Still hard to believe

[ccoflove]

I was in our bedroom sitting on the loveseat looking at our bed and the realization came he will never be back to lay in our bed again. Its so strange, after 5 months of crying daily you would think I would know that but it still doesnt feel real sometimes. How can a person just vanish like that? 

I dont know how to live without him and with this crippling lonileness. Sometimes I think I will be ok alone but really its no way to live. How do you make friends when your emotionally a mess so much of the time?  Even people I thought were  friends dont want to be around. One friend ghosted and told me by text she would see me at a happier, brighter place in the future! Its not like I even displayed my grief to her. 

There is no relief, I go to work all week and am so ready for the weekend to relax but then when it comes its torturous. Plus there is just so much to do that he use to take care of I get overwhelmed. Driving to our house 3 hrs away, the softit is falling down, rooftiles have blown off, the ceiling in the dining room needs drywall, the grass is getting high and someone stole the battery out of the riding motor while I was working during the week. The basement is full of stuff to sort through, stuff of value I hate to just get rid of but is a lot to deal with. I am just one person! How am I suppose to do it all alone? After a couple days of that Im ready to go back to work just to be distracted and around people. Repeat. 

My loves son and his gf live nearby but I was told his gf "has a problem with me" and not to come around! I never did anything to her. I think it has more to do with jealousy over property but he told me she thinks Im going to try and steal him (My bfs son!). So the closest family I have on his side has been estranged. I dont know how someone can be so compassionateless. 

This forum is a lifeline to others who understand. Sorry I just need to vent. Thanks for listening.

[JES]

@ccoflove  I feel your pain, try to go easy on yourself ( I know, easier said than done)  These feelings just hit us, we miss them, we have no control over our mind anymore.  Is very sad that most friends and others turn away from us. No need to feel rushed meeting new people, it will happen when its meant to be, sometimes unexpectedly.  As for going through stuff,  if your not having to move or immediate need,  it can wait until you feel you can do it.   I also feel overwhelmed at doing it all myself,  my basement and his den full yet.   I've just decided it will have to wait,  Im not ready yet.  I also have the "other house" issue,   (cottage) for me,  90 miles away.  So far,  our snowy weather hasnt allowed grass to grow.  Im not sure what I will find when I finally get up there...but Im determined, somehow it' ll work out.  Mabbe you could find a local handyman who wouldn't charge alot to do repairs and someone to cut grass until you could figure it out.  Sometimes the smaller businesses can give you names or numbers of people they trust...or a neighbor there might want to help out if you ask them, even to cut grass for now.  We have a neighbor by cottage who checks on it, and cut grass afew times when he knew Kevin wasn't well.  He even shoveled off roof when he saw deep snow.  If your like me, I hate to ask but find that there are people we hardly know, who are more than willing to help.  There still are good people out there.  I am sorry you find yourself in situation with his sons girlfriend,  this seems so cruel at a time like this. We are all here to listen and try to help, I get it...we all get it.....hoping you can work it out and get alittle peace of mind. Sending love. Jeanne

[Brazil Man]

18 hours ago, ccoflove said:

How can a person just vanish like that? 

Yes, how can a person slip away from our lives ? I and my wife used to talk, to walk in the park, we built a history together. Now I just can't believe that she is gone.

[ccoflove]

Thank you @JES for your kindness and understanding. Before youve lost someone you loved deeply its hard to know the depths of emotions that swell inside you. I will do a little at time as I can like you suggested. Thank you for the advice. It seems if I am going to sell the house Spring is the time to list it, Im not sure I want to yet but it is a lot of expense and responsibility for something I dont live at full time and going there is not the same anymore. I live a modest existence on a sailboat most the time so downsizing the house stuff to fit is not possible. Its all just material things that I shouldnt be attached to. The sons gf hasnt said anything directly to me but he has let me know her feelings and was warning me to avoid conflict. Its just unnecessary drama. He doesnt agree with her and is as supportive as much as he can be. Thanks so much Jeanne for sharing your thoughts, I am sorry we share this pain in common. Love to you.

@Brazil Man So much history in the lives we build together that it seems unfathomable they arent here to continue on with us. It is a process of waking up to the reality daily and realizing once again to accept this painful reality. 

 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, ccoflove said:

Sorry I just need to vent. Thanks for listening.

And that is okay!  We're here, we're listening.  I don't know how people can be how they are sometimes.  I've had my share with my DIL and it's been tough, I try to show respect to her, be supportive of their relationship, but she's made it tough over the years.  I try to take the high road.  What else can we do?

