loved. Monday's are especially hard as they both passed on one. I find myself scattering to find their smell..the sound of their voice. 

[Fmf]

@JEB  I just want to say I know how you feel. It it so unreal that these men are no longer in our lives. I hope you do find comfort in knowing they are together, that is one of the main things that has gotten me through each day.  What you wrote about your husband reminded me of mine.  I know what you mean about the smell and the sound of those voices. I’ll call my husband’s cell phone to just hear his voice or my parents home when I know my mom isn’t home to hear my dad’s voice. My one daughter had taken to spraying my husbands cologne just to remind us of his smell. I hope that you find peace at some point along this journey. It has not been an easy road but I really do try to look at the positives I can in every day.  I found this site to be helpful, use it and take from it what you need.  I am living  my life as I know these men would want me to. I laugh, I smile, I go out with friends. I know right now that may seem overwhelming but I think it’s important that we live out lives the way we want to and not how people expect us to. I say this because I had many who could not believe that I was even standing after what happened and find it strange that I am able to go on at all.  

You are in my thoughts and prayers 

Fmf

[JEB]

@Fmf

Thank you for your support. You will be in our prayers as well. ❤

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Fmf said:

@JEB I am so sorry you have found yourself here.  As @Billie Rae stated I am the member who lost my husband and dad within 24 hours.   I am at 4 months since it happened. I remember when it first happened I was in shock. I think it’s great that you want to talk about it. For me personally I love talking about them, not about how they died but how they lived.  I obviously don’t know your situation but my dad and husband were very close and I find great comfort in knowing that they are together. ( they both died unexpectedly)   In the very beginning ( not that 4 months is that long) I chose to pick a good memory of each of them every day those thoughts got me through  that first and second month. I am glad to hear that you and your mom have each other. It is a strange idea that now we are widows along with our mom’s and I lost my dad just like my two teenage daughters lost theirs.  I know right now you feel lost, I hope therapy helps you and take advantage of that group of friend and family that you have. Keep coming here, especially when feeling lost we can all relate to how you are feeling and take this unfortunate journey we have found ourselves on together.  

My mom was widowed 33 years, so we shared in that for nine years before she too died.  I'm glad you and your mom have each other.  You are tackling this in as positive way as you can, which will be helpful to you in this journey.

[Fmf]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

You are tackling this in as positive way as you can, which will be helpful to you in this journey.

@KayC Honestly I don’t know how to be other than that- positive. I think I had posted before that 9 years ago my husband had some health issues, where he couldn’t remember a part of his life ( due to multiple seizures)  and on September 11th he should have been at work in the Twin Towers but due to a colleague asking for a schedule change he  was instead home with our 4 month old. So I consider these past years as borrowed time with him and that we were blessed to have had all these years.  My daughters and I are taking this journey together and truly enjoying all the good things that this year is bringing us.  I know that statement might seem strange, but I’ve had many people say I’m sure you wish this year was over. I really don’t This was and still is a big year for my family.  An 18th, 50th and 16th birthdays. Prom, HS graduation and starting college ( I would have been married 20 years) Even though my husband and dad are not here  physically to share in these events. I know they are with us , wanting us to enjoy all these moments. I believe my dad somehow knew my husband was going to die and went the night before to “soften” the blow so I’d know they would be together. 

[KayC]

That IS a very positive way of looking at it, and it will carry you far.  If you find your positivity waning at some point, do not be surprised, this journey has a myriad of emotional ups and downs as shock wears off and reality hits. I've learned to ride the waves.

[Billie Rae]

@Fmf,I love your attitude and your positive thoughts.
I also see this year as good,the three months he was sick were torture for him and for me so I'm sad he is gone but happy he is no longer suffering.
I miss him but love my new apartment and meeting new people (as I've said,he was a hermit and also never finished our house)
I love having clean things and also not having to make decisions for two(Charlie always said"your just like my mom,you take care of everything"he thought it was a compliment!)
And I love my overnight road trips that he hated.
I miss the security of my old life and I miss my big guy but I'm looking forward to what's next
Love to all
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JEB]

On 6/3/2019 at 12:15 AM, Billie Rae said:

@JEB
I'm so very sorry for your losses,I am 4 and a half months in and this group has saved my sanity.You are not alone,we have another member who lost her husband and father within 24 hours of each other and she has thoughtful and inspiring words.
We are all in this together.
I lost my husband,my home and my way of life,but I'm slowly building a new one.
Love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
 

@Billie Rae

Thank you for reaching out. I'm in the middle of getting through mountains of paperwork and phone calls. It keeps me focused and on track for now. I'm scared because the life I loved so much with my husband is now gone and it forces me to create a new normal. I heard something on a Ted Talk that I liked. The widow stated that she hasn't moved on..that she has moved forward and has taken all the love they shared and his spirit with her. That he helped create the person she is and she will continue to make him proud and be that person. It is exactly how I want to be. To make him proud of me in all things. To be the person he loved so much.

[JEB]

@Fmf

I find you so strong. I really aspire to having strength like yours. I have these beautiful memories that pop up and I smile and the next moment I'm sobbing. He was my person. No one made me laugh like he could. He would have me in hysterics. I loved him so dearly. I am so proud of you for being able to find your smile again. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, JEB said:

she hasn't moved on..that she has moved forward

I believe that's how Leann put it too.  

[Fmf]

2 hours ago, JEB said:

I have these beautiful memories that pop up and I smile and the next moment I'm sobbing. 

@JEB please know I too have these moments. I have an hour or more commute to work each day, the time in my car has been my saving grace. It’s my time alone to remember and to cry and believe me there is a lot of crying that goes on. For me that’s my  release in a sense. In many ways I think that’s what allows me in a way to have the strength to get through the days.  I do appreciate your kind words.  You will find your way, when you are ready. Thoughts are prayers for you. 

[ModKatB]

3 hours ago, JEB said:

I have these beautiful memories that pop up and I smile and the next moment I'm sobbing.

I shared this in another post a while back.  THE MEMORIES THAT BRING PAIN AND TEARS TODAY, WILL ONE DAY BE THE MEMORIES THAT BRING HAPPINESS AND SMILES. 

When you start this journey it seems like nothing will ever get better and we each have to figure out what works for us. I will say that time has a way of changing things and that there is hope for life to be something better. It has been almost 19 months ago that I lost my husband of 21 years to cancer and while I still miss him the memories are now becoming something to smile about. I wish for all of us to find the peace we need.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, ModKatB said:

THE MEMORIES THAT BRING PAIN AND TEARS TODAY, WILL ONE DAY BE THE MEMORIES THAT BRING HAPPINESS AND SMILES. 

It's true, it changes after a while of processing our grief.  For me it was a relief once I shed a million tears to look up at his picture on the wall, remember our life together and how he made me feel...and smile.

[foreverhis]

On 6/5/2019 at 7:49 AM, KayC said:

I believe that's how Leann put it too.  

I'm pretty sure they're talking about the TED Talk that @JBSC01 shared in April.  There's much in it that touches on all the things we feel and how we experience life now.  I've sent a link to our daughter and a couple of friends, telling them that she puts into words things I haven't yet been able to express well.