unacknowledge grief

[chincube]

It's day 20th, since I received the phone call from his best friend that he died suddenly.

We come from 2 opposites of the earth, we speak different languages, we grew up in different cultures, we are as different as 2 person can be. We have known each other for 3 years, in which we have only physically been in same geographical location for 3 times; we were together for a bit more than a year, in which we only stayed physically together for 1 month. We had plans to meet again in 3 months, but he just died.

The day his best friend called me, it was such a violent affair that i was screaming to his friend to stop that and give the phone to my man. The call was hung up 5 times before I could register what he was saying. But we were just talking the whole day, just few hours before he died! And he didn't say he was feeling sick...

None of my friends at home knew him, in fact only 2 friends knew about him, not even my family. How do I tell them about my sudden loss of someone they don't even know about? And how do I explain this "boyfriend" of mine who came out of nowhere? But at the same time, I don't want to pretend nothing happened, I don't want next time when I catch up with friends and they ask what's up, and I can just say "oh you know, nothing much".

And because of the long distance nature of this relationship, the very few that I talked to about my grief, some cannot understand how devastating it is. Like implying, how close can you two be if you have not even been physically together that much time? But it was connection at first sight, but we did not get together until after we separated the second time. It's a connection of souls, not our physical bodies. After we confirmed our relationship, for more than a year we talked almost everyday, hours at time, about everything and thoughts. Sure maybe losing his lack of physical body is not that much difference now, but the lose of his soul to talk to.... "devastating" would be an understatement.

On the other hand, his best friend is much more understanding of how devastating for us. I knew the 2 of them together since the first day we met, and the 2 of them are inseparable like twins. He witnessed how smitten my man was, he realized I liked my man before my man did, he knew how much we talk and sometimes what we talked about. Since that day I asked his friend to please call me everyday, it was a consolation to have someone to cry together. But then after a week, I realized that in their culture they don't grieve more than a week. I don't understand how, but they just stop feeling the emotions and get on with life. Maybe they just hide it, but his friend started to tell me I should stop crying, and I shouldn't be sad all the time or I would become sick and I too would die.

So I asked his friend not to call all the time anymore, because he has to take care of my man's family now, and I don't want my emotions to be his burden on top of everything.

I feel so intensely alone. Even I was rarely physically with him, but I feel my soul is alone. I talk to him every night as if he can hear me, I light candles for him every night before I sleep and feel that by doing so he could be here with me. I used to dream of him everyday, but since his death it just stopped, I only had 3 dreams of him. Sometimes I feel like he's close to me sitting on my bed, sometimes I can feel he's brushing my arm. I feel like I'm going crazy, and I feel so ashamed to tell people these things I do/feel, because I don't want people to think I'm crazy.

My emotions are changing more rapidly than weather, some days I feel ok, and then within hours I'd be scream-crying. There is not a single day I don't cry, I wonder when would I stop crying everyday eventually? I can't remember when was the last time I cried even.

But how could he die? He was strong and so alive, he was so happy when I finally said yes to him that he cried. He cried, he laughed, he ran, he ate, he danced, he sang, he was so alive. How could  he just die?

Would I stop crying eventually? Would everything ever be ok again?

[JES]

@chincube I am so sorry for your loss, it doesnt matter how long you knew him or spent time together, you still loved deeply and feel the loss of your love deeply. You had that connection, and lost your future with him. Each person is different in their grieving time but these emotions with loss of our love can last a long time, and many new emotions can come up at any time, the ups and downs come and go....talk about him to your friends, let them know how much you loved him,  it may help you to do this...they need to know how hard this is for you. Most of us are in different times in our losses so we understand how you are feeling. Feel free to share, vent, we will listen and we care about each other. We all "get it". Be kind to yourself my dear...sending love to you. Jeanne

[chincube]

@JES

Thank you for your kind message. Yes, I feel very lost on my purpose of life, because we have talked so much about future to stay together in one location and worked to achieve that. However now it's not happening forever, I do not know what I'm doing everyday.

I did tell few friends about him, some have been supportive until they got bored with the subject, some just ignored the topic completely and just jumped to another topic. Sometimes I feel like I have some infectious disease, that friends are avoiding me. I have no seen a single friend since he died. There was no funeral no memorial that I could attend, there's no food brought to me, friends who knew about him just assumed that I'd be fine alone anyway.

Maybe they're right, now that it's reaching 3 weeks that heart attack feeling, chest pain, heart pounding, panic all started to fade. Then I start reading, everyone talking about "coping" with grief... But how do I "cope"? What do I do? What actions do I take? What if all I can do is attempting to sit in a metro train without bursting into tears? What if all I can do is just finish a day of work without crying in front of kids I work with?

Reading posts here do soothe a bit, and I can't repeat that enough, only people who has gone through this can understand how it feels...

