Am I Missing Something Here?

[TAM1]

Things have become very silent and isolated in my general world, especially after I go home after working late.  A little over 26 months into losing Len and 8 months into losing Missy, I’m alone, no “real” friends (Facebook doesn’t count), and I’m sensing that I’m disturbingly alone.  And immediately, I can’t fix that and old ways don’t work.  So, perhaps to be able to step back with a sort of detachment so it’s not so painful is the answer now.  Like looking at things from above (mentally) to better sort things out. Especially with regard to the situation at work – because that has shoveled my world under and is coming to a head. This is a deadly time in this journey.  Use of Stoicism? Detachment?  Especially from things and situations that aren’t working for me?  I feel as if everyone wants something and they have nothing to give – except their “problems.”  The last Facebook message yesterday was a family member needing money – not a phone call, email or text.  I asked God yesterday, “Am I missing something here?” 

[reader]

Dear Tam,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. And please believe me when I say you are not missing anything. What you expressed is very common and I too feel the same way. Grief has a way of making you feel alone in the world.

I know I have the personality where I tend to give and give and then feel like where are people when I need some support?  It's true. There are so many people that only want to give their problems. But believe me, there are also many kind people who truly want to listen and offer their support too. It just hard to find them. I know this forum has been very generous to me.

And even some colleagues. I have been an introvert my whole life so its hard for me to push myself out into the world. Go to meet ups or even ask someone to hang out with me. With my grief, all I had time for was work and sadness.

Please know we are with you and surrounded by people who care and understand.

 

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, TAM1 said:

Especially from things and situations that aren’t working for me?  I feel as if everyone wants something and they have nothing to give – except their “problems.”

Always keeping in mind that I am not a therapist, just a fellow grieving spouse. 

Yes, I think stepping back or out of situations that aren't working for you is critical.  I'm learning that lesson slowly.  In a way I am fortunate because my husband and I had non life-threatening medical conditions for years.  We had already lost many long-term friends and most of our casual friends who couldn't deal with the change in our situation and abilities.  The very small circle we have left are the people who will stick with us no matter what and the people we care most about in the world.  But there have been a few people I know who have either vanished or who I can't rely on now.  I have stepped away from them because they bring nothing but more pain to my life.

The other thing I've recently decided I must do for my own sanity is tell people more of the truth.  I don't mean I've been lying, not exactly, but I've been putting on "the brave face" and acting like I'm okay.  It's expected in our society and I am sick of it.  I'm telling people I don't have the strength or desire to help them with their problems because just getting through the day is hard enough.  I'm not being rude or mean, just more straight-forward.  If my not being the same strong person I've always been upsets them, then that's the way it goes.  If it spurs some to be more supportive of me, terrific.

I agree about Facebook not counting when it comes to real friends and support.  I had to tell a friend that a while back.  I'm not much for social media and have an account for convenience with a handful of actual friends.  Just because I post here and there doesn't mean I'm fine and it doesn't count as real communication.  The sad fact is that you are not alone in being alone.  So many of us here have lost not just our number one supporter, soulmate, and the one who put us first, but people we thought we could count on to be there.  It is devastating to realize that we don't really matter to people we care about or that they only think of themselves and how we can help or support them.  Those are the people I think you should consider banishing, at least temporarily.

It sounds like your work situation is toxic.  Am I understanding that correctly?  If so, then detaching yourself emotionally might help you best figure out how to get out from under it.  Is it possible for you to look for a new job?  Could you take a short leave of absence to sort things out while not being constantly exposed to one of the things causing your crisis?  Do you have any possibility of seeing a therapist short-term to help you gain perspective?

As your "old" way of making friends and reaching out is not working, a therapist might also help you with coping skills and new ways of communicating.  Are there any activities that you've considered that might be positive and help you meet new people?  Perhaps stepping back, as you say detaching, to figure out what things could give you a measure of comfort or even joy would be a positive step.

