Painful Realizations

[GrievingSoul]

Yesterday was a day of painful realizations and truths. For the duration of our relationship, my love insisted that most men that we associated with weren’t our friends at all, and all of that manifested into a reality yesterday. My loved used to always say, “Men aren’t a woman’s friend; they’re just someone waiting patiently for their turn,” and boy, were those words so true. I could not believe how quickly our male companions made their “ulterior motives” blatantly clear. It hasn’t even been 2 weeks since I laid my love to rest, and most have already made advances towards me. I am just utterly heartbroken and disgusted. I’m grieving, but that seems to be irrelevant to them. And the kicker is they really expect me not to talk about his death already!!! “Move on. What’s done is done. We can’t change the past” are usually the basic context of their “comforting words.” This really put me back in a slump after having progressed over the past few days. All those years we spent “making friends” feels wasted. I am just so hurt, and miss my love that much more. Our relationship sheltered me from all of the vultures, and not that he’s gone, there seem to be a surplus of them. All of my girlfriends are always preoccupied with motherly duties that they typically can’t accomodate me in the manner in which I desire, which hurts me so much. I am just hurting so badly right now, and I feel like there’s no one to turn to. 

[TAM1]

I'm here, as are many others in this group.  My relationship also sheltered me from so very much, as yours also did and the realization is just beginning to set in for you even in this short time since your loss.  After Len passed, all of those friends we had made over the years showed up suddenly with intentions that I had no use for - so I ran them off over a period of a few months.  You are grieving and in pain and it's ok to pull back, grieve your loss, and lovingly care for yourself. 

 

[GrievingSoul]

@TAM1 Thank you so much for your support. This is the very place I turn to when I’m at my lowest, and today is one of those days. I’ve already cried to my love about this, and I’ve wished some terrible things on our “friends” that I probably shouldn’t have. And the worst part is that they’re mostly his age (40’s-50’s), so I would think they would have matured and have ceased this type of senseless, juvenile behavior. They are so disrespectful to my love, it’s revolting. I just wish all of this was a dream. I feel so alone and vulnerable in this world right now. Losing your companion is single handedly one of the worse things that could possibly happen to anyone. 

[JES]

@GrievingSoul  I think your love had a good idea what these male friends were really like... it just seems like such a lack of respect for him.  I don't think every male is this way,  I know some single men that are not like this but then there are always those that will take advantage when we are the most vulnerable.  It seems like another man, or woman is the last thing we want at this time or even in the future. I do understand how hard to be alone, missing even their voice and wanting a friend (even male) in your case to lean on, to talk about him with or even help with decisions.  I remember feeling that way but am so glad now I didn't. I still avoid single males I know, or those asking if they can help shovel snow or whatever, I tell them no thanks, I can handle it.  I' m so afraid if they do help, they will have some kind of expectation. Its tough, we had married friends but I cant borrow those guys either without feeling strange.  So sometimes we only have relatives who may or not be close, or our female friends who are busy with their own lives. Therefore we spend alot of time alone, or sometimes end up with totally new friends who show us more understanding.  Its just a tough road but we do gradually find little moments of strength, and learn to make decisions and somewhat adjust no matter how hard. I talk on phone or come here, and it helps me alot to know other peoples thoughts and feelings,  just to know I am never alone and that we all care about each other.  I am no where near being at the end of this journey but can find alittle comfort to help me through. Thinking of you and sending love. Jeanne

[KayC]

23 hours ago, GrievingSoul said:

Yesterday was a day of painful realizations and truths. For the duration of our relationship, my love insisted that most men that we associated with weren’t our friends at all, and all of that manifested into a reality yesterday. My loved used to always say, “Men aren’t a woman’s friend; they’re just someone waiting patiently for their turn,” and boy, were those words so true. I could not believe how quickly our male companions made their “ulterior motives” blatantly clear. It hasn’t even been 2 weeks since I laid my love to rest, and most have already made advances towards me. I am just utterly heartbroken and disgusted. I’m grieving, but that seems to be irrelevant to them. And the kicker is they really expect me not to talk about his death already!!! “Move on. What’s done is done. We can’t change the past” are usually the basic context of their “comforting words.” This really put me back in a slump after having progressed over the past few days. All those years we spent “making friends” feels wasted. I am just so hurt, and miss my love that much more. Our relationship sheltered me from all of the vultures, and not that he’s gone, there seem to be a surplus of them. All of my girlfriends are always preoccupied with motherly duties that they typically can’t accomodate me in the manner in which I desire, which hurts me so much. I am just hurting so badly right now, and I feel like there’s no one to turn to. 

I am so sorry!  I would kick these XXXX (can't say it) to the curb!  They are not your friends.  Of course others who haven't been through this can't get what you're going through but anyone with a lick of brains should know you do not make a move on a newly grieving widow, let alone tell her she should move on!

I hope you have a friend or sister somewhere that you can talk to.  We're so vulnerable in early grief and we desperately need someone to talk to, at least I did...and that is when all our friends disappeared!  

You can always come here.  And it might help you to try a grief support group...there are people there going through the same thing.  In our grief support group, we've become close and check on each other, have developed friendships.

