I lost my mom

[katmaii]

Last week my mom died. I can't wrap my mind around it...how can my mom who I loved with all my heart be gone? I didn't know she was sick. We lived across the country from each other but I just was there in October and she looked fine. A friend called and told me he took her to the hospital with stomach pains and they found a grapefruit sized tumor in her abdomen that the dr was certain was cancer. I got the next flight out but by the time I got there she was on a ventilator and cold. Non responsive to me. She seemed like she was in pain. I asked for more morphine and to take her off the ventilator because of her living will. She died a few minutes later.

My heart is broken and I feel like my foundation is gone. Everything seems frightening and I cry all the time. I just don't know how to cope without my mom. I am 52 and she was 79 so I know I was lucky to have her as much as I did. I just wasn't ready because she was so vibrant and alive and participating in everything. She had a ton of friends. I didn't see this coming. I am so lost. Even lost for words to describe what I am feeling. God bless all who are grieving.

Susan

[amandalees]

Last week my mom died. I can't wrap my mind around it...how can my mom who I loved with all my heart be gone? I didn't know she was sick. We lived across the country from each other but I just was there in October and she looked fine. A friend called and told me he took her to the hospital with stomach pains and they found a grapefruit sized tumor in her abdomen that the dr was certain was cancer. I got the next flight out but by the time I got there she was on a ventilator and cold. Non responsive to me. She seemed like she was in pain. I asked for more morphine and to take her off the ventilator because of her living will. She died a few minutes later.

My heart is broken and I feel like my foundation is gone. Everything seems frightening and I cry all the time. I just don't know how to cope without my mom. I am 52 and she was 79 so I know I was lucky to have her as much as I did. I just wasn't ready because she was so vibrant and alive and participating in everything. She had a ton of friends. I didn't see this coming. I am so lost. Even lost for words to describe what I am feeling. God bless all who are grieving.

Susan

I know exactly what you are feeling. If you haven't read my last post, my mother died four months ago. It is really the most unreal thing you will ever imagine. Here is this person that is supposed to teach you everything you will ever know, and then one second she is gone. It is not easy and dont let anyone tell you it will be. Just know that there are people here who know exactly how you feel and can talk about it with you like no one else can. It seems like an impossible thing, to live without your mom. Surprisingly, you still have to keep going. My mom was in pain too. Don't ever forget that your mom was able to live for 79 good years, and even though it seems too short, she got to do so many good things. and you got to see so many of those for 52 years. It is the biggest mystery to me how good things can happen to such good people, and I am sure your mother was a great person. Its so unfair and so frustrating. I guess the one thing I've learned through all this, losing two important people in my life before I am 22, is that never let the people that you love go a day without knowing how much you love them. Maybe our mothers were sent to us to teach us that.

This poem has helped me so much since my mom died, I read it every day and it was on her memorial card...

When I Must Leave You

By Helen Steiner Rice

• When I must leave you for a little while-
• Please do not grieve and shed wild tears
• And hug your sorrow to you through the years.
• But start out bravely with a gallant smile;
• And for my sake and in my name
• Live on and do all things the same.
• Feed not your loneliness on empty days,
• But fill each waking hour in useful ways,
• Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer
• And I in turn will comfort you and hold you near;
• And never, never be afraid to die
• For I am waiting for you in the sky!

I am also getting this poem tattooed on me this week because I think it will be a good way to remember my mother:

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

god bless and we are all here when you need us

[katmaii]

Oh thank you so much Amanda. You can't know how much your kind words of encouragement helped me. I loved the poems. I am going to keep them in my grief journal. I can't imagine being without my mom who was the one I called when I didn't understand life. She always seemed to have an answer. I know she would tell me to get up and dust myself off and remember the fun times. She and I did have a lot of fun in our time together. But how do we live without our moms? The ones who were always there no matter what? The one person in the world you could count on.

I am going to read your other posts too.

God bless you Amanda and I hope your heart is healing a little each day.

Susan

[jackson0714]

Susan,

My Mom died on Feb. 10th. I understand every feeling that you are feeling. It is gut wrenching and sometimes I don't know how I am going to get through the day, but I do. There are times when I am in hysterics and times when I am at peace.

I have always dreaded the day that I would lose my Mother. She was the most beautiful gift and I am so greatful to be able to say that I am her daughter. I still dont know which way to turn half of the time. After all of the events were over and life got back to the "new" normal the numbness started wearing off and I wasn't sure what to do. I have moments of hysterics and moments of peace. Never know when the hysterics might pop up. I can be having a pretty good day and then bam! The gates open and the flood started rushing in. I understand that we are to believe that they are in a better place and will never feel pain again. I believe that to be true but it doesn't take the pain away from us. It is such a hard place to be in.

