ive never hated so much in my life

[Mica]

my best friend was murdered by his partner who had also been a very close friend of mine. 

the cognitive dissonance of "he was my friend and im sad for him that he became the monster he did" (drug induced psychosis which triggered underlying mental disorder which deteriorate into what happened)... and ansolutely loathing and disgust for the monster he became and what he did to my best friend both at the end and the weeks and months leading up to it. 

i dont know how to reconcile it. and our other friends hadnt been friends with the murderer mthe way i was so its easy for them to just black and white only hate him so they  dont understand. 

im just so confused and lost and angry and sad and wishing horrible things for him and feeling terrible for wishing it