I lost my mum 8 days ago, I regret everything and I blame myself

[Myfaults]

I lost my mum 8 days ago to Liver Cirrhosis, she was an alcoholic but stopped drinking about 3 weeks before she died. She was put on a liver specialist ward and they didn't treat her very well, after a liver biopsy she was full of fluid, it got into her lungs it then stopped her heart, they recussed her but she had been gone long enough to give her brain damage, they never told me this with certainty but I could tell because her eyes weren't facing the same direction, she kept waking up every 5 minutes and screaming as if she was on a loop. It was horrible and I couldn't calm her down. She just seemed to be stuck on a loop.
 

She was quite unwell and I should have seen her death coming weeksm before, she was weak, falling over, slurring and hallucinating and she wasn't drunk. She begged me to take her home the night before she had a cardiac arrest and I wish I had, she could have died surrounded by her budgies which she loved dearly, instead she was holed up in a place where tehy couldn't care less about her. The afternoon before she had a cardiac arrest she had chest pains I went to tell a nurse and she just rolled her eyes... They did check her pulse and they said that it was normal and that's it. The liver ward were frustrated by her because she was severly hallucinating and getting out of bed and they had to keep stopping her. 
My mum used to wait until I came so she could go to the toilet because she knew that they had had enough with taking her. This just breaks my heart.

After they recussed her they moved her to Coronary care and these doctors/nurses were brilliant with her, I don't fault them at all, they managed to get some of the fluid away but they tried in vain.
I feel horrible that I couldn't bring myself to say I loved her when she lay there dying, for some reason we never told eachother that we loved one another but we did. I just wish I could have said something meaningful to her before she went all I could manage was "I'll see you again ma." and stroked her hair and kissed her forehead when my othjer relatives had left.

I also feel guilty because I stopped her drinking, she was bed ridden and I refused to aid her addiction to avoid exactly what has happened. In part I blame myself because I read that alcholics should never just stop drinking suddenly. It wasn't that sudden because she could go a few days without but still it's my fault.

In the end this whole thing is at least partly my fault, if not mostly. I would swap places in an instant, I wish I could have done more, I hope she knows I am sorry.



 

[Gwensdaughter75]

Myfaults, I have been where you are.  Not exactly, but both of my parents died and there was some aspect of their medical treatment, that I thought was shoddier than hell.  And my dearest wish was that I had a time machine that could take me back and help either of them, make a different decision, with regards to their medical treatment.  And that nurse that rolled her eyes when your mother needed help should be fired.

My mother kept trying to get out of bed when she was dying as well.  I was told by a hospice nurse then when a person is nearing the end, that kind of restlessness is common.  

You're not a doctor.  I would have done the same thing you did if I had been in your shoes, with regards to keeping your mother from drinking, to avoid something bad coming from it.  My mother died five days ago and a very wise poster told me that I was still raw from what happened, as are you.  I am praying for you and myself, that there will come a point where the horrible memories of what  our mothers last moments were like, hospitalized, will be easier to bear in time.  You have my deepest sympathies.

[reader]

Dear Myfaults,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your loss. This is a very intense time and it is only natural to think of all the things that could be different. I know it doesn't make it easier to know this, but you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.

So many of us wish we could go back and save our parents and make different decisions. It is part of the grief we feel.

I'm so sorry for that horrible nurse. My father had one of the worst nurses I ever met. And I'm with Gwensdaughter that she should be fired.

I'm sorry for all your pain and sorrow. Please know we are with you.

Thinking of you.

[nuvar]

Myfaults, sorry for your loss and know that we are here with you. You did your best with good intentions (stopping her from drinking) and you were not medically trained enough to know.

Years ago, my mum was feeling sad that she didnt stay overnight with her mum (my grandma) and we all didnt have any knowledge of how to stop diarrhoea/use of fluids with salts to help curb the symptoms at least.

And then my grandma went to the hospital and passed on. We all regretted that we didnt know using salt solution could have helped, but not everyone knows about these things. Besides, there were probably other underlying conditions that caused the diarrhoea. Sorry Im derailing the thread but not sure why this story came to mind as well.

Not everyone knew relatively "simple" fixes to "small medical issues", much less complex medical issues.

You really tried to help and that is all. Im not sure what I mentioned helped or made it worse, sorry if it's the latter. My mum passed on after really bad advice from doctors, so even doctors are not infallible and all-knowing. I wanted to take her back, we couldnt because too many things were involved. My relatives and people blame me for my mum's demise and death and told me I shouldnt pursue with the doctors. 

I guess, people can say all and whatever they want. You of everyone, shouldnt blame yourself for what happened because you did all those out of love for your mum

Please take care