Moving on and decision making.

[tlc]

I  read about how us grievers deal with things and this is my take on it for what it is worth.

We all experience loss of those we love and when I lost my mother, I took all her things to the Op shop straight away. I loved her dearly and she was my mum. That's what I did. Loking back on it because it was thirteen years ago, I cannot explain why. At that time, I did have a job, a partner who was my everything and children.

Then Terry, my soulmate, my partner, my life, my love, my reason for being died. His clothes are still just as they were in our walk in robe and I just do not want and cannot change that. Someone else will have to do that when I leave this mortal plain myself. That's it. They can gather dust, doesn't matter. I need them here, in site, in my life. I know that he is gone. It's not denial. It's just how I cope.

 

[Brazil Man]

If I were you I would keep his clothes. If you sent them away you may regret later. I kept all Rosana's clothes and personal object as I could
and miss all her objects that were lost when I moved to a smaller apartment.

[tlc]

I have absolutelt no intention of getting rid of his clothes Brazil Man. Not now or ever. Someine else can do that when im gone!

[SSC]

I love this!  It makes me feel normal.  I totally could use the space in my little home but having Steve’s things around me gives me the feeling of having him near.  That he’s still part of my life.  I know I won’t keep everything but much of it I will. It totally helps me cope

[KayC]

Our mother is a different loss than our spouse...when you lost your mom you had your partner to help you through it, but losing him it's different, it hits us on every level, every aspect of our everyday life!  Our lover, the one we talk over our day with, the one that did half the chores, the one that paid half the bills, the one that sometimes drove us places, the one that left the garage light on for us, etc.  The loss is keenly felt.  George's closet rod broke so I boxed up his clothes and donated them to Sponsors, something that was dear to his heart, I knew he'd want that, but I kept his robe, his fishing vest, and nine years later I gave his hat to his best friend, it took me that long, he broke down and cried when I did.  I told him I always knew I'd give it to him but it took me that long to let go of it.  I gave his kids each a sweater and kept some myself.  I threw away anything to do with his job because I felt they had a hand in his heart attack.

I still have one of his hats hanging from a hook, I keep his bathrobe next to mine.  It brings me comfort and sometimes when I have a hard time, I wrap myself in it, and feel his arms around me.

[foreverhis]

Decision making.  Oh boy, that is a tough one for me still.  I get up every day thinking about all the decisions I need to make, all the things I need to do.  It's been very slow going and I chide myself often.  I also know I'm so broken that I'm not who I was and likely never will be.

About keeping stuff. Yep, it is entirely different with a parent, even one we're very close to.  My husband and I chose specific things we wanted or that my mom had gifted to us.  My sister already had the things she wanted.  Then I let my brother and his wife go through everything else.  Finally, I had everyone else in the family choose mementos.  I had not a moment's emotional pain with it.

When I returned my husband's new clothes, it was a practical financial matter:  They paid for his simple cremation and expenses.  But when I went through everything else later, I kept a selection of his polo shirts, one in every color he'd been wearing, my favorites of his Hawai'ian and flannel shirts, a couple of sweaters, his robe, a few jackets, and several pairs of "lounge around the house" pants.  I kept one pair of each kind of shoes he wore.  All those things are hanging or sitting in the closets or on the rack by the laundry room.  One of his hoodies and his day-to-day backpack are hanging on a hook by the front door.  Some of his toiletries are sitting right where they always were, even the little bottle of the one cologne he occasionally wore.  I'd given it to him because it was subtle and masculine--and the way it reacted with his body chemistry always made me want to jump him.  I have no intention of getting rid of any of those things at this point.

When our daughter asked for some of her daddy's cashmere sweaters, hoodies, and a few other things for comfort, I said yes without hesitation.  I asked her if she wanted a pair of his cotton lounge pants.  She wasn't sure, but said yes, send one.  Well, once she got up the nerve emotionally to wear them (baggy and too long; but she didn't care), she felt so comforted and so comfortable that she told me she wished she'd said yes to more.  Fortunately for her, her mom knows her better than she knows herself sometimes:  I saved a few pairs for her "just in case."  I also sent her the last of his white dress shirts from work.  Those were the type she and her friends used to "steal" along with his sweatshirts, shorts, and sweatpants to wear on the weekends when we'd have impromptu overnights.  Ours was the "girl gathering" home where they knew they were always welcome and their parents knew they were always safe.  She thought her dad simply tolerated the "thefts," but I was able to tell her truthfully that it always warmed his heart to see his closet "parade into the kitchen on a Saturday morning."  Bottom line:  I will give her anything that helps her feel her daddy's love and warm hugs, even if it's something I had planned to keep for myself.  He was not perfect by any means, but he was the kind of dad most girls wish they had, but didn't--including me.

Here's the most recent "keep."  After I finished the cleaning and rearranging sections of the garage and workshop, I put the safety goggles, mask, and workshop apron he'd been using right back on the hook where he'd left them.  I put the straw hat he wore for work in the yard right back where he'd hung it last.  I will not be moving them.

Other people may not understand, but that doesn't matter to me.

 

[ModKatB]

When my husband passed away we had already been in the process of selling our home and I continued with the sale. I had about 3 weeks to pack up what I was taking with me and the rest I donated to a charity that we both were interested in. His daughter and my daughters were given a chance to pick things that they wanted to keep and I kept things of his that were his favorites and that reminded me of him the most. For me this was what worked and I am content with these few things and the hundreds of memories I have of him.

Each of us takes a different approach to the decisions that we have to make and what ever you choose to do is okay. In the end doing what make sense to you is all that matters.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I will give her anything that helps her feel her daddy's love and warm hugs, even if it's something I had planned to keep for myself. 

Ahh, you're a good mom!

[JES]

I started on afew of Kevins clothes on Monday evening, couldn't sleep that night so just stayed up all night and mostly went thru old papers, etc.  As for his,  managed to sort out some hoodies, and also some of mine, that seemed to help.  Some are in donation bags, some will go to cottage, and family for some. Easy to give to family also,  doesnt really feel as if its gone then and its what he wanted.  He always talked about " who will get his stuff when he died," even mentioned names for some.  He always thought he would die before me because of his genetics.  But he loved to shop and loved clothes so there is alot,  lot.  It will take me long....time so I will do little at a time, that was tolerable. Of course its still in the house so I hope not to start digging back through my donate bags.   Baby steps I guess.  I also have his robe next to mine, his cologne, toiletries etc. the same as he left them. That will probably be forever.  I just have 25yrs of things, my moms, dads, his parents, still have much of my uncles clothes, pictures etc. stored at my house ( he has small apartment, no room) etc.  I don't want my kids to have to deal with it all when Im gone.  His mom did that to us and it was couple yrs. and auction in end to finally get through everything. I understand what everyone is going through,  and how everyone deals with it different.  Alittle peace to us all.