[foreverhis]

On 4/7/2019 at 10:42 AM, GrievingSoul said:

My loved used to always say, “Men aren’t a woman’s friend; they’re just someone waiting patiently for their turn,” and boy, were those words so true.

What a horrible thing you are facing, knowing that these so called friends are exactly like your love thought they were.  It's disgusting, to say the least, that anyone would behave that way. 

Now that you know for sure, I'm sure you'll dump them right out of your life.  But you do need a support system.  This is a good place to find one in the virtual world.  Are there any spouse/partner support groups in your area?  I suggest you call your local hospitals and hospice organizations.  They generally will have either referrals or groups that are linked to them.  It usually doesn't matter if you had any connection to them before now.  What you need are people who understand your grief and your experiences, but who will not take advantage, hurt, or judge you.

It makes me incredibly sad to know that you have no men in your life you can count on to be true friends.  It also reminds me of how lucky I am that I do.  So I have to say that in one way your love was, well, wrong.  Not all men are like that.  Don't get me wrong, I've known my fair share of (can't say the words here) in my life.  And I have no doubt that the men in our/my life don't exactly find me hideous.  Still, not one of them has made the slightest move in that direction.  Well, okay, five are married to our female friends, but two are single (divorced) and just a bit older than I am (closer to my husband's age).  Both of them have been nothing but kind and supportive.  One lives right next door, so he'd certainly have the opportunity to be a jerk on a regular basis.  In fact, I invited him over for supper one night last month because he'd been really helpful with a few chores.  We had an okay time.  We talked a bit about this and that, including our lives, and he listened, really listened, when I talked about my husband and our life.  Not once did he even "give me the eye."  I would have been surprised if he had.  But if he had, all I would have had to do is tell one of our friends and they would have set him straight.  That is a real comfort to me.

I have no interest in meeting anyone new and I know I never will, but it's nice to know that I have a few strong, kind men I can call on for help with no other expectations than friendship.

My heart hurts for you knowing that these men have added another layer of agony and grief to what you are already feeling.  Please come here as much as you can because you know you will find people who understand, support, and want to help.

[KayC]

My daughter is going through hell with her husband...he is alcoholic and ever since he started drinking has changed completely into someone mean and uncaring...this from a loving devoted spouse...she's been going through this for a few years now but now he's trying to kick her out of her home.  I remember her telling me how hard this is going to make it to trust anyone.  She said she would think all men are bad except she still has one shining example, her brother.  Every time she starts to feel that way, she thinks of her brother, who has the highest character and the best heart of anyone I know.  

When people like you have mentioned above start to destroy your trust in men, remember your husband.  No, they aren't all like that.  It behooves us to ferret out which kind of person a man is and to know whether we can or cannot trust the one before us.  If something doesn't sound right, it probably isn't!

[TAM1]

My heart goes out to you and your daughter and I sense that she has been "cowed" and is fearful of her husband.  He has also been manipulating her worst fears and insecurities by threatening her with losing her home.  It is also her home though I don't know the circumstances or what state she lives in with regard to property or legal and material resources she has available.  I've been in this position myself and when things turn inside-out, I look to myself and have learned to trust myself first though this has been over a period of years.

[JES]

@KayC  Im also sorry your daughter is going through this. I do understand why she stays..she loves the man he was, or is, when not drinking.  I spent 20 yrs. with my exhusband who while not a daily drinker, was a mean drunk when he did drink.  I was afraid of him when he drank, not so much when he was sober but he still controlled so much of what I did all the time. Fortunately he was a truck driver..not home alot.. but that just brought other ( cheating ) issues.  Eventually I fell out of love,  and left him.  I brought the ( baggage) into my marriage with Kevin unfortunately, until he finally showed me what a good man was like.  I hope she will find a way out if it continues..and glad she can talk to you ( I kept it to myself mostly).  Yes I believe there are good men out there also.  I did end up forgiving my ex in my heart and both Kevin, he and I got along pretty well.  When my ex was in hospital for a week dying, my dear Kevin insisted I be there, every day, for support for my children. Now thats a good man in my eyes.            @GrievingSoul  You are so early in your grief. I found that after I lost Kevin, I loved everyone so much, family, friends, I was so afraid of losing someone else.  It took me time to sort out the " good" and the " not so good intentions".  I did eventually and now I think I tend to be overly wary of everyone..mostly men. Glad you were able to "see" through them early on, as sometimes our muddled minds can't do that.  Hoping you have others who support you, and just know we all do care. Sending love and hugs. Jeanne

[KayC]

12 hours ago, TAM1 said:

It is also her home though I don't know the circumstances or what state she lives in with regard to property or legal and material resources she has available. 

They don't own it, it is an apt. going for $750/mo in a town where the cheapest is around $1250/mo.  She is the one that found the apt. she is the one that kept up the payments for eight months when he left her, and he came back and got his name back on the lease and wants to kick her out?!  I wish she'd see an attorney, I'd pay for it.  I loved my SIL for 18 years but after how he's treated her I can't say anything good.

[KayC]

GrievingSoul, 

How are you doing???