Nobody will acknowledge my grief because I'm just an aunt?

[Elainajay]

I want to preface this with I am a mom of two but loved my nephew equally. I bought everything for him to come into the world and me adopting him was even discussed before he was born.

Doctors thought there would be serious medical issues when he was born and then he came out perfect... It feels like a cruel joke, now. Right before he turned two months he passed away in his sleep and we were all devastated. Him being my brother in law's son, I was tasked with emotionally supporting everyone, including my young children, which I happily and dutifully accepted. However, it's been months, now, and people still occasionally ask how my mother in law, brother in law, and husband are doing... I'm glad to answer, but what about me? I don't want to sound self centered, but I am still in day-stopping, crippling emotional pain. I can't stand that they didn't get an autopsy. I can't stand that I didn't get to hold him more. Love him more.

I am hyper vigilant of my own kids, now. If my youngest naps a little longer than usual I cry and have to go wake him up because I'm terrified my son wont wake up. My husband sleeps soundly but I wake up most nights to check on my kids and cry some more.

I realize my anxiety is irrational but I can't talk myself out of it.

I'm emotionally and physically drained to the point that I've come to write a post to strangers just so SOMEONE knows I'm not doing as well as everyone wants and expects me to be.

Hi.

[reader]

Dear Elainajay,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss. It is so hard when people don't acknowledge our feelings. Please know your feelings are normal and natural during this very sad and difficult time. I know it hurts so bad. You are a very loving and caring aunt and mother. It is always hard to be the strong one in the family but  know that your grief and sadness is also valid.

Please don't feel like you have to put on a strong face. There are many resources in the community and through church that will help support you. There are also support groups on Facebook that could be beneficial. And so many good support groups online through What's Your Grief, Grief Healing Blog, Grief in Common and GriefShare.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Kbear10_99]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the pain and grief your going through    I just also lost my nephew in a very cruel housefire.  Although we did get 23 years with him it is very hard.  I had my nephew pretty much his whole first year due to his older Brother being in and out of the hospital so we were also very close.   I don't think the grief stage has hit me yet because I'm still the one holding it together for My Sister and Our Mom.  I pray for peace and comfort for you and your Family.  I also hear you and Thank You for being the rock in your Familys time of grief.  Rather or not anyone acknowledges your grief, you must find a outlet for a way to grieve, so that it doesn't build and burst open causing more harm than good.  God Bless 

[Ashleys Mom]

I want to preface this with I am a mom of two but loved my nephew equally. I bought everything for him to come into the world and me adopting him was even discussed before he was born.
Doctors thought there would be serious medical issues when he was born and then he came out perfect... It feels like a cruel joke, now. Right before he turned two months he passed away in his sleep and we were all devastated. Him being my brother in law's son, I was tasked with emotionally supporting everyone, including my young children, which I happily and dutifully accepted. However, it's been months, now, and people still occasionally ask how my mother in law, brother in law, and husband are doing... I'm glad to answer, but what about me? I don't want to sound self centered, but I am still in day-stopping, crippling emotional pain. I can't stand that they didn't get an autopsy. I can't stand that I didn't get to hold him more. Love him more.
I am hyper vigilant of my own kids, now. If my youngest naps a little longer than usual I cry and have to go wake him up because I'm terrified my son wont wake up. My husband sleeps soundly but I wake up most nights to check on my kids and cry some more.
I realize my anxiety is irrational but I can't talk myself out of it.
I'm emotionally and physically drained to the point that I've come to write a post to strangers just so SOMEONE knows I'm not doing as well as everyone wants and expects me to be.
Hi.

My deepest condolences I understand ur pain n hurt n numbness and it seems people are heartless and forget about us you grieve and don’t worry about what others expect of you I’m so tired of people telling me to move on my only daughter was killed on Memorial Day n my own mother acts like I’m not supposed to grieve so I get angry with so many people


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[Ashleys Mom]

I want to preface this with I am a mom of two but loved my nephew equally. I bought everything for him to come into the world and me adopting him was even discussed before he was born.
Doctors thought there would be serious medical issues when he was born and then he came out perfect... It feels like a cruel joke, now. Right before he turned two months he passed away in his sleep and we were all devastated. Him being my brother in law's son, I was tasked with emotionally supporting everyone, including my young children, which I happily and dutifully accepted. However, it's been months, now, and people still occasionally ask how my mother in law, brother in law, and husband are doing... I'm glad to answer, but what about me? I don't want to sound self centered, but I am still in day-stopping, crippling emotional pain. I can't stand that they didn't get an autopsy. I can't stand that I didn't get to hold him more. Love him more.
I am hyper vigilant of my own kids, now. If my youngest naps a little longer than usual I cry and have to go wake him up because I'm terrified my son wont wake up. My husband sleeps soundly but I wake up most nights to check on my kids and cry some more.
I realize my anxiety is irrational but I can't talk myself out of it.
I'm emotionally and physically drained to the point that I've come to write a post to strangers just so SOMEONE knows I'm not doing as well as everyone wants and expects me to be.
Hi.

You have every right to grieve ur nephew can be like your own child I know my brothers kids are like mines as well.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[ENCHANTING ANGELS]

On 5/7/2019 at 11:14 PM, Kbear10_99 said:

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the pain and grief your going through    I just also lost my nephew in a very cruel housefire.  Although we did get 23 years with him it is very hard.  I had my nephew pretty much his whole first year due to his older Brother being in and out of the hospital so we were also very close.   I don't think the grief stage has hit me yet because I'm still the one holding it together for My Sister and Our Mom.  I pray for peace and comfort for you and your Family.  I also hear you and Thank You for being the rock in your Familys time of grief.  Rather or not anyone acknowledges your grief, you must find a outlet for a way to grieve, so that it doesn't build and burst open causing more harm than good.  God Bless 

Sending so much love to you for your loss xx

[BlueGalaxy]

First let me offer my sincere condolences.  I really just wanted to pop in here to let you know that IMO your feelings are 100% appropriate, warranted, and rational.  You have as much right to your grief as anyone else, and please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  

I completely understand your anxieties, and firmly believe that those of us who have suffered a loss also suffer an awareness we may not have had previously.  My beautiful mama passed nearly two years ago and before it happened, I guess I had the naive mindset that when our loved ones become ill, we take them to the hospital and they get better.  Now I know that isn't always true, and that sometimes the worst can and does happen.  I find myself living in terror now of something happening to my dad, and many nights end up checking on him while he sleeps so I can be sure he's still alive and breathing.  I choose to believe that my anxieties are a completely normal part of grief and do my best not to let them consume me.

Please know that you are not alone.  Whether you've lost a parent, child, sibling, niece, nephew, or all of the above, there are a world of people who can and do relate.  I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and wish you well as you move forward!