[Skywise]

@chincube  I'm afraid that that's what coping is.  You get up every day, breathe in and out and go through the motions like a robot.  When I look back, I can barely remember anything about the first 6 months after losing my husband.  Certain moments stand out but the rest is just one big blur, yet I know I was going to work, keeping the house clean and doing the shopping - all the monotonous things that we do every day.  I just can't remember doing those things. 

One day you'll suddenly find that you're  not crying at your desk and that you managed to get around the supermarket without having a melt down in front of the meat counter because you've bought a fillet steak instead. of the ribeye that he preferred (been there, done that - several times)

It doesn't mean the pain goes away, you just grow a thicker mask to present to the world and your grief becomes a  more private thing.  

I don't think any of us actually cope with our loss. I dont think anyone can.  You just have to keep on breathing in and out.  That's the whole of your job at the moment and, really, it's all you should expect of yourself right now.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, chincube said:

How do I tell them about my sudden loss of someone they don't even know about?

You tell them just like you've told us.  George and I started out by writing each other and believe me, I know when you say how close you can get without physically meeting, it's true because you shared from the heart.  In some ways I think you get closer faster because you're not just doing superficial things, you really share with each other.  Don't let anyone make light of your loss, if they try, set them straight!

You ask how to cope with grief...I don't think any of us know how to answer that, it seems to imply we're in charge, when really we are just getting by as best as we can.  It's been nearly 14 years for me and I can tell you I somehow adjusted little by little as it sinks in, we just do the best we can and never feel like we're "good at it".  We try to function, go to work, come home, clean the house, pay the bills...sometimes it feels we're going through the motions.  But I've also learned along the way to embrace whatever good there is in life, no matter how small, no matter how fleeting...I've learned the art of living in the present, of mindfulness, and that has helped but it's a continual process, not like we've ever "achieved".

It seems yours is like disenfranchised grief, that is one that isn't acknowledged by others.  I hope this article will be of help to you...just remember that whether others recognize it or not, your grief is every bit as real as anyone here and we acknowledge it.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/08/disenfranchised-grief-mourning-loss-of.html

I wrote this and hope even one of these suggestions is helpful to you today or sometime down the road:

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Billie Rae]

Chincube that's what"coping"is,just getting through each hour and doing what needs to be done until we realize time is passing and grief is changing.For now,in the beginning it's just caring for ourselves,whatever that may be.Cry,scream,rage sleep or what it is that gets you to the next day.It really doesn't matter how you were together,what matters is Love.sweetie,we are in this with you,being here has saved me and I truly love these people,brothers and sisters in grief.
Try to eat well,hydrate and walk outside a bit,above all care for you[emoji307]
Love
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[chincube]

@Skywise That's what precisely I'm doing, see a bar of his favourite chocolate in supermarket I cry, see his favourite vegetable that I haven't eaten since last time I cooked for him I cry, smelling that curry sauce that he liked me cooking for him I cry. It's like the main topic of my life now is: how to get through the day without crying like a strange person in public. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't...

@KayC Exactly, in some way, waiting for 2 years before I agreed to involve with him romantically, and then 8 months of just talking before we met again physically, that made our hearts closer. Because there was no physical distraction, you cannot take a fast lane of giving a gift, all we could do was talk and then talk loads more, all we could do was to share the content in our hearts. By the time we met again physically, everything went naturally and no awkwardness, like we had been physically together since long time.Thanks for the article and tips you posted, they're helpful in some ways.

@Billie Rae Thanks very much for your support and love, all these love I got from people here is really very warm.

 

I have to admit that I found it amusing when I read your replies on what "coping" is. Because I really didn't know, and I have read so much on the internet, books about "coping" with grief. It sounds so fancy, and English is not my mother tongue, I know this word but I cannot for the whole time understand what do I actually do to "cope". I felt like I have not been doing whatever is "coping", I felt like I was not doing enough.

But now I know it's what I am merely able to do everyday during these few weeks, so I'm probably doing ok and I guess he would be proud of me too.

This holiday felt so long alone without him to talk to everyday, but I managed. I turned my whole apartment upside down, throw away and organize all of my junk and clothes, now I'm going to paint a wall in my bedroom into orange that happens to be the favourite colour of both of us. I kept a schedule to cook and eat at least twice a day, I try to make a good dinner that I imagine I'd make him, so that I would eat well. I started going to therapy although I have no idea what it does, and I started meditating which I'd have laugh few years ago.

And I am planning the trip to his home as we have always talked about - his family told me to come and I can mourn in his house, before their official mourning period for a wife ends. It means the world to me, because I could not attend any funeral and memorial, being recognized by them and to be included in a formal mourning ritual as his wife soothes some of my anxiety.

So all in all, I guess there are enough to keep me busy in long term, and I can just walk through the good days and bad days (actually they change by hours)...

[KayC]

I am glad you plan a trip to be with his family.  It will be good for you to be acknowledged as "the one" in his life, his partner.  You do very well for English not being your native language, and even though our culture is different, we now both speak with the common culture of love and grief.