I forgot...

[Billie Rae]

So last night I took a break from packing and sat down to play my favorite video poker game,about 15 minutes in I hit 4 aces and got so excited and then it happened,I yelled happily"Honey,we have to go to Reno,I hit 4 aces"I looked over and.....

How the hell did I forget?even for one second?it started my crying and suffering all over again.Just when I thought I had gotten through the shock and really knew that he's gone,there it is all over.

My start to move was going so well with lots of support and kindness(my isp after I told them why I was moving gave me higher speed at a lot less money for life)and then this and I'm stressed out all over again.

Love you all

Billie

 

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

 

 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

(my isp after I told them why I was moving gave me higher speed at a lot less money for life)

I knew we were right!  There is clearly something about you, some charm or flat out niceness, that makes people want to help and comfort you. 

I've got to admit that better internet would be nice, but in our semi-rural region on the coast, we have few options and it's all, "Sorry, we're not going to bother upgrading to fiber optic, etc."  Never mind that we're a wine region with several major tourist spots (like state and national parks and landmarks, Hearst Castle, etc.) and get tourists from all over the world.  Never mind that we have a top university in our county.  Never mind that a fast growing, recently Dow Jones listed company is located nearby.  Never mind that we're smack between San Francisco and the Los Angeles basin.  No, we're a farmers/teachers/young professionals/retirees community across from a fishing and tourism community, so clearly the 50 thousand residents spread over a few towns aren't "enough" to warrant up to date technology.  Nope, they just keep raising the rates (while laughing, I'm sure).  Argh!  Thanks for letting me rant.

I'm so sorry you had one of those moments where we forget.  You're only 3 months in, so you're bound to have memory blips.  I'm going on 10 months and my heart still can't believe my love isn't here with me.  How can it be otherwise?  Unfortunately, those blips cause a sharp stab of pain that opens up your wounds.  I read an article by one woman who very pointedly stated that our wounds will never fully heal.  I think it's because our grief is right on the surface, so it takes only a little "scratch" to make our hearts cry out in pain.

I'm wondering how common this is.  There are times I swear I expect him to be there when I come home from grocery shopping.  When I fully expect to hear him say, "Want some help bringing it in?"

Just know that we're here for you and I am sending you big, comforting hugs.

[Billie Rae]

Foreverhis,I would much rather be in your rural coastal area than have good internet[emoji3]I hate hate hate the city,I was raised by my grandma mostly in northern Canada(VanDerhoof)and when not there I was on a farm in Tumwater Washington.
If it wasn't for my client I would have run for the country,was looking at my beloved Gulfport Mississippi or Pensacola Florida but I made her a promise to stay as long as I am able.
It was so shocking to be laughing one minute then to realize what's real,it started my journey all over again
Love you all
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

How the hell did I forget?

Because it's a really hard thing to sink in.  We had our everydayness with them, we were used to living with them, being with them, it's a very hard thing to break into our consciousness that things have really changed that drastically.  

[Moment2moment]

On 4/25/2019 at 5:00 PM, KayC said:

Because it's a really hard thing to sink in.  We had our everydayness with them, we were used to living with them, being with them, it's a very hard thing to break into our consciousness that things have really changed that drastically.  

28 years and then BAM it is all over! You got that right. The good, the bad, the struggles, the suffering, even riding the horrific waves of dying in hospice. It is coming and then it arrives and even then it is not real. In 10 more days it is a year for me and my mind has yet to wrap around how our old life is forever gone and my new "life" has yet to jump start.

The pain never really ends. It just comes and goes and changes shape.

Lily Bell

[SSC]

@Moment2moment I 100% agree.  Grieving sucks.  Having our life as we know it ripped out from underneath us is so difficult to adapt to.  I find myself resisting.  Refusing to move forward because I really don’t want to.  And because I can’t have my old life, I’m stuck.  Change is hard. 

[foreverhis]

On 4/25/2019 at 1:41 PM, Billie Rae said:

I was on a farm in Tumwater Washington

That's outside of Olympia, isn't it?

Our daughter is sick of living in Ballard because it's changed so much in the past several years.  She has friends in Port Townsend (great community, I must agree) and would move there if her work wasn't right on the shore of Lake Union.  Not quite "commute" distance and she can only work from home 1 to 2 days a week.  She's become a small town girl at heart and our granddaughter was constantly saying, "Mama, we should move near grandpa and grannie.  I love it here."

I've got to admit that not only did we not miss the hustle and bustle and traffic and smog of the bay area, but it got to the point where every time we visited, we'd get a queasy a feeling making the transition from 101 to 85 or 280.  If not for our family and best friends, we'd never go back for any reason.  Sure, we missed San Francisco as a day trip for little adventures or the museum and we missed having a huge theater and music community, but not enough to ever consider moving back.  The area changed so much from the decades we were growing up.  It's a trade off, no question.  But now we've got this great little group of neighbors in a town where the sidewalks roll up at 7 pm, there are no streetlights except on the main roads, and it's beautiful and beautifully quiet at night. 