IMO, you aren't "missing" something, but are perhaps so overwhelmed with stress and emotional pain that you feel "stuck."  It's kind of like when I look at household chores and am so overwhelmed by the sheer number of things to be done that I stand there frozen.  I have to take one room or one task at a time and just focus on that one thing.  Then I can move to something else and don't feel quite so smothered.  Perhaps if you can step back, detach yourself emotionally if possible, from one thing at a time, focusing on making changes that are positive for you then you can feel better overall.  Maybe dealing with your work situation, while not focusing on the difficulty of reaching out in a new way socially (and boy, do I understand that one!) can help give you the strength to later move forward in other ways.  But always keeping in mind that we will carry our grief and our pain with us as unwanted companions on this journey forever.  The thing we all need to do is try to learn to live with it, rather than pushing it down or expecting ourselves to just "get over it" as our unrealistic, head-in-the-sand society expects.  We know better than that.

My heart goes out to you in this so very difficult time.  I am sending you all the positive, comforting thoughts I can.  Remember that you are never alone when you are here and that every one of us understands how difficult it is.

[KayC]

On 4/7/2019 at 8:55 AM, TAM1 said:

“Am I missing something here?” 

It's not you.  People don't seem to get what we're going through and feeling.  To feel like everyone wants something from YOU when YOU have nothing to give right now, you need to be on the receiving end!  Sometimes it does help to step back and look at things afresh but in grief it can be hard to do.

I echo everything foreverhis wrote you, what I would write had she not beat me to it.  I'm glad we have this place to come to and that someone somewhere is listening and responding...

[foreverhis]

@KayC  Thank you for that compliment.  Seriously.  When I was first here, especially, but also as I've gone along these last few months, your experiences, advice, and kind words have been so beneficial and comforting.  It helps to know that our feelings and behaviors are not just valid, but common.  It sounds odd in a way to say that I've been helped by others going through the depths of pain and grief that I'm experiencing.  As much as I wish we didn't have these common connections, finding them has been helpful in many ways.

@TAM1  Please come back and let us know how you are this week.  Know that you are never alone when you are here and that members care about you.

[TAM1]

I made an appointment for a second opinion with another orthopedist and I really do need a left hip replacement - actually, this was a third opinion but I got all the answers needed and feel good about this physician. It's a matter of getting the costs after insurance and all that business (that was so simple years ago) and then planning time off for this sometime this year. One thing that was stunning last year was when visiting my grandchildren and lifting and carrying them for a few days, my left hip went out.  The first orthopedist told me, "Your hip is bone-on-bone. Get a cane, a walker and schedule surgery."  I got the pain under control by increasing Ibuprofen and taking larger doses of Turmeric so that a cane was not necessary (though I used on last August).  Another realization during this time is that I honestly am getting older and that means taking better care of myself. 

Also coming up on my lease renewal June 13th and have decided it's time to find a new place as this one served it's purpose.  And the rent would increase to $2500 per month; so there are many reasons to make a change this time.  So I'll take the time off needed and the time is there.  And the new attorneys asked, "Do you have any time off planned this year?  Any vacations?"

Ha!

 

[KayC]

TAM1, Oh my gosh, as if you don't have enough on your plate!  Recuperating from surgery may not be your idea of "vacation", but I hope you like to read or something to pass the time, I bought a kindle before my surgery four years ago, it helped since I'm alone.

I'm glad you found a physician that answered your questions and you feel comfortable with.  I wish you well with it!

I'm always shocked when I hear what rent costs, it's insane!  I hope you find the right place for the right price when you make your move.

Thank you for sharing this update, we often wonder how people are and it helps when they let us know!

