Poisonous Thoughts

[GrievingSoul]

My thoughts are particularly torturous tonight. I’m trying everything in my power not to think about my love in the fashion that I’ve been reflecting on him lately, but I can’t. All I can think of is his body so far below the ground, restricted by the confines of his dark, rectangular prison. I have begun to ponder the possible visible changes to his appearance. Is he still in perfect condition, or has he begun to deteriorate in some areas? What Earthly inhabitants have invaded my love’s final resting place? Is he cold and alone down there all by himself? Has he finally awakened, and is horrified by where he’s residing? Is he trying to get out, but no one is there to hear him, and now he’s trapped? These questions and scenarios are infinite tonight.

 

I always thought our love was magical, and without limitations. After his diagnosis of advanced pancreatic cancer,  I was confident that I could love him out of his illness. I held on to this belief until the very end. And I’m pretty sure had the roles been reversed, he would have thought the same thing. We were always each other’s superheros; whatever either one of us couldn’t or didn’t want to do, the other person would take on that duty. It was a beautiful partnership. We always saved each other from headaches and depression. We always wanted to make each other’s life as easy and stress free as possible, so much so that today when I was having an awful time, I actually expected him to come and relieve me of my stressors. It was such a disappointment and a painful reminder of my reality when he didn’t show. I hate my new life without him. Once you’ve found your soulmate, you’re no longer whole without them, and I can feel the emptiness and his absence everyday, and it only intensifies in the most stressful moments in my life. I miss him so much. I don’t know how people have lived for years with this level of grief. 

[Billie Rae]

@GreivingSoul,I feel so heartbroken for you.know that it's his vessel that was buried not his soul or spirit,they are around you and in you.To lose the one who made you whole,it's the worst we can face.Know that I am with you in heart my friend.Do something gentle and kind for yourself tonight,maybe a hot bath or soft music.
One moments peace to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

Yes, his spirit is not in his body, it is merely his vessel that gave out.  Praying for consoling thoughts to come your way.

[foreverhis]

16 hours ago, GrievingSoul said:

I was confident that I could love him out of his illness.

Yep, me too.  When my husband was in the hospital, I brought him things from home every day.  One day when I was giving him some home made applesauce to eat, his nurse said something like, "That really helps him so much."  And I will never forget my reply:  "I am going to get him better through sheer force of will."  Every day I bargained, I begged, I sobbed, and I asked for it to be me instead.  I was so sure that we'd make it through this challenge as we had made it through every other one.  We were together, we loved, and love should be stronger than anything in the universe.

 

16 hours ago, GrievingSoul said:

Once you’ve found your soulmate, you’re no longer whole without them, and I can feel the emptiness and his absence everyday, and it only intensifies in the most stressful moments in my life. I miss him so much. I don’t know how people have lived for years with this level of grief. 

This is the truth that those who have either not found their soulmate or not gone through this loss can possibly comprehend.  And because our society sucks at understanding or handling death and grief, we're left on our own trying to navigate these dark, stormy times.  I tell my love that when I've finished all the "stuff" that has to be done to make things easier for our daughter, he needs to come get me to be with him because I cannot imagine living 20 or 30 years without him.  Honestly, I don't want that anymore because he's not here to share them with me.

My sister-in-law (husband's sister, who we're very close to) had said many times that she envies what we had because, while she loves her husband, they have never had that soul-deep connection she could see my husband and I had.  But the price we pay for that love is what we are living through now.  I'd still jump in heart first, even knowing that.  But I'd do better, be more understanding and kinder and just more of the things that made him happy and that made us happy together. 

Sometimes I think that I'm being punished for all my faults and foibles by having the one thing that could break me taken away.  But then I ask myself how that could be, how it could be possible that my love would be made to suffer for my faults.  No God I want to believe in would do that, ever.

Almost everyone in our families on both sides chooses cremation.  It's what my husband and I wanted as well.  So my love sits in a handsome leather cylinder on top of our entertainment center.  I tell everyone, only half jokingly, that "it's so he can keep an eye on me."  There's a wonderful casual (lousy quality) picture of him with our beloved granddaughter that I framed and put in front of him.  I took it only a few months before we got his diagnosis and it's beautiful.  Other people have commented that they can practically feel the love shining out from it as the two of them looked toward me when I took it.  It's true.

The torturous feelings and images you are having are not unusual.  My images and thoughts aren't quite the same, of course, but I have them every day and night.  It's one reason I've stopped trying to just "go to bed" in our bed, at least for now.  I toss and turn and can't shut off my busy, busy brain as I go through everything I could have done differently over 35 years that would have led to a different "now."  I'm afraid there's no magic cure for us, except maybe that time will ease those horrors and allow us to bring back in the images and moments that were wonderful and loving and happy.  That's what I'm hoping for down the road, if only I can make it through this painful journey alone.

I'm sending you hugs and love that tonight you find a little peace and comfort.  You are not alone when you are here.

[Pim]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes, his spirit is not in his body, it is merely his vessel that gave out.  Praying for consoling thoughts to come your way.

Dear Kay, I understand what you want to convey, but I don't think the word merely is applicable here. It was this vessel that enabled GrievingSoul to interact with the person who is now gone. I also hope that the soul and the memories (because you need both I think) are somewhere alive and well, but boy, how I miss Rob's bodily presence. I have always been a very tactile person and to live without Rob's hugs, Rob's kisses, well, it's hard.

[JES]

@GrievingSoul  I too, had horrid thoughts, he was cremated but still, so many thoughts go through your mind, I try not to think of it but our mind still goes there. I also have Kevins ashes in a nice container, he wanted them spread at a place he loved most, I can't do it yet.  I don't want him alone out there. Our minds go everywhere, so sad.  Wishing you alittle peace.  Jeanne

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Pim said:

I understand what you want to convey, but I don't think the word merely is applicable here. It was this vessel that enabled GrievingSoul to interact with the person who is now gone.

I didn't intend to imply that it was something insignificant at all!  I know that their physical presence being gone changes everything for us!  I of all people know that, I've lived it 14 years.  What I mean is that the only thing that happened the day my husband died is his physical body gave out...his love continues, his spirit still exists, what we have between us exists still, but of course that one thing changes everything for me!  One thing happened and it changed my whole world as I know it!

When I say "merely" I mean HIS LOVE FOR ME DID NOT CHANGE!  IT DIDN'T CHANGE WHO HE IS!  IT DIDN'T CHANGE WHAT WE MEAN TO EACH OTHER!  HE DIDN'T CHOOSE TO LEAVE ME!  It was a physical happening only...I'm sorry that that one thing alone changed so much for our lives...it did.  It sure did.