You speak of the other side of the bed...I took to sleeping in a recliner, I couldn't face our bed alone, too hard.  Couldn't get rid of it either.  We're in a quandary.

[Billie Rae]

ccoflove,go slow,I have to move and my husband was a hoarder so our basement is scary and I was overwhelmed,but strangers I talked to out of the blue stepped up to help,they bought what they wanted and sorted out a lot for me to sell or take to the dump.Then my step daughter had someone come and see if my shack was worth selling so it all worked itself out.I hate that your guys sons gf is being horrible to you that's the last thing we need is drama.I used to live on a sailboat in Portland and loved the liveaboard life,we all helped each other and had some nice times
Love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[ccoflove]

Thank you @Billie Rae, its hard to let go of so much over and over so going slow is a good idea. My lovey was a little bit of a hoarder too but thats because he was so good fixing things he knew he could get good use out of stuff and wouldnt let it go to waste.  We didnt pay much for things that way. I bet your Charlie and my Chris would get along, two grey beards that like to build things. Sorting out trash seems like the first and easiest step. Then selling the bigger things I have no need for and go from there with the harder decisions little by little. Livingaboard is a fun and adventurous lifestyle with like minded community of people whlike you said help one another. Its nice to learn you did that too in Portland. Its what Ive know most my adult life, but I was begining to like landlubbing and having a home base for the future. Dont know if I will ever afford the opportunity to have a house again.

You are right @KayC about taking the high road is all you can do, its what I know my love would do. This whole situation we find ourselves in is a quandry. I cant imagine a recliner being too comfortable, whatever works for us. I had trouble adjusting to going back to sleeping on foam boat cushions after a matress for so long, its all an adjustment. 

[karo92]

On 4/9/2019 at 9:19 AM, ccoflove said:

I was in our bedroom sitting on the loveseat looking at our bed and the realization came he will never be back to lay in our bed again. Its so strange, after 5 months of crying daily you would think I would know that but it still doesnt feel real sometimes. How can a person just vanish like that? 

I dont know how to live without him and with this crippling lonileness. Sometimes I think I will be ok alone but really its no way to live. How do you make friends when your emotionally a mess so much of the time?  Even people I thought were  friends dont want to be around. One friend ghosted and told me by text she would see me at a happier, brighter place in the future! Its not like I even displayed my grief to her. 

There is no relief, I go to work all week and am so ready for the weekend to relax but then when it comes its torturous. Plus there is just so much to do that he use to take care of I get overwhelmed. Driving to our house 3 hrs away, the softit is falling down, rooftiles have blown off, the ceiling in the dining room needs drywall, the grass is getting high and someone stole the battery out of the riding motor while I was working during the week. The basement is full of stuff to sort through, stuff of value I hate to just get rid of but is a lot to deal with. I am just one person! How am I suppose to do it all alone? After a couple days of that Im ready to go back to work just to be distracted and around people. Repeat. 

My loves son and his gf live nearby but I was told his gf "has a problem with me" and not to come around! I never did anything to her. I think it has more to do with jealousy over property but he told me she thinks Im going to try and steal him (My bfs son!). So the closest family I have on his side has been estranged. I dont know how someone can be so compassionateless. 

This forum is a lifeline to others who understand. Sorry I just need to vent. Thanks for listening.

Wow, this is how dense and overwhelming grieve is! 

Starting with: we never accept they are gone. Just like that. Like: puff! Magic! No more! Never again! At first year I used to think he was at work, or he was out there, and he was coming back any time soon, I used to get online at Battle net (videogame platform in which we used to play together) and just stared for hours at his name waiting for him to get online, but it never happened. Also a couple of days ago, like a week or so, I was re-reading our whatsapp conversations, and reality hit me saying: He was real, we -together- were real, tragedy was -and still is- real. It kinda felt like I was so deep in a "numbness" state and reading his words brought me back to the awful reality I have to live with. As I said, time change things but what changes is the way we sorrow, the way we grieve, not as vivid, but deeper. I don´t know if I can express myself clear enough.

Yes, loneliness is so weird, is hard to explain how everything was easier with them by our side. I even struggle with doing the simple things, not because we depend on them, but because love makes us both whole. Mario used to tell me: it is OK to say we need each other, and that's because I love you and with you everything is easier, better!. He thought me love was simple, basic, it was OK to love, to need, to miss, to joy and to share happiness. My best advice? Live today, we don't know about tomorrow, don't overwhelm yourself with all that is there to do, make yourself a simple do to list: "get up, get a shower, go to work, do the dishes, hire someone to clean the yard" and that's it, don't put too much pressure on you, it is ok going easy on you.