[JES]

@TAM1  So my, Im so sorry. I do know alot of people who have had hip replacement and feel wonderful now.  Its just having to have a surgery and recoup from it. Hope you will have someone to help you afterward.  I too, can't believe the rent cost. I guess we live in a lower cost of living area, so rent average $600/$700 for something decent.  I would hope a better wage there to compensate somehow.  Hugs and thinking of you.  Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

@Tam1 What a difficult thing to go through,I know a few people who have had the replacement and the new surgery and materials are amazing.Wishing you a gentle recovery
Love
Billie

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[TAM1]

I'll pace myself on the hip replacement as they doctor will have someone on his staff check out the costs for the services, hospital, surgeon, anesthesiologist, physical therapy or anyone else who will be remotely involved. I need to consider the deductible of around $2000 and the maximum out-of-pocket of around $7500 so it's not like 40-50 or so years ago when medical care was about medical care.  Yes, this will be a very good result once it is done.  For the last 8 months it's been a matter of mitigating the pain with Ibuprofen, Turmeric, using KT tape for support and self-TLC.  Can't help laughing now that I went to my primary for a shingles vaccine today because I've had shingles more than once and was told they required prior authorization from Anthem Blue Cross. So I just answered one of those customer service surveys from Anthem - like I'm a huge fan.

I do these appointments on my lunch break or like yesterday, left early, which is ok because I'm blessed to have sick leave/personal time on the books.

I've shared a lot of my life with this group over the last few years and this is a very special group, and it is real, we are real people and reach out to each other without the entire world looking in to make comments.  You all have made the journey less painful and I'm so thankful to have reached out and found this.  I do have friends.

[JES]

@TAM1  I so understand what medical insurance is like...approval for this and that, the waiting and being so scared of all the cost....its sad healthcare has come to this point.  I also feel the way you do about coming here,  it is a daily part of my life now..and yes, we have found new real friends,  who are very special people. Love & Hugs. Jeanne

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, JES said:

  I too, can't believe the rent cost. I guess we live in a lower cost of living area, so rent average $600/$700 for something decent.

Yes, it's repulsive.  The California coastal area, as well as a good deal of the Pacific coast, and of course the urban areas like San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Seattle are insanely expensive.  Absurdly so.  There was an analysis that showed that it requires something like 40% to 65% of the average salary for basic rentals in many areas.  And Ventura is considered "commutable" for the Los Angeles basin, so $$$$ now.

We had an appraisal of our modest older home on a teeny coastal lot a few years ago and I swear we both could not believe our eyes.  My husband asked, "Would you pay that for this house?"  Heck no!  And we're not even in the Santa Barbara-Ventura area, but further up the coast in an agricultural area where it's not quite as pricey.  I think if our home was in Ventura it would probably be 60% higher, maybe even more than that.

[JES]

@foreverhis  Thats just crazy, no wonder so many people are homeless.  I don't know what kind of wages people make there but I surely hope its much better than minimum wage.   I am very fortunate I guess, to live where costs are lower.  Even here,  it takes 2 incomes to live a fairly average life,  unless you have a " really" good paying job.  I just really don't understand it all,  I know the weather is nicer in those areas, yet people will fly to snow areas for vacation....   I guess those areas are just the "it" places to be? 

[TAM1]

This has been a very rude awakening to see rent that goes up 5% or more per year and my thoughts are that most people do not have a wage increase of 5% per year.  Another thing is the population is increasing in California and not because of an increase in births.  Another thing I  have thought is that there are the corporations and individuals who profit from this as profits or rental income.  There is no way around this at this point and I'm extremely fortunate to make a good salary though I'd say at least 60% of my income goes towards rent which is obscene. In my complex alone, there are people living 5-6 in 1-2 bedroom apartments.  Anyway, it's nuts. 

 

[Billie Rae]

This has been a very rude awakening to see rent that goes up 5% or more per year and my thoughts are that most people do not have a wage increase of 5% per year.  Another thing is the population is increasing in California and not because of an increase in births.  Another thing I  have thought is that there are the corporations and individuals who profit from this as profits or rental income.  There is no way around this at this point and I'm extremely fortunate to make a good salary though I'd say at least 60% of my income goes towards rent which is obscene. In my complex alone, there are people living 5-6 in 1-2 bedroom apartments.  Anyway, it's nuts. 
 

Seattle is the same so we have all sadly huge homeless problem.here now in addition to the usual they want you to have three months rent in the bank.luckily they are building some big apartment units so soon there will be more apartments and rent should stabilize.