Yesterday I was at work and was feeling good about being so productive....all of the sudden I realized that my Mom was gone and I lost it. I guess you never know when it will happen. I thought I was in a good place and couldn't have a possibility of tears and then they started rolling. I understand. My Mom was 76 and I am 40, the youngest of 5. I live in DE. and my whole family live in TN. with the exception of my sister who lives in GA. My Mom and Dad have 12 Grandchildren.

I have been reaching out for help in any way that I can and saw your post on here and thought I would reach out because you are not alone.

I understand.

My Mom had many friends that she spoke to online and I wrote them all a letter the night that she died. I have pasted it in here so that you could see what happened.

This is what happened:

My Mom died on Feb. 10th. She had been in the hospital since Friday, the 4th of Feb. She had been struggling with Lung Cancer. She went to the Dr. for a follow up PET scan and it showed that the tumor had shrunk around 50%. In addition to the shrinkage they discovered that there was a mass in her small intestine that needed to be looked at further. They had scheduled her for exploratory surgery for Feb. 8th. I flew in on the 30th of January to help take care of her because she had been falling alot. I wanted to help keep her safe until surgery. We had a great week. She had declined from the last time I had seen her at Christmas. She could hardly walk and had to use a walker. She couldn't move in the bed. I had to get her in it and move her with a towel underneath because her precious body hurt so bad. Friday morning (4th) I had a hard time waking her up. She was very lethargic. I thought that she may have been worn out because she had been out and about the day prior for pre-op. I finally got her up around 10 am because she needed to be upright for a while as I was concerned about pneumonia. I got her up and we went to the kitchen and had a cup of coffee. She was falling asleep at the table. I was afraid she was going to fall so I got her back in bed. Shortly after I got her situated the phone rang. It was the Surgeons Drs office telling me that some of her pre-op blood work had come back abnormal. Her Bun, potassium and White counts were elevated. They told me that the DR wanted her to come in Monday to repeat the test. I hung up the phone and called a friend of ours that works in her primary care Drs office. I told her what was going on and waited for her to make some phone calls. She called me back and said that her primary care DR wanted her to go to the ER. My Father & I got her in the car and went. She was admitted. Her body hurt so bad and she was simply miserable. They ran more blood work. Her blood pressure was so low, 85/52. They worked on getting that up. They were concerned that she was becoming septic. Her kidneys were possibly shutting down. She had pneumonia. They kept fluids going and started giving her morphine. The pulmonary Dr said they he wanted to do a broncoscopy because he thought that she may have mucas plugs in her lungs that were blocking some passageways. And/or the tumor that she had was possibly growing backwards out of her lung. She was already not in a position to make this decision on her own. As a family we decided that just that procedure was going to be too hard on her. We didn't want her to go through that, let alone the surgery. By Tuesday they had put her on a constant flow of morphine for pain. She was only getting worse by the day. For 3 nights she was unable to speak to her family. We know that she heard us though...We prayed over her Thursday night as a family and we know that she heard us. The morning that she died we woke up and noticed that Momma's feet were very cold but the rest of her body was extremely warm. It happened so fast. I went to get breakfast for my Aunt and sister. Got the food, got in the car and my phone rang. It was my sister telling me to get back quick. The car wouldn't start. I was flipping out. Then I got to the hospital and the elevators wouldn't open. I was in shear panic. I got finally there and everyone was sobbing. I threw the food and ran to her. She was still breathing and I told her to keep moving forward and don't look back. I told her that we would all be fine and not to worry. I told her that I was happy for her because I knew that she would never be in pain again. I saw her take her last breath. I will always that she or someone made the car not start & elevators not move because she was going through a very stressing period. When I got to her room she was at peace.

[katmaii]

Oh Carolann, your words sound so familiar. I could have written it myself. Some days are "OK" and others I just can't stop crying. I am desperate to find some sort of peace around this.I know she was 79 but I just can't imagine life without her. She was the one I always called when I didn't understand life. I want to ask her so badly how to handle THIS. I know what she would say though, she would say "You take it day by day and you remember the good times". But that is hard advice for me now. I want to dream about her and I don't. I've read about people whose loved ones talked to them and comforted them in their dreams and I wish so much that would be how it was for me. You are lucky to have siblings. I am an only child. My husband is wonderful and I have great kids, but ohmigod I miss my mom. I just got her ashes today and I just about lost it.

Your last moments with your mom sound like mine. When I made the decision to remove the ventilator and give her more morphine, she settled down (she looked like she was in pain before) but then after awhile her breathing started to slow. I saw her take her last breath and the light leave her eyes. The nurse said "She is gone", and a part of my life was over.

