loss of parents and sister putting strain on relationship

[nic0705]

Hi all,

I am on here because I am desperate!  I am hoping to find someone that may be ale to provide insight.  I am in such a funk right now that I can't seem to get out of it.  I lost my mom unexpectantly in 2013.  I was lost then.  I could not say goodbye to her.  A day after her funeral, I cut my finger so bad with hedge trimmers that I needed to have surgery.  In a way it was a blessing as I took several weeks off from work to heal from the surgery, but also to begin healing from my mom's death.  How can you go back to work after just 5 days???I went on to have 5 total surgeries on my hand.  It is not back to normal, but as good as it will get.  It is a reminder of the loss of my mom though.  Hard when it it attached to you every day.  She passed in July of 2013.  

In October of 2013 my first marriage broke down and I decided that I needed to leave my husband who had been cheating.  Days after I left him, I met my current fiancé.  He was also in the process of leaving his wife.  Since we have been together, we have made it through both of our divorces.  We are amazing together and I love him so much.  

2 years ago I also lost my grandfather.  I am kind of numb to loss since my mom died.  I was definitely sad when my grandfather passed but it did not consume me and didn't really seem to bring up mom's loss.  

Last May I lost my dad.  He was sick with an infection and didn't make it through surgery.  This time I was able to tell him how much I loved him and to essentially say good bye.  With this loss, it brought up my mom's loss and really affected me.  Also, I began to realize it was just me and my brother (we have a sister we were both not talking to since mom passed away - she had her own issues and we could not enable her anymore!).  My therapist said that this loss bring up the other was "normal" since we grief as much as we have to to move on and then something brings it up again.  

Since then I have been in a funk and have been extremely clingy to my finance - To the point that it is affecting our relationship.  I am not comfortable being by myself.   He has to travel for work and I have a reaction (not good) when I learn he has to travel and when he is gone, I miss him so much.  This weekend he went to a friend's dedication and I was beside myself because he was gone for 2 nights.  I can remain busy during the day, but it hits at night.  I don't know why I am consumed by him not being there.  He doesn't know what to do when I am a mess.  I am normally a very strong independent woman and it makes him uncomfortable.  I can't articulate why I feel this way.  He just says it will be ok, I will be home tomorrow.  And I know he will be home tomorrow but I was hysterical last night.  I miss him so much.  

As an aside, my estranged sister also passed away a couple months ago.  I was not affected by her death, well not sad.  I then feel bad because I am not sad.  

I would say I am numb to all of it now.  I want to be happy and I am happy with my finance.  We are making plans for the future (just bought a vacation condo and planning the wedding for later this year).  It makes me sad that my parents will not be there to celebrate.  Has anyone gone through something similar?  What did you do to cope?  Any advice?

 

[reader]

Dear Nic,

I am so sorry to hear about all the losses you have suffered. I think losing so many close relatives does create a fear. Our sense of security is gone and we think who's next? I know its really hard.

I would suggest trying to talk to a grief counsellor or joining a support group in the community or through church.

I find these websites also helpful in offering additional supports.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

GriefShare

Grief Recovery Method

Please know your feelings are normal. For myself, I try to keep talking it out with trusted friends. And reading different articles trying to understand my feelings. There is no right way or wrong way and different things work for different people. I hope you find something that will give you comfort.

Thinking of you.