Struggling to exist

[Chicklet]

 I lost my husband of 30 years at the age of 50. We were soul mates, best friends and life long partners. I've been told numerous times we had a REAL LIFE LOVE STORY. We were suppose to be together to the end but cancer had its own plan! We did EVERYTHING together and now that he's gone I'm finding it really really hard to be here. Dont get me wrong...I'm a very strong and independent women but, for some reason I find it super hard to move forward without him....Not to mention the hundreds of obstacles consistently in my way. Seems like ever since his passing everything that can go wrong IS going wrong.. on a non stop basis. I've always been a "brighter side of things" or a "everything happens for a better outcome" kind of person, but man oh man, if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all!!!..It sooo makes it hard to move forward. And as I've come to realize, if you cant move forward you cant heal....and THAT my friends is where I'm at!!!!  STUCK!!!.. Semi healed with no hope for the near or distant future. So I just spin my wheels over and over on a daily basis just waiting till my end comes...I just sometimes wonder how generations of people have gone thru this A-OK????

 

[JES]

@Chicklet  Welcome, but am also sorry you find yourself having to be here. I am sorry you lost your husband, your soulmate, best friend. I lost my husband Sept. 2018.  I understand how you are feeling, as I am there also.  I also want to think I am strong but it still brings me to my knees.  Its one of the hardest losses we will ever have,  we lost our love, every dream we had, our future, & just don't know how to go on alone.  I find coming to this forum helps me through each day as everyone is going through their own loss and they understand.  Sometimes just helps to have others who get it, as others in our personal life don't always understand and expect us to just get over it and move on.  Its a very long grief journey and its ok to be feeling the way you do,  very normal in our situation.  Most of us have a hard time functioning,  we have grief brain,  sadness, up and down emotions, and just plain don't know how to go forward. Little steps...not looking too far ahead, take it one day at a time.  Its not easy but life pulls us along. Please keep coming back to talk, vent, share.  The people here are kind, caring people,  who may offer little tips or just listen. We are all here for each other. Thinking of you.  Jeanne

[KayC]

I'm sorry for your loss, I doubt generations HAVE survived this okay...they just don't let on how they feel but it helps to have someone you can talk to that gets it, and that is the good part of finding a place like this.

I'm sorry you've had so much bad luck, I hope it comes to a halt soon so you can have some respite.  Lord knows just dealing with this loss is more than enough!  Our feelings can be all up and down.

You're at about eight months, they say around six months is one of the hardest times as it's when support dries up, reality sets in, it can vary from one person to another.  I still think that first day finding out was the hardest day of my life but shock was there to curb the blow some.

It's been almost 14 years for me, I don't know how it's been that long, just one day turned into another...the best advice I ever got was to take a day at a time and I try to do it still.  I wrote this article at about ten years out, from what I've learned, and I hope something in it will be helpful to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Jd2019]

Hi. I’ve been thinking the same, how in the world did people cope long ago. No power ,no tv ,no internet, no phone, lack of people, stuck on a farm, the next person miles away. Wow! I do feel blessed that I am able to have all these Percs and this life line. Hoping for you chicklet

[Billie Rae]

@Chicklet I'm so sorry that you are here,but this is the best forum everyone here has become my support my friends and the encouragement I need.They help me through the really bad days and cheer me on.Hopefully your luck will change,I've found it goes in spells,but as Kayc will say find one thing each day that brings you joy may it be a flower,good food or a cup of coffee and focus on that one thing.
Love to you
Billie



Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Sunflower2]

@Chicklet honor and respect that your life as you knew it has been completely shattered.  Your foundation is now sand.  It is not the foundation of brick that you independently had nor the foundation of brick you shared with your husband.  It is the hardest, most gut-wrenching, horrific, life-altering of things and emotions to live with.  You will find in your way, in your space and in your time ways that will work for you as you navigate through your grief.  Even in pain allow yourself to reach out if you feel this is what you need to do.  There are beautiful people and healing people in our universe.  Reach out wisely.  Be open to receive messages your loved one is sending. You are not stuck.  You are exactly where you need to be. Remember no timelines.  Support will be there.  There may be moments it will level off but it won't disappear. There will be moments you may not feel it is there but it will re-appear. New energy, new people will be there for you when you least expect it.  They will arrive in some form.  Allow yourself to be open to non grievers.  I have found amazing support and stabilizing energy even in "my darkest not going to make it through moments" from people who have not experienced a loss of a partner.  

