Can’t Get It Together

[LostGirl39]

Hi everyone. Just needed to talk. Well I managed to get through Easter without a breakdown. But this week my grief is hitting me hard all over again. I’m sleeping better now but I still don’t have an appetite & I’m starting to lose weight. I just can’t seem to get it together. I desperately need to find a job so that I can move out of my brother’s place but I can’t find the motivation to do anything. I need my own space to grieve like I want to but at the same time a part of me is terrified of having to live life alone. Me & my boyfriend were always together. We even worked together. In our whole 17 year relationship, we’d only been apart for 6 months total when we briefly broke up in the beginning of our relationship. I’m completely lost without him. I’ve been with this man since I was 22 years old. I consider myself to be a strong, independent woman but this is a whole new ballgame.

I’m just stuck. I know that I’m gonna have to learn to live without him but this is hard. How do you pick up the pieces of your life after losing someone this important?  My anxiety is through the roof. I just want to find a job & get my own place. I think that that’s the only way that I’ll at least start to put my life back together. But my grief & depression are holding me hostage. My emotions are all over the place. Heck, I don’t even know if I can mentally deal with a job right now but I need to have some money coming in. Luckily, I have some rainy day funds saved up. But that’s only going to last so long. Is anybody else struggling just to go on with life & do the everyday things? I wish that our babies had lived because at least that would have given me the motivation to go on. This is just a lonely, miserable hell. Thanks for listening.

[JES]

@LostGirl39  Your loss is still very new, of course everything is hard...Im at 7 months and I still dont have it together most of the time.  Your still grieving deeply...this kind of loss is one of the hardest to get through.  What you are experiencing is very normal, not just for you, for all of us.  The ups and downs still continue for most of us for a long time. Be kind to yourself, don't rush into anything until you feel you are able,  take care of you, the rest can come when you feel ready,  it may still be hard to be alone, baby steps. The anxiety is a big part also.  Take your time to grieve,  its ok, your mind and body need this. It will get alittle better and eventually you may find yourself feeling alittle hope. It helps to talk, vent....know you are not alone, we all get it,  we are here to help and we all care about each other. We understand how hard this journey is..thinking of you and sending love.  Jeanne

 

 

[Moment2moment]

4 hours ago, LostGirl39 said:

Hi everyone. Just needed to talk. Well I managed to get through Easter without a breakdown. But this week my grief is hitting me hard all over again. I’m sleeping better now but I still don’t have an appetite & I’m starting to lose weight. I just can’t seem to get it together. I desperately need to find a job so that I can move out of my brother’s place but I can’t find the motivation to do anything. I need my own space to grieve like I want to but at the same time a part of me is terrified of having to live life alone. Me & my boyfriend were always together. We even worked together. In our whole 17 year relationship, we’d only been apart for 6 months total when we briefly broke up in the beginning of our relationship. I’m completely lost without him. I’ve been with this man since I was 22 years old. I consider myself to be a strong, independent woman but this is a whole new ballgame.

I’m just stuck. I know that I’m gonna have to learn to live without him but this is hard. How do you pick up the pieces of your life after losing someone this important?  My anxiety is through the roof. I just want to find a job & get my own place. I think that that’s the only way that I’ll at least start to put my life back together. But my grief & depression are holding me hostage. My emotions are all over the place. Heck, I don’t even know if I can mentally deal with a job right now but I need to have some money coming in. Luckily, I have some rainy day funds saved up. But that’s only going to last so long. Is anybody else struggling just to go on with life & do the everyday things? I wish that our babies had lived because at least that would have given me the motivation to go on. This is just a lonely, miserable hell. Thanks for listening.

Yea I get it completely. It's like I make adjustments and changes and reach out but no one is reaching back. No one. I am alone, me and my dogs.

Yea and I work and that gets me money and some social interaction but it also is always in my face that everyone seems to have someone be they a partner, kids, grandkids. Whatever. 

They don't go home to an empty house and eat alone and have no one to share their day or their life with, the good and the bad, the little things that make up a life.

I am 2 weeks out from one year and the wounds are almost fresh one day, hidden the next. I am like a revolving door of ok vs devastated. 

Distraction and busyness helped for awhile but now I am a numb walking zombie.

I don't have an answer except to tell you that you do not walk this slippery slow of grief alone.

Grab any moment of joy that you can because it may be fleeting.

Stay strong and know we love you!

Smiles and hugs-

Lily Bell

(She came to me within moments of her passing, rising on the sweet scent of lilies, free and joyful and whole again.)

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, LostGirl39 said:

How do you pick up the pieces of your life after losing someone this important?

I'll be honest:  I have no idea.  I don't think any of the cliches apply to real life, at least not for me.  There's no "new normal" or "moving on" or "picking of the pieces."  There's only "How do I live without my soulmate?"  I talk to him, I ask him for help, I rant and cry and struggle against the unfairness of what happened to my sweetheart.  I'm angry not just for me and our girls, but for him.  He deserved so much more and better.  He deserved to finish the life we were living.

I don't think I can pick up the pieces of the life we had because that life has shattered into tiny bits.  The only thing I think I'll ever be able to do is learn to live a different life without falling into permanent darkness.

I guess I'm lucky in a way.  I have a wonderful daughter and a special (aren't they all?) granddaughter.  Our daughter still needs her mom and our granddaughter needs to finish growing up knowing that her adored and adoring grandpa would never have left us on purpose.  But most days even that isn't enough to give me more than little glimmers of light in a bleak world. 

I also have a small, but loving, group of friends and family who are there for me when they can be.  The thing is that I've never lived alone before and I've realized that it's not living alone that's so hard, it's living alone without my love that makes me not want to get out of bed so many days.  In that split second between sleep and waking, I almost forget that my love isn't here with me now.  In some ways, that is the worst part of my day.

The only advice I can give you is to keep looking for those pinpoints of light and keep coming here to vent, rant, question, and find comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

[KayC]

@LostGirl39  I don't think there is an answer to "how" because for each of us it will be different.  I went back to work after 2 weeks because I had to, I even did payroll five days after he died.  I don't know how I did it, by rote likely, my focus was gone.  I asked my boss to double check my work, I've never done that before.  One of the good things about going back to work though was it took up time.  There were times I had to go into the bathroom and cry.  Everyone understood.  Weekends and nights were the hardest, coming home to a home without him in it...

It might help you to try a grief support group.  I live in the country so there were none here when I went through it, but I've since started one here.

I can relate to the anxiety, as I've always had it but it went through the roof when George died!  Even now I struggle with it.  It helps to see a doctor and let them know what you're going through, I'm on Buspirone (Buspar) lowest dose for it, will likely be the rest of my life.  It also helps to try to stay in today and not think about the whole "rest of your life"...that's a sure fire way to kick your anxiety in to full gear!  Keep coming here, it helps to express yourself and know there are others listening that get it and care.

[Pitszal]

LostGirl39

 

My prayers and thoughts are with you. My only advice to you is... keep busy..continue living where you are.. and do not give up looking for a job. My husband passed a month ago after 60 years of marriage and I do think about him 24/7 I miss him so much. I live with my Daughter and SIL and that is a blessing. I am Going to be Volunteering at a Hospital I did Volunteer at a Hospital for 19 years until I moved. . I am trying to keep busy Good luck in finding a job. Remember time is a healer

Sylvia