The first few nights we were in our new house, it was so dark and quiet that all we could hear was our beloved Keeshond getting up to "patrol" on the hardwood floors.  "Click-click-click" of nails on the floor.  "Go lie down and sleep!"  The dog sighs, settles down, and an hour later "Click-click-click" on the floor."  Fortunately, he got used to the new home and started sleeping in his spot through the night.  Good thing too because the cat was starting to get annoyed with him interrupting her sleeping on my love.  And you really did not want to irritate that little redhead!

After a year or so when we'd have to drive into town (our small city nearby), we'd joke that our "commute" changed from freeways, condos, malls, and warehouses to miles and miles of growing fields, pastures, and sea birds flying inland.  Or we'd drive by one of the farms where the growers came to the farmers market and say, "Oh look, the snow peas are up.  We'll be eating peas in a month!"

Yeah, I don't think we would trade this for better wifi or cell phone coverage.

[JES]

@Billie Rae  I too forget hes not here,  I read something or hear news of someone we know, and my 1st thought is to tell Kevin, then I remember.  It always confuses me for afew minutes,    "is he really not here, or even was he really here that short time ago"? It always make me so sad. Hes missing out,  Im missing him...it just seems never ending.    I am also a country girl at heart,  grew up on a farm in a small town.  It was a great life, and we were never bored. Everyone knew everyone,  plenty of neighborhood children,  walking,  bicycles, exploring, board games, sledding, and of course it taught me the value of good, hard work.  I raised my children in even smaller town, and they all loved it and still are country minded.  Only difference now is I live in small city (7000 pop.) so Im close to stores, hospital, etc. which I think will be much better as I get older, and especially now,  being alone.  I hope you are able to continue packing and getting through it without too much difficulty.  Thinking of you, and sending love.  Jeanne

[foreverhis]

54 minutes ago, JES said:

It always confuses me for a few minutes,    "is he really not here,

That still happens to me most mornings.  For just a few moments as I transition from sleep to semi-awake, I forget he's not been next to me.  My nose still expects to smell coffee.  My heart thinks he should be downstairs (almost always up first), enjoying a cup and having set up the machine for me.  We have a scoop single-cup machine.  No pods, you fill a scoop with fresh grind each time.  So I'd prep the first scoop and the machine before bed.  He'd get up, make his cup, and then set up the second scoop (we have four) for me.  I had to change that pattern as it was to painful a reminder of the day to day routines, the little things we'd do for each other.

This morning especially I "felt" him there because he was in my last dream last night. The people in it were real, but the setting was made up by my altered brain.  I don't have much memory of the events in it, but we were out in the country on a ranch looking for something.  I don't remember the conversation either.  But what I do remember is that my husband and I were searching for or trying to do something together--and he wasn't angry and mean to me like the previous (and only other) two dreams since he died.  I guess that's a bit of an improvement.

It's strange how we know we're not in denial, we know what has happened, but there are always those moments where our hearts forget and our minds just follow along, telling us our current reality can't possibly be true.

[Pitszal]

My husband for over 60 years passed this May 18 of a long battle with Cancer. I think of him 24/7. Everything is a reminder that he is gone. The nights are the worst I miss him so much. I am living with my Daughter and SIL and that is a blessing. .I feel for all of you because I know exactly what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I pray that God will see us through our loved ones passing.

[Billie Rae]

So I'm not the only one to forget,thought I was going soft in the head.Its suprising how that one minute can hurt for so long.It feels like starting all over again.The closer I get to my move the more tired i feel and so deeply hurt.I want to eventually move back to the small town country life again.
I love you guys so much,I wish we could all get together and cry and hug and laugh and talk..
Love Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Pitszal said:

My husband for over 60 years passed this May 18 of a long battle with Cancer. I think of him 24/7. Everything is a reminder that he is gone. The nights are the worst I miss him so much. I am living with my Daughter and SIL and that is a blessing. .I feel for all of you because I know exactly what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I pray that God will see us through our loved ones passing.

@Pitszal  I am so sorry for your loss.  Welcome here to this place, it has become like an extended family.  60 years is a long time, I'm sure it's a very major change, I have friends who had their husbands that long, I didn't get that although we would have loved to have had a lifetime together.

I'm glad you have your daughter and SIL and don't have to be alone.  I hate growing old alone, no local familial support.  I hope will continue to come here and read and post, it helps us all to know that what we're experiencing is "normal" in grief and we really aren't crazy...or if we are, we have plenty of company!

Yes, relying on God's strength, one day at a time!

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I love you guys so much,I wish we could all get together and cry and hug and laugh and talk..

Me too!  And nope, you haven't gone soft in the head yet!  Although you might feel that way by the time you move! 

[Pitszal]

Thank you so much KayC for your kind and encoureging words. Yes I will for sure continue to come here