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[TAM1]

There are some huge housing complexes that have been built here and continue to be built everywhere, covering what were huge swaths of farm land, with the average 2-bedroom around $2500.  Developers don't build "affordable housing" - just the way it is.

But, I really believe things will work out just right and well and I'm focused forward.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, TAM1 said:

But, I really believe things will work out just right and well and I'm focused forward.

You certainly deserve to have things work out.  I know we'll all be hoping and praying and sending you comforting thoughts.

[KayC]

My daughter is in Eugene, OR and the cheapest rent you can find is about $1200, which is about what she makes!  I don't know how people are supposed to make it but they have a huge homeless problem that they've been trying to figure out how to deal with for years now.  They just now enacted a tax on construction to help with affordable housing, but that seems like a juxtaposition in a way and it is a long ways from realizing in benefit from it.  Everything has a boomerang effect!

It seems the tiny houses would help some of the problem but nobody wants them in their neighborhood.  Why not?  They're arguing about putting in MIL cottages on single dwelling places and people complain about letting that happen, well somebody needs to allow them or the homeless situation is just going to get worse!

[TAM1]

I've mentioned the changes at work after being assigned to the IP group and realized after about 2 1/2 months management needed to know about issues that posed a liability to the business - so on April 12th I was asked to provide my reports (in color) to management.  This all resulted in meetings of which I am not a part of (thankfully!)  Realistically, I work for the company, not the group.  By the end of the week IP had pulled back from me and there is no communication or interaction with me, but I have my other work and focus on that. It's been an odd and uncomfortable experience that began January 31st, 2019, two years to the day Len passed. This has not been "the dream."  But it's time to push this aside and let things fall where they may - I'm not the boss.

The focus now is to begin looking at finding a new home and with purpose and I do believe in prayer and it's time to draw on extra strength or pretend it's there.  And I need to stop missing my old home of 20 years with Len and so much living but right now I can't seem to because there are times when I just break down and cry, "I want to go home!"  And, "Why did you have to die!?"  Because I'm honestly afraid of getting out there again, and looking. This is where I am today.

 

[KayC]

TAM1, I wish so much that your job could be a haven...the one I had when George died was mine, the people were wonderful, but it was a small company (27 employees) and they were so good to me...but the recession began and we lost the company...that was the end of that.   

Forgive me if you've already said, my brain doesn't retain well anymore, but you aren't living where you and Len always lived?  Did you move after his death or before?  I'm still in the same place I've been 42 years.  Sometimes I feel trapped with 42 years of "stuff", it wasn't supposed to be this way, George and I were supposed to go through all this together.

[TAM1]

KayC, Before January 31st of this year my job was wonderful and I loved what I was doing and everyone has been so good to me.  I just can't wrap myself around this new assignment for many reasons and though management continues to have confidence I'm the person for this job. All of my training and experience has nothing to do with Patent or Trademark law - so as a veteran "secretary" of decades (14 of them with this firm), I began to deconstruct how this group functions.  It's sort of like taking apart a car, replacing parts and all that, then rebuilding.  Management has their job to do and I will focus on what I know to do daily.

I had to move out of the house 5 1/2 months after Len passed.  I was his executor so during that time period I went through all of his things, cleared out the garage, donated and sold, and put things out for his two children to go through that Len wanted them to have.  Within a month they had hired a very aggressive attorney which really was not necessary, as mine was handling the matter.  The house sold that September, I disbursed funds to everyone, and the estate formally closed on December 22nd. The next day Missy and I went on a road-trip - best time ever!

I was lying down this morning thinking about the activity after Len's death, because I immediately stepped into a whole different role other than looking after him. Just thinking, that was quite a lot - like a crash-course and I have accomplished a  lot and grown a lot. Perhaps it's time to apply that to the current situations and that is what I'm mulling over now. Words that came to me the other night were, BE STRONG NOW. YOU WILL BE OK.