Maybe our moms are together talking in heaven.

God bless. Write me anytime.

Susan

[jackson0714]

Susan,

I don't think there has ever been a time in my life when I have felt this way. You know as we grow up, we think our parents are invincible and untouchable. They will always be there. Well I guess we were wrong. Why can't they live forever? I am so glad you were there with her whe she left. You will always remember that. It is hard but there is no doubt. You saw her body become 100% peaceful.

I have read 90 minutes in Heaven and The Shack in the last 2 weeks and they have helped me somewhat. I just want to hear that there is a heaven and that Momma is happy. They may help you too. I am now reading Angel Song and is very good also. I actually hate to read books because they put me to sleep so I do audio books. I guess I am reaching out to anything and everything uplifting right now. I hope that you will consider getting these books because they are very helpful to your mentality. At least they were to me.

I am working on a dedication book to Momma right now. Even though it may be hard to see pictures, watch videos, etc, I am surrounding myself with them. I don't know whether it is helpful or not but I can't let go yet. It makes me feel close to her. Do you have a Hospice near you? I may go talk to someone there also. My partner's father died in July and they have helped her so much with his death. They are so real and somehow know just what to say.

I am so glad that I reached out to you. You need to have time alone to cry, cry, cry or just reflect, reflect, reflect....It is very important. I will keep you in my prayers tonight. Hang in there. Write back anytime.

[janebc]

Dear Susan and all who are grieving - I lost my Mother a year ago. She was my compass, my advisor, and so much more. We shared many interests (cooking, needlework, art) and she was my confidante. It has been very difficult to be without my best friend - and the person who connected me to my brothers and sisters - and like you, I'm not sure what to do with it. In this time, I've missed my regular calls with her; her advice; her humor. I have kept pretty much every lovely funny little note and/or recipe she has ever sent me, and they bring me joy. I guess what I wanted to share with you is that there will be joy - it will take some time, but to my surprise I find myself laughing and sharing her spirit with others. It takes time to say 'my Mom said' or "She would love this' or some such - not a sentimental wishing, not with sadness, but with a certain love and pride that she gave me what I needed, and what I still need. I pray for your comfort - and know that all your wonderful memories and the love you had can be shared - even a source of strength. Thank you for the opportunity to share with you - and know that it will get better. I wish you peace. Jane

[katmaii]

Carol: I am doing the same thing you are...reading books that give me a peace that she is happy and safe. I will get the two that you recommended. I am reading "Blessings from the Other Side" but only a small part of it deals with grief. The author says that she knows 100% that there is a peaceful happy life that our loved ones are leading but it still doesn't help her grief when someone close to her dies. She says we grieve for ourselves and what we lost but we don't have to worry about them because they are surrounded by love, light and bliss. I don't know why...but I feel almost like she is missing and no one is looking for her except me.

I have so much more to say but I have to get to work and I won't be home until late. One blessing is that I am super busy at work and will work 12 hours at least today. Keeps my mind occupied. I hope you have a day surrounded by your mom's love and comfort. I am praying and sending you peace.

Jane: thank you for your words of encouragement. I think we need to know that it won't always be like this. It sure feels that way.

Susan

[agnaq111809]

Thank-you Susan for making me feel I'm not the only one worrying about my mother, who passed away in Nov. 2009. She had been diagnosed with lung cancer. I am not sure even to this day that she's gone. I do have moments where I cry and those are when I go thru times I used to do things with her. It is my hope that we shall be together again someday.I know this sounds 'bizarre' but I was just thinking of my Pomeranian and when I took her home, taking her away from her mother. But I became her 'mother'. And I love her so much. So God is taking very good care of her, my mother. I know that she's not in pain anymore. I thank God for our mothers. Quyanaq.

[katmaii]

Thank-you Susan for making me feel I'm not the only one worrying about my mother, who passed away in Nov. 2009. She had been diagnosed with lung cancer. I am not sure even to this day that she's gone. I do have moments where I cry and those are when I go thru times I used to do things with her. It is my hope that we shall be together again someday.I know this sounds 'bizarre' but I was just thinking of my Pomeranian and when I took her home, taking her away from her mother. But I became her 'mother'. And I love her so much. So God is taking very good care of her, my mother. I know that she's not in pain anymore. I thank God for our mothers. Quyanaq.

Quyanaq,

It IS nice to know we aren't alone with our fears and thoughts. Thank you for validating that. Yes, we have to trust and believe that we will see our moms again someday!!!! This keeps me going, believing that this life is only a prelude to a glorious reunion. I am glad you have your little Pom to love. I am sure she loves you dearly. Our moms are happy and healthy now. God bless you and everyone here.

Susan