Death takes the better and worst from people, just don't put too much mind on it, not worthy

We are here for you

[Billie Rae]

@Karo92 well said,and yes in grief we need to care for ourselves as our immune system is low and receptors are open to illness and we don't have the strength or desire to fight it off.And the simple lists are a lifesaver it's how I get through each day,but it's okay to alter them,one more thing@ccoflove it's okay to take a day for NOTHING just rest,cry and hot bath.You need it(and I'm hyperactive)but I make sure to have some me time for mindless stuff.The world can wait one day for me.
Love you all
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[ccoflove]

Thank you @karo92, I really need to hear and keep reminding myself to take one day at a time. Acceptance is hardest and may never come as the shock is too much. Yes, everything was much easier knowing they were there for us. You have a nice way of expressing your grief, i do understand. 

@billie rae mindless day of rest is what i need, the mind is overactive and anxious trying to balance a life made for two and work out a new plan for my life. Direction is helpful for finding purpose and happiness again but it doesnt all have to be known at once, i need to trust that the path will open up as I go. Thank you for all your advice.

Love C

[KayC]

My loveseat recliner is very comfortable, I actually breathe better in it (I have Asthma and allergies), it was bought for us to sit together and hold hands...I don't know why I find comfort in it but not in our bed, but grief doesn't have to make logical sense.

Billie Rae, my sister almost lived on a houseboat in Portland but they found out the planes flew overhead so opted out.  Beautiful area!

[JES]

@KayC  Mabbe the loveseat was a comfort as you shared so many good memories there.  I sit in Kevins recliner at times just to feel closer to him.             @ccoflove  I love boats, being on water,  living on a boat sounds exciting and fun....but of course without your love there now, how can you enjoy anything?  I'm left with a 20ft. pontoon, but will have to sell, too much for me to handle alone,  it will be hard to let go though.  Love to all. Jeanne

[karo92]

On 4/11/2019 at 7:08 AM, ccoflove said:

Thank you @karo92, I really need to hear and keep reminding myself to take one day at a time. Acceptance is hardest and may never come as the shock is too much. Yes, everything was much easier knowing they were there for us. You have a nice way of expressing your grief, i do understand. 

There will be some days in which we accept it and will be other in denial, is not a permanent state in which we fully accept this, but some days absence lesser due to the numbness state we start to live, some other days absence rise a fire and burns every fiber of our body and we can not accept this is happening to us.

And yes, as @Billie Rae says, some days we just need to lay down in our bed and shut our eyes and do nothing, is part of it. 

[Heidi lynn]

My husband left me 16mos.ago and he wants a divorce after 25yrs of being together and being married almost 19yrs. We never fought, we got along great, we loved each other, but I believe money became a factor, and I went through a gambling stage where that took a toll on our marriage. I don't do it anymore, I have changed, when he left, he changed, he said the separation was to find himself, well, he never made no attempt to work on us, I'm the one who put in 110% to try to make this marriage work, I want him back, I cry everyday, he was my best friend, he was my husband. I am totally lost without him, we talk, but not everyday, and he's short and to the point. I asked him if we could get back together and he said no, it's time to move on. That breaks my heart, the love we once shared, I thought was unbreakable. At first I thought it was a mid life crisis, because when we first met, he walked inot an already made family, we share one son together, but I have 4 other children and I am 6 yrs older then he is. He has changed completely and I don't know this person. I've begged him to give us another chance but he said were damaged. Well, damaged things can be fixed right? We've filed for bankruptcy, and soon it will be divorce, his terms not mine, I don't want this to end. He recently went back to school and will graduate in June. He is going to be an inspector,  I'm happy for him, but on the same token, he's erasing me out of his life. He said he loves me, but is not in love with me, I said people fall in and out of love all the time, but that shouldn't be grounds to end things with us. He said he'll still be in my life but not the way I want him to be, I told him I don't want to be his friend if I can't be his wife, it's too hard.. I'm so very much in love with him, we shared a lot of memories together, and everyday is a constant reminder of them. He left me the house and all the bills with it, I'm struggling to make ends meet, and I still work a lot of hours. Everyday I pray that that day won't come, the end of us, the end of our marriage, I'm holding on to an invisible string.... I don't know how to go on from this....  

[KayC]

@Heidi lynn  You might want to post this here: https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/forum/40-divorce-or-ending-of-a-relationship-not-related-to-a-physical-loss/

This is a section for loss due to death, the link above is a section due to break up or divorce.  I'm very sorry, I've been there as well...