[Michelene]

On 4/7/2019 at 7:55 AM, TAM1 said:

On 4/7/2019 at 7:55 AM, TAM1 said:

So, perhaps to be able to step back with a sort of detachment so it’s not so painful is the answer now.  Like looking at things from above (mentally) to better sort things out.

 

wow, this is exactly how I feel

[KayC]

TAM1, you have been strong to do all that, I don't know many who could do what you've done, but a part of you must feel tired of constant changes and demands on you, at least that's how I'd feel I think.

[TAM1]

KayC - thank you and yes, I am tired of constant changes.  Had not  planned on staying late at work tonight, had planned on going to my first Tai Chi class but was asked to work late to help train the person who is now doing the work I was doing. All of this is moving me towards changing and making changes and I had to ask myself, "What is this really all about? 

[KayC]

it's hard moving forward in a world where everything seem not relative in comparison to what we're dealing with.  Lately I've been having to deal with medical stuff and I think why am I doing all this anyway?  I guess there's a bit of survivor in all of us even when we feel depressed or melancholy.

[TAM1]

I have not checked nor posted anything since April something-or-other what with working at the process of looking for a new place and getting a better handle emotionally on things at the office. With regard to things at work, I'm not faulting myself for going to management with issues, and believe things will work out in time.  With regard to the rental search, that is just another thing to step up to; as this is not like it was 20 years ago or even 10 years ago and things are done differently.  We no longer look in the "newspaper" and this is the second educational experience doing this.  It's hard to miss out because someone else got there first; and fill out applications on-line and get enough information before paying the $42 application fee so they can do a credit check and background search - which I did for the first time today and was declined due to a Chapter 13 bankruptcy (repayment plan) that will be completed and closed in December 2019. And the property management saw the proof of how much I had rebuilt my life and reestablished myself and asked for documentation to show the "corporate" office so they do their best to get me approved.

I'm to the point where I'm tired of looking at things and telling myself, "This is a learning or personal growth experience."  I am a good, strong person, but enough of this!  I have friends who have lost their husbands/partners in the last 5-6 years who did not have to sell or leave their homes, have huge pensions and blessings galore and have the gall to call me to whine about how "hard" their lives are and pay $70 to a medium/psychic and are angry because they "did not get to talk to my husband and dead friends" - and yes, I do understand but come on!; or handle an estate and the misbehaving adult children who lawyered up and hit a stone wall - me! And still have the gall to show up and ask for things?  Seriously!?

I did my absolute best this week and am blessed to be sitting in my place, my apartment and home, looking out at the trees that have regrown their leaves as dusk settles in. And maybe I'll unpack my things and renew my lease for another year in spite of the rent increase to put more things behind me and heal.  But, $2660 per month is a lot of money for this place.

I believe we get to the point where we honestly believe in ourselves as we continue. I'm there.

 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, TAM1 said:

I believe we get to the point where we honestly believe in ourselves as we continue. I'm there.

I have found this to be the case as well, I'm glad you're there.

One thing I'd point out to apt. mgt. is with a bankruptcy in your history, that precludes your filing again so they're actually in a better place putting their trust in you because of it...also they should understand you're doing what is best by trying to find something affordable for yourself that you can better handle.

How rent can cost this much I don't know but CA is more expensive than here and all I know is even here people can't afford the rents.  I wish you well in your continued search and pray some resolution come your way soon.

[TAM1]

I need to do the work to get above the disappointment and gather myself and the documents/information property management companies need - because they see a BK and do not see the difference between a Chapter 13 and 7.  With an open Chapter 13, I'm faithfully almost to completion of a payment plan and cannot add new debt without a court order. Once the BK is discharged in December/January, it will be easier. The only thing I have done is to get a credit card through my bank to reestablish myself. This swayed me emotionally yesterday- still feel it.

Rents are high because they can be raised - there are no laws, rules, nor ceilings.

[KayC]

Oregon just passed some laws about it because people have a hard time renting and ours are half what yours are.  Jobs don't pay as much here though but at least they're working towards making it better.

[TAM1]

Very positive to hear.  Staying home today to rest and bought some carnations for myself - too rare.