My heart is with you. 

~Sunflower~

[ccoflove]

Welcome here Chicklet, im so sorry for your loss. It is soo hard to move forward after doing everything together and missing them all the time, 30 years is a lifetime together. I think about all the people walking around carrying this invisible wound of grief. You just never know what someone is going through. I always heard cliches about living life as you never know what can happen but until experiencing such a loss its meaning didnt fully sink in. I hope your luck changes, like KayC says grieving is enough on its own then to have all those obstacles to overcome. Be gentle on yourself and take time out as you need to rest your broken heart. We are here for you. Love, C

[foreverhis]

On 4/13/2019 at 12:39 PM, Chicklet said:

I'm a very strong and independent women but, for some reason I find it super hard to move forward without him

Welcome.  I am so sorry you find yourself here with us.  When I came here it was to try to find ways to cope with the desperate, life destroying grief and pain I was feeling.  That I found validation of everything I'd been feeling, thinking, and doing has been enormously helpful.  I've started to find tiny glimmers of light in a life I was sure would never be worth living again.  I'm still in the darkness most of the time, but those glimmers have given me a little bit of hope.

I have to ask you to give yourself a break when it comes to being strong.  No one can go through such a shattering loss and be strong.  No one.  And no one should expect us to be right now, not even ourselves.  Your life, your dreams, and your future together have been ripped away.  Grieving takes both time and energy.  It cannot be rushed and it cannot be ignored, not without consequences later.  I am trying to figure out how to live with my grief without letting it drag me down into permanent darkness.  I have no illusions that someday I'll be "finished."  I don't believe this kind of grief has an end, which is why we have to learn ways to cope with it.

My love and I married when I was 25 and had 35 years together before cancer took him away from me, our girls, and the people we love.  We were soulmates and best friends.  He was my everything.  Your story strikes many chords with me.  It's so hard to comprehend that we will not be together in this life now.  Moving forward isn't even on my radar at this point.  Living through each day is about as much as I can handle, not always very well.

One of the things I do is talk to my husband.  I tell him about things, I ask what I should do, and I tell him "I need you to come home now.  Why can't you come home?" (it's not denial; I know he can't, but my heart simply doesn't want to believe it).  I tell him how much I miss him and that I don't know what I'm supposed to do now, how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without him.  I don't know if he can hear me, but even if he can't, it helps me.  I miss him so much I can barely breathe sometimes.

On 4/13/2019 at 12:39 PM, Chicklet said:

I've always been a "brighter side of things" or a "everything happens for a better outcome" kind of person

I have always tried to be a positive person too.  The truth is that I simply don't see that there is a brighter side when it comes to losing my love.  Right now, I think you might want to focus on how best to take care of yourself without having to keep up "the brave face" or any sort of positive, sunny outlook.  This is especially important because you've had one bad thing after another.  There too, I understand.  Less than 2 months after my husband died, his favorite uncle (only about 11 years older than he was) died from a different cancer.  Then, my husband's sister, who we're very close to, almost died in an accident.  I get that it seems as if the entire universe is against you right now.  I have more than once looked up or out and said, "Oh come on.  How much more do you think we can take?  Enough!"

Please, don't try to force yourself to move forward or get over anything at this point.  Let yourself be "stuck" for a while.  You and I are still pretty new to all of this.  We need to allow ourselves time. 

My heart goes out to you.

[Pim]

Dear Chicklet,
I am so sorry for you. The loss is devastating. I can understand everything you wrote down. In an age where people easily reach 80, it is such a blow to be ripped out of life so early and he was only 50!? Truly, I think you are very brave and your hopelessness at this point in time is only natural. Actually, I am into this more than eight months now and although some days are better, there are still many unhappy days of crying, crying, crying.

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Please, don't try to force yourself to move forward or get over anything at this point.  Let yourself be "stuck" for a while.  You and I are still pretty new to all of this.  We need to allow ourselves time.

In this "stuckness" we are actually working very hard. This is why we are so tired all the time.

I am very grateful for the wonderful people like foreverhis and all the others here on this forum. It seems that everyone here had/has such a deep love. This is why it hurts so much.

Pim

[Brazil Man]

Hi @chicklet 

I also lived 30 years with my wife and I can say it's a lot of time, it's a history, a lifetime.
It's very hard to lose someone we lived together for such a long time. It's been more than 10 months since she passed away but I still suffer a lot.

Moises